How do I handle a 14 year old girl that's not my daughter but practically lives at my place?

Question

Before I asked about her alcoholic mother, but now having problems with her. Last week she borrowed money and then didn't show up to work it off like she was supposed to. She went boy-chasing. She also "borrowed" without asking a stuffed animal from me and then ruined it at a volleyball game (it was the other teams mascot). She didn't tell me or apologize until I asked. She's a beautiful child with a mother who drinks and doesn't care. She's been like part of our family since she was 8, and now she's 14. But she's getting difficult. I love her too much to just say she can't come over, but it's getting really stressful. I can't place any rules on her because I'm not her mom, but I'm beginning to feel like she's taking advantage of me. If I "quit" on her, she'd have no one. But is it even possible to handle a female teenager who has no rules or boundaries? She hangs out with an older girl that also has no rules. I can tell her what I expect and hope for her but that's about it. Any ideas

Answer 1

Yes you can definately make rules for her to follow...whether children know it / want it...they crave for boundaries / rules / structure...etc. Just sit and have a talk with her and explain to her how you are feeling. It sounds like you are her mother anyway....She should understand. But you have to make yourself known if you are going to resolve this issue.

Answer 2

While She Is At Your Household, You Can Put All The Rules You Want. If She Is Supposed To Stay With You The Night. Tell Her When She Needs To Be "Home" By. Tell Her THe Rules Of Your Household. Dont Let Her Walk All Over You. If She Is Under Your Care. You Can Tell Her What You Expect Her Behavior To Reflect.
And Make Sure She Knows That "Borrowing" Without Permission Is Just Like Stealing. And THat Its Not OK. She Will Get That You Are Serious. And If She Needs You As Much As It Sounds, She Will Respect Your Rules.

Answer 3

Just be her friend. She is going through the normal phase of a teenager, since she has no rules at home, she feels she can do what ever she wants. Let her know that the world is not a safe place for young, pretty girls. She needs a mother and since she does not have one then you are the next best thing she has. Have you ever tried turning in her mother for abandonment? You should check into it, and also see what you can do to make sure this child stays safe. Either with you or with someone else. Good Luck and God Bless You!!!

Answer 4

You're right, you aren't her mother. However, when she's at your house, there are rules to follow, and consequences to be paid for her actions. Tell her that if you can't trust her to work off the money you let her borrow, she can't borrow anymore. It sounds as though your house is a place of stability for her, and you're probably right, that she doesn't have another place like that. If she's been around you and your family for that many years, and spends that much time at your house, she has to follow your house rules, plain and simple. Tell her the new rules, explain why you're putting them in place. Be patient, but firm. You have to stick to what you say. She may get really upset, but eventually she's going to be looking for the stability of your home. Who knows, after a little while without you, she may appriciate you that much more. I know with my sister, she had a friend who practically lived at our house because her mother is a psychopathic skank (she's bipolar, but so am I she doesn't seek help though.) she calls anyone she thinks her daughter is with at ANY time day or night. Once when her daughter was in CA she called my sisters boyfriend in NH to see if he knew where the daughter was. This girl really was wild at first, but then once she realized that we had rules, and my parents stuck to their guns, she became more well behaved than my sister. She could appriciate having my parents as opposed to her own. I know this is going to be incredibly hard for you, but remember that you aren't doing her any good by giving her the same freedoms and instability as everyone else in her life. I hope it all works out for you!

Answer 5

If the girl is in your house you have every right to have rules in place. You may not be able to control her actions outside of your house but in your house it is your job. Sit her down and have a talk with her, tell her how much you care and that you love the fact that she is a part of your family, and that being a part of your family means that she is going to have to abide by your house rules. Set them down, you may not take without asking, if you borrow (after asking) things must be returned in the same shape they were borrowed in, if she is staying at your house she needs to be home by a certain time. This girl needs help but letting her run all over you is not doing anything good for either of you. Believe it or not, she may appreciate the rules if they are given to her without yelling or treating her as if she is bad. Just let her know she is only welcome if she can respect you and your house, because by doing that she will earn your respect.

Answer 6

I had a 17 year old friend's daughter move in with me, and all he friends came to our house to hang out. Both my temp teen daughter and one of her good friends came from unstable homes and were used to doing as they pleased. While your teen has been a part of your family for quite some time, it is time to sit down and make it perfectly clear what behavior is expected, what her responsibilites are while at your house and the reprecussions if she breaks your rules. Let her know that until she pays back the money, there will be no chance of another loan. Also, inform her that she must replace or payback the cost of the toy she took and ruined. And while you ae probably the only stable adult in her life and love her like your own, you have to follow through when she does break your house rules. It is hard to do...and I know it from personal experience..but it is the only thing to do. It is totally ok to expect her to follow the rules of your house when she is there. Hang tough...let us know how it goes.

Answer 7

You may not be her mother, but you can set house rules on her. She borrowed money and ruined something of yours and needs to work it off. Do not feel sorry for her and give her money or be easy on her, she has no boundaries as it is.

This kid needs to know someone cares about her and will be tough on her. Call Al-Anon to help you cope.

Good luck.

Answer 8

I went through the same exact thing. Just set her down and tell her that you are trying to help her through a rough patch and that you would appreciate it if she would respect your rules and your things. If she doesn't understand than she isn't a true friend. Problems or no problems. No offense but in my past expirience with similar situations they were born to act like their parents anyway. Trust me... Depending on her age it is too late to help her. Good luck though

Answer 9

You can place rules on her because she is at your home. What you tell her is that you love her like one of your own children and because of that she will have to obey the rules of your home. When she breaks a rule then you give the appropriate discipline. If she chooses not to come over because you have set limits then that is her choice. If you do not set limits because you are afraid you will lose her - guess what - you will lose her anyway because you did not set limits.

Answer 10

You say you can't place any rules on her - wrong, if she's practically living at your place. And she desperately needs some rules. Otherwise you haven't got a chance. You need to let her know there are rules and expectations.

You're in a tough situation, she's in an even tougher one.

Good luck.