How can I overcome my fear of intimidating/aggressive people?

Question

I'm a 31 year old man who is sick and tired of feeling intimidated by aggressive people. Physically I have the appearence of a strong man, but mentally and emotionally I feel like a dog with his tail between his legs. People (particularly aggressive people) can suconsciously pick up on this, and use it to walk all over me, knowing that I'm too scared to empower myself and stand up against their oppression. I DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANY MORE!!!!. What can I do about this? Is there anyone out there who can really REALLY help me? Living like this is like living in a self-imposed prison, and it's a nightmare! I don't want to become a bully, I just want to feel GENUINELY empowered and able to take care of myself when I need to. I don't want to be anyone's doormat NO MORE!! Someone, somewhere show me the way please!!!

Answer 1

It is called confidence. You are playing odds that the bully won't attack but you have confidence that your ideas and that your person is safe, is strong.

Much of the reason you may lack confidence is that you know that you are not strong, therefore aggressive behavior makes you unsafe.

The first thing is to see into the people as for those who are truly likely to do you harm and those who aren't. You may be amazed when you look close. There are kind and gentle souls that can kill you in a second, but they aren't about to do that. But there are those you will want to keep your distance from and among whom you will need to keep a civil tongue because they WILL bust your face if they feel you are out of line.

First, you can exercise and build personal strength. Second, you can take lessons from those who learned the methods of fighting (boxing or martial arts) where you will learn the techniques of defense. Third, you can there practice, eye-to-eye, how to take it and how to dish it out. Fourth, there will be some bully out there that you will cross paths with eventually that will give you a reality check when you get too cocky too soon. He will be doing you a favor even if he wins. Unlike the movies, most of our little struggles aren't to the death but we build confidence in doing--learning from mistakes, recognizing successes. You will find the bully, even when he wins, will sometimes be less a of a bully after you confront him. There is more respect in trying than in not trying to defend yourself. Oh, and depending upon your bully and his neighborhood, get a will in order and buy some life insurance for your family in case the bad guys are in the drug business, sometimes even hardened cops get scared of some of them.

Answer 2

You have received some great advice...
I had the same problem as you...I still hate confrontation.
Here are some small things you can do until you get through the big stuff.
Set your boundaries ahead of time. Think about how the person talks to you. Be prepared to respond and know at which point they have gone to far.
LOOK confident~That is half the battle.
Finally, say as little as possible. Don't give someone the chance to spot weakness. Say what needs to be said, nothing more. You can be friendly, but be reserved. The less you say, the less likely they are going to pick up on your fear or uncertainty.
Know that you are intimidated because of how YOU REACT not because of what they have said or done. You have the choice to either fold under their aggression or let it slide off of you and hold your ground.

Answer 3

I used to be the same way but, sorry, the way I got over it probably won't work for you.

I went to law school! Talk about being around intimidating and aggressive people all day! Ugh! But now I can intimidate and aggress with the best of them, LOL!

I know nobody wants to hear this but have you tried counseling? If you have and it didn't work, maybe try a different counselor.

I'll give it some thought. Hypnotherapy is an option. I suggest that for clients that don't want to do months of the counseling routine.

Hmmmm.... I'll see what else I can come up with. I feel for you. Like I said, I've been there and, yes, it's hell. If I complained, my friends and family were not sympathetic (heck, some of my family were more aggressive than the lawyers) and they'd say stuff like "grow a spine" but I know it's difficult.

Hang in there. In counseling talk, you have "boundary issues" and just need to learn to set and enforce appropriate boundaries. Easier said than done, I know, but it can be done.

Answer 4

I have the same problem. I've started planning how to handle certain people before I'm around them so if they do something inappropriate then I already have planned my response instead of being caught off guard.

Example, if someone I know asks to borrow money, I explain I'm kind of tapped out myself. If they're like "OK, then just lend me a ten" I'm prepared to keep saying "Sorry, I can't" as many times as it takes but I refuse to be coerced into lending them the money.

There's are two people I know that seem to like to bully me into "not wasting food." Now, when they do the "You didn't even touch your ....." I respond with "You're right, I didn't. Would you like it?" or, if it's something my Mom cooked and served me (you know how they are, some people plop stuff on your plate when you didn't even ask for any) then I say "Gosh, my stomach's a little upset right now, can I take the rest of this home?" then it goes in the dumpster but avoids the whole ugly "I cooked all day and you didn't eat a thing" fight.

Make a list of the people who pick on you then start making a list of how each one of them picks on you and dream up a response you can live with.

The people who like to poke fun of me and then get all "Gee, it was all in fun" are lots of fun, aren't they? Now, if someone says something derogatory, call me a name "in fun," then I respond with "Gee, you say that like it's a bad thing!" and act like it doesn't bother me. Since I no longer get flustered or embarrassed, it's not as much fun for them and they don't do it as often.

Hang in there! There's lots of us out here!

Answer 5

This is a really sad question. I do not mean that in a nasty way, I just feel for you. Being aggressive is something which I know you would never aspire to, but you must assert yourself! To an aggressive person, someone who is calmly and articulately telling them just how they are making you feel, is more threatening than the biggest and angriest man in the world.

DONT CHANGE! Its not you that has the problem. Being a nice and decent man is something to be treasured and something to torment yourself over. Building up your confidence may be something that the martial arts could help you with. I wish you well in your future, God Bless

Answer 6

Well one approach is to get therapy. But there are a number of things you can try before therapy.

One is to confront your fears by placing yourself in the worst possible position and surviving it, It is actually a common techique used by thearapists also, but you can try it all by yourself also. You can get a very agressive girlfriend, and let her bully you. In time, you will find yourself confronting her, and rising up to te challange. In the BDSM world, many submissive personalities, after some experience, end up becoming dominants.

Answer 7

Have you spoken with a therapist? If not, why not? This kind of thing is THEIR JOB! You will NOT get help on a Yahoo question/answer site. Get out there and find a therapist who you can work with and work with them.

Answer 8

intimidate some aggressive people and confront them.