If one person in a marriage doesn't want children, but the other does...is it worth staying together?

Question

we said death do us part....for better or worse...love honor obey. Is not having children (even when it feels like my life's purpose) just a part of the sacrifice I must show for my husband? Or is he being selfish? Am I ? What would you do?

I knew that would come up. See, we did talk about this when we were boyfriend & girlfriend, again when we were engaged. We agreed to wait a while....but now he changed his mind. After being married he just switched.

Answer 1

yes! he might be able to convince you in the long run or the other way around. maybe you can read a book about pregnancy or parenthood and he can do the same with those against them. in this way, you can understand both sides of the argument and challenge the other's belief.
a lot of things can still happen, you can get pregnant even if you don't plan to or you can be having fertility problems, but the more important thing is you are still happy with each other. no matter what, you have your marriage vows to live up with so work on it. goodluck! =)

Answer 2

Very difficult question. We're in a similar situation. Except we already have one daughter together. I know that creates a HUGE difference between you and I, but it took forever to convince him that having her was a good idea. Do you know what it took? I actually THOUGHT I may have been pregnant...I waited a week before I took a test and he had crazy up and down emotions about it. Finally we found out I wasn't pregnant and he realized he actually felt a little disappointment. I didn't push the issue or rub it in his face, but a few months later we officially started trying. It actually took 3 years to become pregnant after that. Now that my daughter is almost 5, I'd like to have another and we're back to square one. He says we can't afford another and he's happy w/ just her presence. He argues that we don't have enough alone time now and if we add another, our relationship might suffer, etc. etc. The list goes on and on. Whenever I add mushy motherly love points as to why we should have #2 I get shot down, "well, that's no reason to make a commitment like that". So, I do know how you're feeling. Sometimes I wonder why God would have paired me w/ such a man who has no heart when it comes to this issue. But honestly, I love him w/ all my heart and this issue is really the only conflict we have in our marriage. So if you have this issue plus many others, you may reconsider. But if this is your only issue, I would stay by your man. Maybe he'll come around too!

Answer 3

Quit succumbing to peer pressure. There is no reason to have children. Are you going to destroy your relationship over it? People only have children because they have selfish needs for someone to be dependant on them.
If you are so set on having children, then get a divorce, and marry someone whom wants them. At least you will not be hurting your current husband as much as you would if you had a child.

I knew I didn’t want children very young. It has been hard to find a woman that does not. Sure many told me they did not, but changed their minds later. That always leads to an unpleasant breakup. Sorry to say that.

Another thought: Maybe after a while, of being married to you, he saw what kind of mother you will be. Sorry to say this, but the people that make the worst parents are the ones that want babies so badly, and express themselves as you have (In other words the odds are against you being a good mom). - Just being honest - Sorry

Answer 4

If this problem is a continual arguement then maybe you should seek marriage counseling to help look at the possibility that you are not right for each other. It's not exactly a problem that is easy to comprimise. If a person has a child and really doesn't want to have one then there will be resentment and the child ends up losing. If a person wants a child but sacrifices for the sake of the marriage there will also be resentment and the marriage will inevitably fail as a result. Really a no win situation.

Answer 5

First of all I don't know what God you believe in. though I believe God made a man and a woman and said go and fill the earth, what does it mean?? (have children) and if you spoke about it before marriage, and agreed on having children, why should he change now?? that is selfishness, because if he loves you he will give you what makes you happy, but because he is selfish he wants what makes him happy!!!, so what I will say, that relationship does not worth it, in my opinion take your time baby!!, do it now when there is still time, don't wait till is too late(bear your kids when you are still young, so that you can take care of them and see them graduate and get married if they will) or you will regret for the rest of your life. Try to have those kids, and you will never regret, and is when you will see a real meaning of love.

But if it was a matter of health issues (meaning to say if one of you is not able to bear children) that could be a different thing but if both of you are able to have children!! all of above is what i will say.
chaos.

Answer 6

Wouldn't blame him from switching.... being a parent is just about the worst job in the world -- expensive, energy draining, and the kids are ungrateful. The worlds doesn't need any more, either. At $250,000 per kid to age 18, that is a lot to consider. Helping out on night feedings, middle ear infections, sick kids temper tantrums and all the rest of it, you really can't change the other person, particularly if he for sure doesn't want to participate. Raising children is not a binding force, even with couples who both want them -- children are divisive. It is the beginning of resentment, and resentment either because he doesn't wish to be a father, or because he was forced to be one will end your marriage. Do what lots of couples do in this situation -- remain friends, but end your marriage, so that you can have a child with someone who wants one, and he can find another lady who has no need at all to parent...... Life is too short to be trapped raising a kid you don't want, and too short to be trapped with a man who doesn't want any. Being a parent isn't for everyone, just as liking pasta isn't for everyone. Sometimes people change when a baby arrives, but don't count on it. If you are set to have one, and he is set not to, then honey, it is a deal breaker....

Answer 7

It is something everyone needs to talk about before they marry. But it appears to late for that in your case. Don't have children if you don't want to. They should NEVER be thought of as a sacrifice. If your husband wants children let him out of the marriage while he has time to have a family. It's not something either one of you should take lightly. You will probably love your children more that you could ever know if you did decide to have them but there are too many children born to people who never wanted them in the first place. The children then suffer the consequences for the rest of their lives. Seek counseling before you make any absolute decisions.

Answer 8

That's a difficult one when they change on you after the fact. If you really want children then you might have to leave him and find someone that will not change their minds after the fact. This is what it sounds like to me that he really didn't want kids before he just didn't know how to tell you. No you are not being selfish to want what you want. But he is being selfish to change like that after you get married especially knowing that children was what you wanted. Talk to him again about your feelings and if he doesn't change, then you know what you must do. Good luck.

Answer 9

Just leave. You, particularly, need to be a parent. It's o.k. to admit that you made a mistake, especially when there are no children in the crossfire. Let's be honest about "'til deal do us part": It's unrealistic. We don't make any other decision in life that idealistically. Heck, we don't even promise our kids "'til death do us part." They're cut off at 18 years! :-) Don't make that the deciding factor and compromise the rest of your life. Many of us find our main purpose in parenting. Choose "quality" and "integrity."

One "no" is all it takes, on the big issues. So don't try to change his mind. Please don't bring an unwanted child into the world; that would be so negligent and selfish.

Answer 10

I cannot see this relationship working. If you get pregnant he will hold that against you from now on and may even start abusing you. If you don't have children you will hold that against him from now on. My advice? Get a divorce now, and then when you find someone else before you get married find out about the children thing first and don't marry someone who doesn't want children. His opinion is not something that will change if a baby happens along. A man who does not want children will be a horrible father.