Ok, if you dated and lived with a quy for 7 yrs and he cheated on you when you needed him most...then you forgive him cause he said he was so sorry and could not live without you, and wanted to get married...so you do!! Been married almost 2yrs since he cheated and he has been the perfect husband...but you just cant forget what he did and you keep thinking he will do it again. How do you forgive someone who hurt you so bad, and I cant stop reminding him what he did cause you think he will do it again??? plz good advice I think I am messing up my marriage!
2006-09-25 06:28:40 · 28 answers · asked by na nah 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am 26 and he is 29
2006-09-25 06:29:25 · update #1
Hi,
I think maybe I can help you better with this because I once was in your boat and it seemed like no matter how many times he's proved that he's a changed man something would happen that some sought of way would connect with the pain he's brought along. But, I finally overcame my pain.
If you really want to move on with your marriage you have to let go of the resentment otherwise you won't be happy and eventually neither will he because he'll feel as though he's tried proving himself all for nothing because you still see what he did in the past.
For every minute you think of what he's done in the past, compliment him or tell yourself something positive he's done for you.
2006-09-25 06:55:19 · answer #1 · answered by bettyspagettii 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have made a conscious choice to forgive this guy. You are now married to him. Now you have made a commitment of marriage....that's more than just shacking up. He has made this same commitment as well. Look at it this way he played when you were shacking up...this is not good but it is not marriage. Hang your hat on that.
If you continue to dwell and be obsessive about someting that happened when you were not married then you will poison your marriage. I was accused of cheating for two years (I never cheated on her) but she was so obsessive about it it litterally destroyed our marriage. And so it will yours. You made your choice to forgive and marry. YOu must do exactly that. If he plays then you must deal with that issues separate from the shacking up issue.
Remember the three rules for a happy life:
1. Work like you don't need the money
2. Dance like no one's watching you ...and
3. LOVE LIKE IT'S THE FIRST TIME.
You can not afford to carry old baggage into your marriage. It will infect your marriage and he will either get tired of it and leave or he will cheat because he's already paying the price. Seek counseling from a professional for this issue.
Good luck
2006-09-25 06:48:32 · answer #2 · answered by hoyhoydc 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honey, if he's been loving and caring towards you for the last 2 years, then he's paid his dues. You are going to ruin your marriage if you keep on reminding him of his past mistake. Do you love him? Then forgive him, if you can't forgive you are going to keep accusing him till he says "well, she says I am doing it I might as well" Love him, forgive him, and forget it.
When you forgive someone of something, you give up the right to ever bring it up again.
You are the only one that can make this decision. Have you tried counseling? I think you could use some help in the trust department. It's very very hard to trust someon that has hurt you so badly, but it can be done. The 1st step is you have to stop thinking about it. Can you? I pray that you do? for you own peace, and happiness!
God bless us all........
2006-09-25 06:42:14 · answer #3 · answered by totallylost 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You feel this way because you are not OVER the issue. At the time, you did an emergency forgiving, and let go of the issue to concentrate on your relationship. He said he was sorry and he marry you to prove of his intentions. Now the memories have come back with a back lash to hunt you, to remind you that it wasn;t cool what he did and that you didn't express your feeelings at the time, and you simmer in that constant fear that it will happen againg and makes you act paranoid, you rubb it in his face any time you feel that he needs to be "punished"... so yes, you are ruining your marriage.
You are not over it, and if you don't learn how to cope with your feelings then you will drive your husband away. This has become an obsession to you, perhaps, you are used to the drama and you are afraid of letting your guard down so you get hurt againg, but this is completly irrational because:
-You cannot change what happened
-You said that you forgave him, and you lied.
-You cannot spend the rest of your life torturing your husband for something that you can't change and something that you forgave him for.
Forgiving means also forgetting. If you have trouble letting go of the pain and you are addicted to being on the victims seat, then you should seek therapy to learn how to get over the pain and let go of it and start being happy for once.
Good luck
2006-09-25 06:39:37 · answer #4 · answered by Blunt 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think what you need to do is TRUST him... If you decided to be with him & it has being 2 yrs & it has being perfect..Then forget about the past it was your decition to be with him because you love him am I rigth??? Then Trust him and talk to him about this express your feelings that you are afraid that he mighth cheat on you again, but most important should be the trust & comunication with your hubby if he is with you is because he loves you & so do you just live the past behind & live the present & don't mess up your marriage because an error from the past it is not good for the relationship.. good luck !!!
2006-09-25 06:50:40 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You will never forget what he did. It will always be there in your mind forever. But if you truly forgave him then you need to let it go. If you keep throwing it in his face you will ruin your marriage completely. Honestly I don't know why you married him when he cheated on you. You probably thought well if we're married he'll respect our marriage and not do it again but obviously the marriage wasn't enough to calm the situation. If you can't get past what he did and learn how to let it go it will never work. Trust me I know cause I went through it with my ex husband.I kept throwing it in his face and all we did was fight about it. Yes he cheated again and I got out. It's up to you to decide how to let it go cause if you don't your marriage will continue down hill. It's hard to be with someone if you don't trust them, it drives you crazy. So if you can't get past this you might think about ending the marriage or find a way to put this behind you and work on trusting your husband and making your marriage work. If you need to talk you can always email me. This situation is so similiar to the one I went through. I wish you the best of luck with everything.
2006-09-25 06:43:51 · answer #6 · answered by babieshay27 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Forgiving and forgetting are not to any extent further an identical element. you should forgive him in spite of the indisputable fact that the doubt would continually linger and the actual shown reality that he had an affair for 2 yrs exhibits he had an emotional connection with somebody else. i imagine which will be an indication that hes no longer linked to you bodily or emotionally and there is no longer a lot left to keep.
2016-11-23 20:52:43 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Really evaluate what you want from this relationship...mainly, if you want to continue in it or not.
Maybe you can think about how close you are and if you think you can get yourself to trust him again, even if it isn't in the immediate future.
Once you decide, stick by your decision...If you realize you can and want to stay, then you have to stop reminding him...because that not only reminds him but also reminds you. Always give him the benefit of the doubt.
However, if you come to it that you know you will never be able to even forgive him for it, then i think you know there is only one way out.
It is only up to you...no matter what he says or does...it is your choice to believe him, if you can.
2006-09-25 06:44:17 · answer #8 · answered by Patience 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just be watchful of who he is with, does he often hang out with folks you don't trust? If so ask him not to and tell him you don't trust THEM because of their actions, if he won't control his time with them (he can still see them but only if you are around) then he really doesn't care about you. If hes been a good husband then that means you know where he is most of the time and if you call him he answers, etc.
If there has been nothing questionable for 2 years than you definatly need to drop it and stop "rubbing his noes in it". If you can't stop bringing it up then see a pshyciatrist about why you are unable to forgive.
2006-09-25 06:42:03 · answer #9 · answered by PrincessB 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I messed up with my wife, I wont do it again, but I think the only thing that will let you forgive your husband is time. The fact that you are still with him shows you care and are willing to take a chance on being hurt again. Seek counseling if you need to, it may help you cope with the feelings of anger. If you have given him this chance, be cautious, but dont be overbearing. He will need your support as well.
2006-09-25 06:39:04 · answer #10 · answered by finished 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋