My husband lies about EVERYTHING. And probably has all his life. He has been unfaithful since before we got married. I KICK myself for marrying him, but I really thought I was making a good choice when I did. I have confronted him so many times, found tons of evidence and EVERY TIME, he comes up with the most FANTASTIC lies, stories, oh and then he becomes angry, defensive, shifts blame, goes into a rage, and launches a full scale effort to get me to say..."ok, honey, I believe you". I do it because I struggle with low self esteem, fear of abandonment, and a desire to pray my marriage through (there are children involved and I was married before). I beat myself up for being so stupid and allowing him to lie and cheat and just take it. But each time I tried to get strong and confront the situation, it was hell for me and our kids...WHAT SHOULD I DO???
2006-09-25 07:56:03 · 53 answers · asked by Renewed 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First of all know this is not an issue with you as to why he cheats. He also has low self esteem and needs to control someone since he has no control over himself. The first thing you need to do is to get yourself into coulseling. i can not even begin to explain to you how much this will help you. then after a few months of that, try to find an activity that brings YOU pleasure. Something preferably OUT of the house WITHOUT him. He is showing you that he is selfish and doesn not love you ENOUGH to be faithful. His rage is vented towards you as when it should be towards him. The thing is you are not bieng fair to yourself or him by lying to you and him . YOU don't believe him and you KNOW he is doing wrong. He will continue to do it as long as you allow him. He knows youa re at a weak moment and is using it against you. I am not sure why you have low self esteem,but do whatever you can to fix it...Perhaps even walking for fresh air 60 minutes a day. Changing your diet to healthy gfoods also helps you feel better. take back control of oyur life so one day your kids are not their father or in your situation. I KNOW it is hard...trust me....but the we only have one life and when you get to those heavenly gates do you want to look back over you life with these regrest os a lifetime of sadness>>>???you deserve better. you can e-mail me if u need to talk
2006-09-25 08:23:47 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
In life we all make choices. People always show you who they are long before we get in a relationship with them. But for whatever reason we choose to ignore all the signals. The signs are all there (caution, stop, he or she is crazy) but we are blinded by what we think is LOVE. So you say you knew your husband was incapable of being faithful long before you got married. That was all the sign you needed. So you should really be doing more than kicking yourself. Anyway what you need to be asking yourself is do you love him and even though he cheats on you can you see your life with out him. You are the only one that has the power to change your situation. If your unhappy in your marriage than leave him. You can not be the best mother possible if your unhappy. I'm sure you children would be much happier with a happy mom. Well I wish you nothing but the best good luck!!
2006-09-25 08:21:09 · answer #2 · answered by mickey's1girl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry, honey I really feel for you, and am very sorry for what you will have to do! just like everyone else has said, do it. really- you didn't call on us to get the answer, you want reaffermation! Get into group therapy! You need positive reinforcement at this time, to help you see clearly of what you are about to do. Now is not the time to pick up a new hobby like smoking/drinking... think of your own happiness and the happiness and well-being of your children. Courage will be hard to find on those lonely nights- but he wasn't really there anyways was he? you have been doing it alone for a long time haven't you? Just remove the worry and heartache- and start over new! Don't hang out with anyone that will drag you back into the cess pit you are currently in! God Bless you!
2006-09-25 08:06:56 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
First of all; if he lies to you, cheats on you, and only makes you feel like dirt, The best case scenario would be to give him an ultimatum, (Either he sees a marriage councilor or you're out the door!) You or no-one else deserves this type of abuse! As far as there being children involved, believe me when I say they are feeling his abuse too! If you knew what he was like when you married him, My question to you is,WHY? Did you think you could change him possibly? (That never works!) A person can only change on their own and be wanting to do it for themselves! If it were me in your situation, (Which at one point I was) I'd not give it a second thought, I'd be gone and out the door with my children this very moment, get my head clear by seeing a councilor and once and for all get my life back on track! You CAN do it! Don't let him or anyone for that matter to destroy your dignity! Life's too precious! Good Luck and hang in there!
2006-09-25 08:18:06 · answer #4 · answered by shelly_mo67 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The question isn't "how do you cope" but why do you think you have to????
I'm sorry but your little self-centered issues aren't important, so get over your fear of abandonment, TAKE CARE of your kids and get out. You made a really poor choice in men and your kids are the ones paying the price for this. Stop worrying about beating yourself up (very self-indulgent) and start making plans to move out and give your kids a calm, stable, healthy home. Your husband sounds like he has narcissistic personality disorder and you can't change him.
2006-09-25 08:00:25 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its clear that he is not going to change in the near future, especially since he is not even admitting to doing anything wrong.
It is totally up to you...its a lot easier to make a choice than it seems.
You realize that he has a problem, you understand it, and you don't want to deal with this anymore.
Tell him that you know this, ask him in a very straight forward manner (without threatening, or being judgmental) whether or not he KNOWS that he WILL change...and trust me, this does not require time, if he is in the right state of mind to turn this around.
If he isn't, then you can either stay and continue to be miserable, or leave and return to a saner mind and heart.
You are beating yourself up, and he is the one hurting you! He has already abandoned you so many times, and you still fear it? Once you hear his answer, yes or no, don't let him continue, don't even tell him your plans just make a decision, stick by it and follow it through.
2006-09-25 08:15:10 · answer #6 · answered by Patience 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Ok.... I didn't even have to read the rest.
Question: How do I cope with a husband who compulsively lies and is unfaithful?
Answer: Get rid of him. I know its easier said then done, I've been though it. But if there is no trust ( witch I'm assuming there isn't because he constantly lies) there cant be any "us." And no way do you want to be with someone who is unfaithful.
Kick him to the curb!!!!!
OK. I read the details and I want you to know it sounds exactly like my story. But leaving is the best thing for you AND the kids. Trust me, you and him together is not healthy for your family. If not for you, leave for the kids.
Best for luck and you can email me any time.
2006-09-25 08:01:59 · answer #7 · answered by biscuit 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't even need to read past the first line to know how to answer this.
You must decide what is best for you. Because you cannot change him.
Can you live with this? If not... get out. And do it when he isn't home (for your safety) If you have no where to go then contact your county health department they will point you to the direction of the local battered woman's shelter. At the shelter you will have access to many resources that will help you get on your own two feet and enable you to live a happy healthy life.
Good Luck!
2006-09-25 08:00:34 · answer #8 · answered by ? 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Leave him - Suggestion, before you do, hire a private investigator to follow him. Then when you do leave him, he cannot lie about what he has been doing. You will then have proof.
Don't put yourself and the kids in a bad situation - Life is too short. You will reach a point that you will not be able to take anymore.....Don't wait till it is too late.
Been there - I know. Remember, you are not alone. Good luck!
2006-09-25 08:03:12 · answer #9 · answered by Aseret 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is no need any longer to be strong nor to confront the situation. A liar is a liar and you cannot force him to tell the truth -- you have tried before and failed. If you wish to stay in the marriage, stay. Just stop deluding yourself that you can change your husband. I don't see what you mean by "allow" him to lie and cheat; there is nothing you can do to force him to stop. In order for you to feel better about yourself, however, the most important step for you to take is for you to stop behaving as if he is not lying and cheating and to stop telling him you believe him. Don't confront him, because that does nothing -- just start treating him like he's a man who cheats on you and lies. You'll feel better if you behave in a manner that is true to your beliefs.
2006-09-25 08:07:30 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋