sexuality vs moral ethics?

Question

ok. I have a few dilemnas here and would like some effective reasoning to put me on the right path. Being a woman, I have sensed that I have gay feelings and that I have the "gay gene". thanks parents. However, my moral ethics are constructed in such a way that I always turn to men for emotional comptability.
This has caused alot of problems with men and I get into pointless flings that get me nowhere.
Should I just come out and turn to women even though I'm throwing the opportunity to love a man, get married and have children?
I've never loved a woman and my heart always goes towards men but I feel I won't ever enjoy a sexual relationship with a man as much as with a woman. I do not want to violate my moral ethics just because of sexual desire or should I free myself from the prison cell and just be?

Answer 1

To thine own self be true.

Answer 2

Firstly, will a hundred different answers put you on the right path?

I'm sensing that you are looking at this the wrong way, it shouldn't be about being with a man for one reason and a woman for another. Have you asked yourself why you don't want sex with men, why you can't have an emotional connection with a woman? I think you need to look into this first and because the other concerns such as "moral ethics", gay gene (if there is one) and sexual desire are all secondary to your types of relationships with both men and women.

Talk to somebody about it (ie a counsellor) many of your dilemmas will be sorted once you understand yourself and your needs. I believe there is somebody out there that can give you both the physical & emotional connection that you need.

Also, you say that you have sexual feelings for women but have you actually had sex with a women? Many women fantasize about being with a women but that does not necessarily make them gay as can lesbians fantasize about men.

Lastly, its really not about sexuality vs moral ethics but understanding yourself and figuring out what you really want. So, don't jump out of the closet just yet.

By the way, I am gay myself so I'm not trying to talk you away from women but I just don't think you have explored enough and you are putting too much focus on the either or part.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Personally I think you worry too much about morallity and what label you think you should give yourself. I am mostly sexually and emotionally attracted to men and have had many of the pointless flings you talk about. I recently got together with a girl and despite my many doubts about our compatability and what other people would think, etc, etc, it was the best thing I ever did. This was not because I think I'm gay, but because I disregarded my preconceptions about the whole thing and gave it a shot. Don't look at the gender, but the person as a whole. I would also recommend staying single for a while and getting to know people before making any decisions or getting yourself into another pointless fling. Go out and have fun rather than worrying too much about the future. You'll just get a headache!!

Answer 4

First, I don't understand what moral ethics have to do with emotional compatibility. How can it be immoral to have a close, intimate, but non-sexual friendship? The two best friends I've ever had were women with whom I never had sex. I've had close friends who were lesbian but still liked to use me for a sounding board, or even just a listener when they needed to vent. If the guy knows up front that you only want a non- sexual friendship and accepts it, the pointless fling problem you mention is eliminated. If it's women you desire for sex but men you desire for love, you've picked a difficult row to hoe. Perhaps you could try gay mixers where you can meet ladies for sexual relationships while having Gay guys for friends. Then the sexual question with the guys would be moot, and, in time, you might meet a lady who can full fill both your needs. As to freeing yourself from the prison cell, the only thing I see confining you is your erroneous conviction that you somehow have to choose between being "gay" or "straight" rather than simply being yourself. Ignore the labels others try to put on you, it's your life, live it as you choose.

Answer 5

Well, why don't you just try to have a relashionship with a woman? Sexually and emotionally. If you truly like women, and you get married with a man, you will be unhappy. I'm somewhat in your same situation. I've always liked girls, I came out when I was 16 and been having relationships with girls since then. But then I said the same thing as you, at 22 yrs. old I got into a relationship with a man, got pregnant and now I'm unhappy as hell. Not because of the baby, he's my life and I don't regret having him....but because I don't love my baby's daddy. The three of us live together, because I'm sacrificing myself so my baby can have a "normal" life. Besides, he threaten me to take my baby away from me, because of the fact that I'm a lesbian and would be a bad example for him. But you know, I don't think I can put up with this situation much longer. Right now I'm 25 yrs. old and I'm in love with a girl, but we can't be together because of this...that's another long story.

I hope my little story makes you think, and before your ruin your life (and your future husband's and children's) getting married, think about it. You can always have kids without a man, there are plenty of options out there. Every woman has the right to be a mother, no matter her sexual orientation.

If you ever wanna talk feel free to e-mail me.

Answer 6

So the real question is to you....WOULD you really consider living the rest of your life feeling this way? And who says that if you are with a woman that you can not have children and get married. Stop thinkin with the mind that was taught by society. I know that it is easier said that done but how will you ever be happy if you do. Think of you...you are living for yourself not anyone else ya know. Maybe you would be better off with a woman and how do you know that your heart really goes towards men if you've never been with a woman? Morals are just a "learned behavior" something that your parents and society taught you to believe in. Believe in what YOU want to and follow your heart. You should not shelter yourself unless it is something that you truly want. TRUST.....YOU WILL REGRET NOT FOLLOWING YOUR HEART.........AND YOUR HORMONES.LOL.

Answer 7

You don't have to activally "come out" all at once. Just test the water. Look at a few gay websites. gaydargirls.com, for example. Or try to find a local gay group and go along in secret. They will be very welcoming and help you through trying to work out your sexuality. If you find out that you do like women then you can start telling people if you feel you should. Many people find partners without actually "coming out" at all.

You should work through why you think being gay is so terrible. It won't be any good being a homophobic homosexual. Tends to screw people up, that does.

You can get married and have kids in the uk as a lesbian. Civil partnership, sperm bank or male friend (usually gay too), jam jar, turkey baster. Slightly different from Christian teaching, but that was written 2000 years ago before turkey basters were invented. Don't sweat it. Why be unhappy and unfulfilled because folk in suits disaprove.

Answer 8

I'm confused, why can't you just marry and have children with a woman? This isn't the 1950's where gay meant that you were two spinser aunts. Everywhere you turn, gays are getting married and having kids.

And don't put the cart before the horse, get out and date before you get all wigged out about the future. Date a couple women, see if it will or wont work out for you. Date more men, maybe you just need to find one who will turn you on. Make a decision on what you want based on lived experiance, and not on thoughts or wishes for the future.

Answer 9

Do what is right for you. If you want to try, go for it. You cannot let yourself live with a conflict because of your upbringing. I see too many people miserable. If being gay is what you want, fine. Just understand that there are consequences with all decisions, both good and bad. All you can ever do is make the best of the situation. You may find this situation there is no good answer, so take the best and do not worry about the fact that it is not a perfect solution.

Answer 10

Keep an open mind and don't let yourself be fenced in my gender issues, gay/straight issues, morality issues.... Learn who you are, really get to know yourself, and while you're on this self-discovery trip, if someone comes along who you'd like to get to know better, then do it. If you feel a sexual attraction and it's mutual, then explore that. If guy, fine, if girl, fine. What matters is whether you are a whole person getting into a relationship, and looking to share that wholesomeness of who you are with someone, or if you are fragmented, looking to be "completed" by someone (which isn't gonna happen by the way). Happy journey!

Answer 11

Most "moral ethics" are a sort of thought control device used by those who think they know better then the rest of us, and can usually be set aside when they cause unhappiness. Think about the real reasons why your situation makes you unhappy, and you will likely discover a fear of rejection by family, friends, or colleagues. These people are not worth fretting over. If they truly care for you, they will accept you for who you are, not who they think you should be. If they reject you based on a lifestyle choice, then their affection was superficial at best, and you need not lose sleep over them.
If it pleases you to be with a man, then be with him. If it pleases you to be with a woman, then be with her. If you yearn for both, there are people who are not bogged down by restrictive artificial morals, who will welcome you. All you have to do is find them.
The bottom line is that you need to figure out what would make you happy, then strive to acheive it.