I'm married, mother to a newborn. In past relationships I've always had issues with trust, jealousy, and control. Now it's causing a major strain on my marriage, I'd like to change but I don't know how or where to start. My main issue is being controlling and bossy, how can I change myself to save my family?
2006-09-25 08:24:30 · 7 answers · asked by control 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm married, mother to a newborn. In past relationships I've always had issues with trust, jealousy, and control. Now it's causing a major strain on my marriage, I'd like to change but I don't know how or where to start. My main issue is being controlling and bossy, how can I change myself to save my family?
I have a therapist. We did marriage counseling for awhile but now we're separated and I go alone.
2006-09-25 08:31:16 · update #1
Think before you speak. Ask: "Do I really need to control this issue? Is there a way to compromise? Have I listened to all the options? At the end of the day, will it really matter?" Also, give your husband a reminder word-something really off the wall like "noodles". Tell him to use it whenever you're getting too controlling. It will help him help you achieve your goal without sounding like he's attacking you.
2006-09-25 08:30:35 · answer #1 · answered by brainy_blonde 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Underlying the problem is your immaturity and lack of self-esteem, possibly with some narcissistic personality disorder to some degree or another.
Take a long hard look at your life, and seek good examples. It is likely that you saw your family similarly structured. Imagine a scenario that you know you would want to be controlling of, and how you would respond that would be the most healthy mentally and emotionally for you, your child, your spouse and the family as a unit. Imagery can do a lot. It will be taxing on you for several months to conduct yourself in this way, but it will become easier as time goes on.
If you learn to modulate your response, then when you DO feel like something is important enough to be willful about, your opinions will be valued and considered in a more favorable light.
It is really essential that you do this now. You could really mess up a kid with this kind of behavior. Continue counselling on your own. If he comes back or not, is irrelevant to this child's well-being. If your husband sees you acting in a mature way, it would help increase the possibility that you will become a family again some day.
2006-09-25 08:51:43 · answer #2 · answered by finaldx 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask yourself whether you want to be right or happy. If you decide you want to be happy, but can't stop the behavior that causes the problem, consider investing in marriage counseling for you and your husband.
2006-09-25 08:32:19 · answer #3 · answered by Buffy Summers 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have this on my bulletin board. "I want to control my controlling so I won't control, and I want to feel good about it."
Control is always destructive. I was married to a controller who couldn't stand it that I no longer subminted to her control. It was sort of a mental BDSM deal. We are now, of course, divorced.
I suggest that if you can't let go of control that you immediately seek some counseling.
2006-09-25 08:29:16 · answer #4 · answered by Brent 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to balance the things you try to control with the question
Is this going to make a diference to the end of the day?
Is my bf/hb going to be pissed if I do/say this?
Try to relax and think, do not act on impulse.
Now is just your bf/hb, tomorrow it is going to be your kids...
2006-09-25 08:35:26 · answer #5 · answered by Carlos 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get a therapist if you can not get a grip on your own.
2006-09-25 08:27:24 · answer #6 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Think before you open your big mouth. It works for me.
2006-09-25 08:27:32 · answer #7 · answered by Kabu 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋