Should I take a 4 yr. old to a funeral??

Question

My husband's grandmother passed away & I do not want to take our daughter to the funeral. I think that she is way to young & will not understand death. But I also do not want to affend his family by not taking her.

Answer 1

If she is well enough behaved to sit quietly then yes.

If not then take someone with you to sit her while you are at the actual funeral and then have her with you at any after funeral wake

Answer 2

I think you are right. Most people will agree with you so I doubt that the family would be offended.

Also keep in mind that a funeral requires a young child to stay quiet and respectful for at least an hour, which can be difficult for a four year old. Just tell your inlaws that you don't want to take her because she is too young to be quiet for that long and you don't want to cause a distraction to the other mourners.

Answer 3

I think it would be OK to take her; my wife took our son (almost 4 at the time) to his great grandmother's funeral. Though the adults understood and grieved for their loss, afterwards the family all got together at one of the relatives' houses, and they ate and swapped their favorite stories about her, and laughed, and played, and it was a time remembered for the togetherness of the family where they honored the memories of those who had passed on.

You're right that she won't completely grasp what's going on, but she should also be taught that death is a natural part of life. My son understands that death is just what happens when we're very old and sick and our bodies stop working; and if you're of a religious mindset (my wife and I are not), you can talk to your child about how we'll get to see Grandma again in heaven someday, and how we can still talk about her and remember the good times with her and share stories about her.

You'll probably have to field some questions about when you and Daddy are going to die, and will she die, and things like that. Be honest with her, and try to keep it in terms she will be able to understand ("Mommy and Daddy are going to die someday, but not for a long, long time...You'll be all grown up and have children and grandchildren of your own...") And if your daughter knew and remembers her great-grandmother, she ought to be able to say goodbye to her.

Answer 4

If I were walking in your shoes right now trying to make a decision about this my decision would definitely be NO! I would not take my 4 year old to a funeral. I think it might be devastating to her later on in life if you're not careful. You see people on television especially in those lifetime movies where people are always taking the children to a funeral. But when my father passed away my son was 5 and we did not take him. We felt that he wouldn't understand and that if he saw so much sadness that it would not be healthy for him at such a young age. But you do what you feel you have to do. But make sure it's the right decision for your child.

Answer 5

I agree with you. A four year old will not understand the concept of a funeral. My son was 4 when one of his care givers took ill and passed away. He and his wife were referred to as grandma and poppa C.... My son was very obsessed with dying for a long time after that, speaking frequently about going to live with "Poppa".

Death is inevitable but we don't need to burden young children with the funeral process. I believe in being matter of fact about death with my children and use words they can understand.

I am sure your husband's family will understand that a funeral is not an appropriate place for young children.

Answer 6

It depends on a few things - will she be able to sit still enough to not disrupt things? Did she have a close relationship? What type of service will it be? I took my then 3-yr-old son to the memorial service when my grandmother died, but we had visited her in the hospital weekly for several months prior and he understood (the best he could at that age) what was going on. Later, when my other grandmother died, I did not bring either child (even though they wanted to go). In that case I knew it was going to be a couple of hours of visitation one day and a couple of hours of funeral the next, and they hadn't been as close to her so it just didn't make sense.

Only you can decide whether this is something that your child can handle or not, but if it's just that she will not understand death then there are ways to explain it so that she will understand enough. If I can explain it to my son at a year older, then you can explain it to her.

Best of luck.

Answer 7

Yes, take her. She needs to learn what a funeral is, how solemn and important of a day it is. Explain what's going on before, bring a little snack like animal crackers. If she cries, you have to take her out for a bit. Promise a treat like an ice cream cone afterwards. 4 years old is old enough to comprehend that something's going on.

Answer 8

I believe she is too young. You can not worry what others will think about your decision to not bring her, but if you are worried about it, I would tell them ahead of time that she will not be attending the funeral. I would take her to the family gathering AFTER the funeral.

Answer 9

I have had to deal with this situation before with my son. I can't count the number of goldfish and hamster funerals we have celebrated in our backyard for the past two years. You notice that I use the word "celebrated". We explained that some creatures "including us" get to play on earth for different lengths of time before they get the privilege of passing on to an even better place.

Our son understands this concept and does not fear it. In fact, now 5 years old, he will ask "how long does a monkey live, how long does a mouse live...etc.?" realizing that life "as we know it" is not a forever thing because we never tried to shelter him from the reality of death nor did we make it out to be some kind of "horrible thing" that will happen to us all.

Six months ago we explained that his "Nana" had died in her sleep and to be honest, he was saddened as expected. He was sad that she could not be at his birthday, or for Christmas. We ask if he wanted to go to her funeral, and he paused as I'm sure he was recalling all of the celebrated funerals of his furry friends. He smiled and said "sure".

We took him last, so he would not have to endure the groves of "adult" mourners filing past the casket not taking it as well as he was. He viewed the body a last time, Kissed "Nana" goodbye shed a small tear as he said goodbye. I choked back a tear, not for "Nana" but for the beautiful, simplistic love and compassion that he was feeling.

We celebrated that night eating at "Nana's" favorite restaurant with lots of happy stories and ice cream. You must discern for yourself the maturity level of your child and their ability to conceptionalize death.

Answer 10

why not? Children understand death from a very early age. Better to let them know what it is when it is not someone too close (?) who died.

I have taken my kids to funerals from ages 2, trying to explain as much as I thought was ok for their age. It didn't seem to cause them problems. They know, and have always been told, that humans are not eternal, that all animals eventually die (and they have their fair share of killed insects, of seeing the cat kill birds or lizars or eating spiders, etc)

I don't believe in over-exposure to stuff way beyond kids' age. But I don't believe in over-sheltering either, especially from something as common as death.

for what it's worth