My husband wont go to counseling with me?

Question

My husband of 2 years wont go to counseling with me. He thinks she is going to tell him he needs help. Which he does i have not been happy for awhile we fight really bad there are holes in the walls and alot of broken things he says its better the wall then my face. I let stuff get this way for awhile and after him spitting in my face and always putting me down and watching the way are 2yr old daughter was reacting. i decided to do something so i confronted him he said he will change but will not go to a counseler. He says he has been really good for a week now but can i trust him to really change he wont admit that he has a problem. It has been really good for the week. What should i do? i am soooo confused.

Answer 1

If he doens't want to go to counseling, then he isn't committed to trying to change. His violent behavior WILL GET WORSE and someone will get hurt.

For the sake of yourself adn your child (because one day the hole WON'T be in the wall, it will be your face or your child) PLEASE LEAVE THIS MAN.

One week doens't mean ANYTHING in the grand scheme of things. he KNOWS he is wrong, and that is why he avoiding counseling. Tell him to go to counseling or you will leave. if you think the threat of leaving will set off his temper, then don't give him the ultimatum. Just leave. Take your child and stay with friends or family or find a women's shelter you can stay in. Don't go HOME until you FINISH therapy together and he learns to control his violent tendencies.

NO ONE SHOULD LIVE IN VIOLENCE. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Answer 2

It sounds like your husband does need help. Too bad, it won't work unless he admits it and is a willing participant in his rehabilitation.

Usually I don't say this, but you should leave this relationship. It's unhealthy for you and your daughter. Even though she is only two, she might remember this when she's older....especially if she continues to see it as she grows.

You did the right thing in confronting him and requesting counseling, but one person can only do so much. He has to be willing to work with you, not against you. Holes in walls and broken objects, isn't an appropriate release of anger/frustration. Both emotions are perfectly normal, but the manner in which you respond to them is what counts. He sounds a little out of control and definitely unable to restrain his physical impulses.
Spitting in your face.....that's just disrespectful and uncalled for. You didn't get into this relationship to be abused, phyically, psychologically, or emotionally. He shouldn't be putting you down. He should be raising you up.

I am SO sorry for your situation and unless you really feel that he's making an honest, earnest effort to change....I say leave him. Minor physical outbursts can only, inevitably lead to major physical outbursts.

If you decide to leave...be careful. Find a lawyer and get all your ducks in a row, so that nothing gets out of hand.

If you decide to stay....be careful. Be aware of his behavior, your behavior, and your daughter's response to all of the above. Don't be miserable, just to stay married. Divorce is not the end of the world and you may find that it takes you on a path to greater, happier times.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I am a child of a couple who was similar issues. My mom and dad are from Pakistan and they moved to America when they were a year wed. I am their 3rd child. (I'm 13) Two years ago, my dad's mom passed away and he had been mad at her for 16 years and he never got to apologize... when she passed away things started getting a little hectic. I saw my dad cry for the first time (now it's been a total of 7 or 8 times) and I won't get into the nitty gritty details, but a lot of major fights have happened in my family and my dad has left a couple of times, only to return once again and reek havoc. It's been two years since the whole thing started, even though it had been going on for a long time I was just blissfully unaware. I haven't talked to my dad for 6 months now. My advice for you would be wait a little and see if he is changed and if he isn't demand that you go to counseling.. and if he doesn't I would take more drastic action.. because I feel no kid should have to wake up in the middle of the night to hear the sobs of their mother. I hope you have the best of luck.

Answer 4

I think you should go to counseling on your own so you can understand why you stay with a man who fights with you, breaks things, puts holes in the walls, denies he has a problem, (it's all your fault, right?) spits in your face, and puts you down in front of a child... and then says he can magically change (he won't).

You need to see the counselor on your own if he won't go, and tell them exactly what's going on. Find out why you think you don't deserve any better than this abusive jerk.

Answer 5

Hi Juels!

I'm an experienced family law attorney with an extensive background in therapy.

I have seen many situations similar to yours. It doesn't sound very promising for you.

Let me ask you this. If you knew how your life would have developed, would you have still chosen to marry him?

He has fundamental issues, and apparently violent tendencies. Things probably won't get better for you with his attitude.

I think you need to develop your own independence and self-sufficiency because this relationship might not last long.

If you send me an e-mail, I'll be glad to chat more with you, and help you get on the right track. I'm worried about you.

Answer 6

First of all I am sorry you are going threw this diffult time it hurts and it causes alot of stress in the home expecially with you baby girl, well I suggest you threated to leave or stay somewhere for a while until he decides he wants to change or see someone. If he really loves you and wants the best then he will give in and talk with someone.
I wish you the best of luck and I will pray for you.

Answer 7

WOW my Ex T was the same way and you know what...sooner or later it will be your face. I am not tllng u 2 lve ur mrrg but maybe he should exprnce life w/o u and ur dghtr for a while. My dad was VERY violent and all his kids got his temper and we are now dealing with it in our own marriages. Don't let your dghtr thnk that this is how a mrrg shld be b/c blve me she will follow in ur footsteps. Dnt gv him a choice on cnslng. Good Luck!

Answer 8

FORGET counseling...DIVORCE THAT SUCKER. He spit in your face and your still there. He puts holes in the walls...its just a matter of time before it is your face. You need to get out NOW. You arent the one needing counseling. I would beat the living hell out of anyone who spat in my face. That is like one of the lowest forms of punishment you can do to someone besides kick them. You have a child to consider...GET OUT NOW!

Answer 9

You do need to take care of yourself and your child. You know this is not a good situation, and that is the first step. You do need to ask for help, and get it for yourself even if he won't go.

Answer 10

you need too get yourself and your child help and get away from him before that wall is your face or worse. do not trust that anger!!! demand him to get help or you and your child are gone that is attempted abuse its just as bad!!! i am telling you from 8 years of being a battered woman i got out!!!