He moved out four months agao after meeting someone else. We have kids together and he always calls with some question about the, He rides the same train that I do for work and always wants to chat. I feel that he is having his cake and eating it , too. While there are no initimate relations, he seems to have a family and a separate life. What can I do to establish that this is not a family and that I have a separate life. Please only answer if you understand what I am saying and had personal experience.
2006-09-25 04:52:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It's best to stay on some sort of decent terms with him for the sake of the children. If they are old enough, have them call him, so there is less excuse for him to call you. If they are younger, set limits on how often and at what times he can call, and let the machine pick up the rest of the time.
If at all possible, take another train! If not, sit with somebody else and have some work with you that you "have to" finish before you get to your job, and tell him you are too busy to talk to him.
Spend time with your friends doing things that are really interesting to you so you have less time to think about him. If the kids are old enough, get involved in some kind of volunteer work or take a course someplace. Keep yourself interested and interesting and don't worry about finding another man right away, as you have to heal first. Four months is not very long, and you will still hurt for quite some time, but the more you build a great new life for yourself, the faster you will get past the worst of the pain. Above all, don't feel guilty for hurting and being angry - it's perfectly normal.
Try not to fight, as it's bad for the kids - and never say bad things about him to the children. I hope you have a girlfriend you can vent to!
Chin up! Pretty soon your life will be so full and interesting that you have no time to brood about him. But he is the father of your children, so he will always be a part of your life, so you do have to accept that for the sake of the kids. Good luck!
2006-09-25 05:24:21 · answer #1 · answered by Maple 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you have caller ID then use it. I see no need to talk to him more than once a week, and that's JUST TO TALK ABOUT THE KIDS. You are not obligated to entertain him on his commute to work. Get a book and read it. When he starts talking, act uninterested. He'll get the hint. Wear head phones and listen to your favorite CD. Talk to some other gentleman you know rides the train everyday. My point is, don't be available to him. You're not his anymore and he's not yours.
By not answering the phone you're telling him that you're moving on. How pathetic is it that every time he calls you're there to answer. And if he leaves a message, you don't have to call him back right away. It's perfectly all right to make him wonder what's going on with you. If you want him to think you have a life, then go out there and get a life. Hell, you should even ask him to babysit one night so you and your girlfriends can go out.
P.S. If you don't want him to "have his cake", then stop feeding it to him. :)
2006-09-25 05:31:17 · answer #2 · answered by vitamin D 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your acceptance of the fact that he no longer belongs to you because he is already with someone else is very important for you to be able to move on and have a separate life from him. Yes, it's true that he is the father of your kids and that he recognizes his fatherhood. But that is all that matters to him. I believe that if he really loved you, he would not leave you for that woman.
You should accept that fact gracefully and with confidence in yourself that somehow, someday, Destiny will bring to your path the right man who deserves your love and is most willing to be the stepdad of your kids. But remember this also... if you and the father of your kids are really meant for each other, Destiny will bring him back to you and you will live happily ever after as a family, just like in fairy tales. All the best.
2006-09-25 05:01:15 · answer #3 · answered by Ruzzo 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only reason he has to feel like family should be for the sake of kids' emotional development. Other than that, if he ran out on you, there is no reason for you to be nice to him.
Try not to have a conversation on the train with him. Be clear to him that you are not comfortable with his behavour and that you neither accept it nor tolerate it. If he insists, see if you get get to change your timings a bit at work so that you can go earlier or later. Try cabbing it. The effect should be that he will look for you for a few days and then hopefully get the idea if he is smart enough.
2006-09-25 05:00:40 · answer #4 · answered by kettlechipsdude 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to get out for yourself. Then when your on the train you can talk about all the fun you had. Don't tell him anything about you only the kids and that's it. I know it's hard cause he is already moved on but stay strong and true to yourself and soon enough you will be ok. Guys move on faster but it doesnt mean he is happy he is just pretending.
2006-09-25 04:57:41 · answer #5 · answered by 2strongfor2long 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I went through a similiar experience with my ex husband!If there is, at all possible, another train to start taking to work, do that.When he calls let your answering machine or ansewring service take a message.You have to start distancing yourself from him anyway possible.Until you do it is going to be impossible for you to move on with your own life.I know how hard it can be.Try to stay strong.Goodluck!
2006-09-25 05:07:38 · answer #6 · answered by Gin 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to be firm with him and let him know that it is not OK to ride to work with you. It is not OK to ask about the kids, the house or whatever like everything is normal! Set his limits for him, if he wanted out hes out. He doesn't get to half azz leave. Tell him it is uncomfortable for you to have this relationship with him.
2006-09-25 05:42:06 · answer #7 · answered by WENDY G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋