Ever since Dr. Spock, people have raised selfish children. Since our split, several couples we know are splitting but here is no infidelity, no abuse. They are "unhappy." They say. "Well, the kids are better off with two happy parents living apart." Says who? Talk to adults whose parents divorced. They are still adversely affected about it. It is all about the parents or am I missing something?
2006-09-25 08:41:17 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Without two healthy and happy parents, the kids are going to miss out on a lot of things anyway. No divorce is going to wind up as in the "manual". Every divorced couple will not separate as friends and communicate/cooperate for the sake of the kids.
My ex wife and I made it work and although we're not exactly 'friends', we still see to it that all of that is put to the side for the sake of our sons. We both still make it to parent-teacher meetings, hospital appointments, after-school events, graduations... but now, we both are more cheerful, healthier, more spiritual. So the kids, realized that our divorce wasn't the end of the their world, but improved in a lot of ways. My ex wife and I are still introduced as "my mother and my father" so that's what was most important; that we could both still be there to support them.
2006-09-25 08:48:39 · answer #1 · answered by E. Gads 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, the biggest difference is not whether or not the adults are happy, but rather how they act and interact with the children. Adults can be cruel. They can use and manipulate the children against the other parent. They say things about the other parent that should NEVER be said. They fight and argue in front of the kids and expect the kids to take sides. I think kids CAN be okay with divorce when the parents are committed to the children. When kids know that they are loved, safe, and respected by their parents, it won't really matter that the parents live apart. Good Luck!
2006-09-25 08:56:48 · answer #2 · answered by working mom of 3 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Spock, schmock! But that aside....
My parents were divorced. There marriage had many obstacles that stood in the way. My childhood, though not happy all the time, was not made better by the divorce. However, my father made sure he saw us regularly for visitation and we had very good times together...better than when my parents were married.
My parents divorced when I was 12 yo. My siblings and I were devastated. My father died young and in his wallet was my mother's engagement ring. It had worn an embedded circle in his wallet because he carried for years. He loved her. She wanted the divorce.
I came through it as I grew older and matured, realizing that had they stayed together, we would have been more miserable. My mother was sick; and though my father loved her dearly, he knew that the marriage was over. Because my siblings and I knew that my father loved my mother and N-E-V-E-R once said anything negative about her to us, that helped ease any tension when we were with him.
Not all children turn out adversely affected. Some turn out just the opposite and learn from their parents' mistakes, going on to become successful, happy adults.
Yes, divorce hard on kids. But it doesn't mean the future has no promise for them. If the parents aren't happy but the marriage isn't rife with nasty arguments, illicit affairs and other chaos, the kids can go about life without the extra damage. However, I do believe that happy parents or parents who divorce and remain civil to each other, make happier children.
Just my point view from my experience.
2006-09-25 09:00:23 · answer #3 · answered by niteowl716 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is some truth to being happy parents living apart. Children raised in homes without love don't learn how to love and don't have role models for their own marriages. Children who see divorced parents who respect each other are quite lucky. In most cases it doesn't work out that way and they are played against the parents.
If the couples are truly unhappy there must be fighting going on. Not all divorces are about abuse and cheating.
2006-09-25 08:45:55 · answer #4 · answered by janisko 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's all a throw of the genetic dice. This is a controversy that's ;;aster for a long time "Nature vs. Nurture". Good home...good parents vs bad home bad parents. I've seen good kids come from both...I've seen bad kids come from both. I think it depends on your particular genetic makeup. You are either a winner or a loser depending on the genes you were delt with. Now thier are some "on the fence kids" that a good environment might help. Who knows?
Look at the following website and read the first chapter. It talkes specifically about the effects of divorce on children and it might surprise you!
http://www.condomsbrasandstraightjackets.com/
Good luck with the lust of the ex....I know it really hurts.....by the way don't go back......they became an ex for a reason. Start new and learn from your mistakes. It's hard but it will be better.
2006-09-25 08:49:55 · answer #5 · answered by hoyhoydc 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know it is time to move on when your little child comes into the room and looks at you with a sad, but loving face and for no reason tells you that everything is ok and not to ever be sad. Children should never have to see their parents like that. They can sense more than you know. It will tear a child apart to know that mommy and daddy don't like each other. Why prolong it? What does that teach them? Misery loves company? Happy parents do make happy kids. FACT!
2006-09-25 09:24:30 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Okay, I am not an expert, I can only share my experience. Both my parents are divorced. My Aunt however, was happily married for 55 years before her husband died. Her children are no happy. They all went to college, got degrees and they all can't stand their parents. They hovered over them and was too involved in their lives. Me on the other hand, I have brothers and sisters, none of us went to college, our father wasn't present in our life and our mom worked all the time, we are very happy and love our parents. Yes, we even still love our dad. Parents who allow their children to make their own mistakes and don't overcrowd their space, those are the happiest kids you will ever meet. Good luck.
2006-09-25 09:03:56 · answer #7 · answered by cookie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Totally agree. The parents have not only a commitment to each other but to the children. Unless there's infidelity or severe physical abuse, they should find a way to work it out. Fall back in love with each other. Something. Kids are irrevocably damaged by divorce.
2006-09-25 08:44:25 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
You can't generalize like that. What about an abusive relationship. What about a dysfunctional relationship that your children are doomed to repeat if they continue to be exposed to it? If your husband is a serial cheater should you stay with him "for the kids"? I could have stayed with my ex but I knew my kids deserved better. Kids know when you aren't happy and they think it's their fault. Yes, divorce is hard on kids but it's a fact of life. What is even harder on kids is parents who are divorced but don't put the kids before their own self-centered desire to punish their exes.
2006-09-25 08:59:41 · answer #9 · answered by porkchop 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Divorce is always hard on the kids, always... Not being happy is a sorry excuse for divorce, but you see it all the time. What they are really saying is that they are bored and want to try something different and that the kids do not really matter. Very selfish and very immature...
2006-09-25 08:53:11 · answer #10 · answered by Suthern R 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋