YESTERDAY'S NEWS
you sat on the sofa with your coffee and your cat.
it was so simple then - we didnt know what had happened
I looked over your shoulder - I read the headlines that
took my breath away.
She was murdered on the 17th of May
and found on muddy patches of earth,
only 24 and all to live for and then they took her away
from this chaotic life.
You started to wail and then some more,
so I came closer to the page
to stare at the print - it was still so bloody raw,
when I saw my name in type.
It was me that died last night.
Then I looked at you but you never saw me
I began to touch you with all my might
no sensations could you feel.
I sat there with you until you slept
I didnt realise I was dead
I couldnt talk to you - I felt inept.
The cat stared at me.....and we both realised that I was dead.
2006-09-25 09:02:12 · 22 answers · asked by shariwharton 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
yes jeff it does rhyme but in the first and third line.
2006-09-25 09:08:25 · update #1
to answer your question it took me ten minutes...i hope it doesnt show too much. I had a stressful day at work and this is the only way to wind down in the evening.
2006-09-25 09:27:37 · update #2
Good! The cat creeps me out!
2006-09-25 09:06:31 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
A nicely thought-out piece of verse. Rhyming on the 1st and 3rd lines only of a 4 line stanza is unusual but not prohibited. If it works for you that's fine. Remember also if you want to write good rhyming verse, there are rules to be followed and these will enable your verse to flow off the tongue better. Mostly try to get the same syllable count per line, and ensure the same number of stressed syllables in each line.(This is known as 'getting the metre right'). Don't worry, it will come in time. Enjoyed reading your poem very much. Could I recommend a book by Stephen Fry called 'The Ode Less Travelled', ISBN 0 09 179661 X, I've found it very useful for my own poetry.
Take care
2006-09-27 09:38:18 · answer #2 · answered by BENVEE 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wholeheartedly applaud your creative urge but, I have to say, this is not the world's greatest poetry. Although there is a rhyme scheme in there, it is absolutely devoid of metre. If you had written this without the stanza construction but with punctuation, would you be able to tell that it wasn't prose? I'd say not. The only thing to give it away the convoluted language is. "No sensations could you feel.'' Having Yoda decide the word order doesn't make it poetry.
2006-09-25 22:57:16 · answer #3 · answered by scotsman 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lol on the human beings who suggested how ought to he try this if he doesnt exist, they dont get the question , i wouldnt waste my time writing a e book, because noone would trust me besides! and it would take me a at the same time as so if god needs a e book of him no longer being genuine then he can make it himself lazy bum, he shouldnt have made the Bible if he doesnt favor him questioning he's real What would you do if yet another Jesus got here down yet suggested that the superb Jesus and the Bible is unquestionably all from the devil and im the genuine son of God? who would you've faith aye? Oooo which will be exciting!
2016-11-23 21:07:45 · answer #4 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I LOVE IT DARLING TELL ME WHAT YOU ADMIRE OF MY POETRY
everything isn't so perfect
I finally got the picture and so now everything seem so clear
I had the perfect life the perfect mate i had the perfect child i never had to wait
but now everything in my world has come crashing down and my memory was erased I came home in in a fog i had a terrible day my husband didn't recognize me nor did I recognize his face I seen a familiar child with a awkward smile on her face i went in in a deep shock somewhere i had seen this child before but where oh where did she come from I think I might be losing my mind going insanely crazy i see pictures of old memories just fading away in the night i think it's time for me to admit to myself my husband thinks that i might be going crazy and I also do to so i have to say john i have to amit myself i need some serious help for fear of losing my mind I think I might admit my self to the hospital i have to say goodbye.
2006-09-25 09:32:04 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well done, like the twist to the end!...how long did it take you?
It's great that poeple can put pen to paper when the mood takes them, some of the best poems are written because of how one feels at the time rather than what one is thinking.
Most poems are done with feeling.
2006-09-25 09:16:30 · answer #6 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Really good! I would distance the narraror from the dead girl a bit, make her relationship with the murdered woman more metaphorical. Good job!
2006-09-25 09:17:08 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
very good, you have a good imagination, maybe you should think about doing some creative writting courses. It would help make more of your obvious natural talent.
you have the makings of a very good writter. i hope you choose to pursue it. Feel free to send me any other pieces you create. i would be only too glad to comment .
2006-09-25 09:11:14 · answer #8 · answered by beanie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Intense.
2006-09-25 09:06:12 · answer #9 · answered by BookLovr5 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's good, it depressed me, but then again it was supposed to be depressing. Good job. and btw: good poetry doesn't have to rhyme, it just has to flow. and yours flows so it doens't really matter about the rhyming.
2006-09-25 10:11:30 · answer #10 · answered by Abby 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋