Can I save this failing relationship?

Question

I've been married for 3 years. We get along ok, but he has a really short temper and loses it over really insignifigant things like having to do more around the house after I had some minor surgery that resulted in a lot of pain. He's gotten physical before, but he says it's because I make him go over the deep end. He's not affectionate anymore, and our sex life is like a routine. I can tell you exactly what will happen every single time. I've asked and begged for a change, and have tried making changes myself. Nothing works, and he keeps breaking promises. We have two kids, but I'm not sure if we should stay together for their sake if it means I'l be miserable when nothing changes.

Answer 1

This is going to sound incredibly insensitive, but, do what is right for you, not your kids. Have you ever seen "Sleeping with the Enemy"? You don't stay in a marriage for your kids sake. You will only make them miserable in the long run. As for him becoming physical with you, there is no excuse for that. It is not your fault. Never accept that explanation. That is an evil that lives within him, not you. Get out while you still have your sanity intact. You deserve to live in a healthy atmosphere.

Answer 2

Tough situation....
First and foremost, communication is key. Unfortunately, it's a two-way street. If you're the only one trying, it won't work.

Physical abuse is a huge 'no-no'!!! It doesn't matter what the situation or justification. Unless you're defending yourself hitting is juvenile. That needs to stop right away. If he's not willing to work on that one aspect, you have your answer. Today, he's hitting you; tomorrow, he may hit the family pet; after that, he may start beating your kids. Not cool.

As far as his temper, have you tried finding the root of his anger? What is SO wrong in his life that he's on edge? Problems with his parents, work, the death of a family/friend? You need to find out what's going on inside his head. Household chores don't seem like a good enough reason to "go over the deep end." Chores are part of living (if you want a clean house, you have to clean it. That's simple.)

In regards to your children and staying with him for them....children understand and feel parental frustrations. If you're miserable, they know it. Sometimes, they even wonder if they're contributing to the fights or tension. It forms insecurities and doubts in their heads. It's always better to just be up-front with them. If mommy and daddy can't live in the same house anymore....that's ok. You're still a family, just a different kind. There is still just as much love, just a different address.

So, here's the actual advice....get away for a couple of hours and think everything through in your head. If you need a close sibling or friend, bring them along. This is a huge decision and should not be taken lightly. Take all sides into consideration and then make the best decision with the information you have.
Do you feel things can change for the better?
Do you maybe just need a little time apart to re-kindle the flame?
How are your children coping?
What does your family say?
What does your heart tell you?

I hope and pray that everything works out for you with the path you choose to take. If you need/want more help from me, feel free to email me. Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 3

No u shouldnt stay in it for the kids sake, just because u arent together doesnt mean that he cant be a part of their lives though i would advise if u say he was physical with u he hasnt been with them right? if that is the case get out for everyone involved. If he dont want to change than i dont think it will work. it does take two to make the marriage work good luck

Answer 4

I can understand that you would like to stay for the children's sake but it is not healthy for them to be in that environment either...you would be doing both them and yourself a favor by getting out now before it esculates. I have been in a similar situation and the anger and physical abuse only gets worse and you lose your personal identity in these type of dysfunctional relationships. Your sex life and personal relationship with this man has no meaning to you so do yourself a favor and move on and find the true meaning of happiness.....if you can find happiness your children will be happy too....if they continue to live in this enviornment they are going to think it is "normal" behavior and they will end up having relationships that are similar and that is unhealthy for them. I realize it will be hard to get out and move on but I feel it must be done in this situation. Good Luck!!1

Answer 5

This is one relationship I would say to not stay in for the kids. Staying may do more harm than good. I'm sorry you found a man like this. They aren't all bad. I know I found one of the good ones. It may be hard, but I would say to leave. He doesn't care about anybody but himself. YOU ARE NOT THE CAUSE OF HIS RAGE! Whatever issue he has, it is never your fault when he gets physically, or mentally abusive. He does it because HE has a problem not you. For your sake and your kids I would leave ASAP.

Answer 6

I think you two would benifit from counseling. I am familiar with the pattern you are describing, and it sounds like the relationship has lost something (intimacy? understanding?). Are you two working a lot, stressed out? Do you still speak to one another.

You know things are bad when you can have a vicous, screaming and crying fight over who gets the last tomato slice (that was our 'trigger"). What's really going on in there? If there is still love, there is always hope.

Answer 7

If you can't get past this, it is probably better that you break up. You are willing to give up 5 years of dating over a class reunion? That is crazy to me. Why did he not feel comfortable telling you? Because he thought you would over react like you are doing now. This whole relationship is crazy if this is how insecure you are. Love needs to enhance your lives but not take away who you are. You do not need to spend every moment of everyday together. So what he saw an ex, he is with you now. There is nothing wrong with having exes as friends. There is nothing wrong with him wanting to go without you. It was his reunion, he wanted to see his old friends.

Answer 8

Get out. You don't make him go over the deep end. He makes himself go over the deep end. He's a man, and unless you are trying to kill him, he has no right to put his hands on you. You are in a dangerous situation. Your children are in a dangerous situation. He wants to control you, and your life together. He doesn't have to invest in you or your relationship if he puts all the work on your plate. He likes things the way they are, and he won't change for you.

Answer 9

if he blames you for getting physical that means he is making excuses for his behavior. 9 times out of 10 his behavior will not change. if you resouces use them, get away from him, take your kids, go to a shelter, he will keep doing this especially if he sees nothing will be done. if you leave him, and stay gone no matter how much he promises, he will either get some help and make those changes. you have to let him know you will not put up with it nor let your children be around that type of behavior. stand firm, draw support from you family friends, church, womens org. wherever you can. please be careful.

Answer 10

You can't save your failing relationship but maybe the two of you can. Please remember it's better to live lonely than to live in misery. Loneliness is fixable, misery is hopeless, and is very hard to fix. The answers are within the two of you, for the sake of all of you, you both need to find these answers and act on the ones that work in your lives.