Is it okay to be jealous?

Question

I have recently moved away from my boyfriend of three years due to work. He is now going to the pub with another woman a lot who he met through work.

I know that he wouldn't cheat on me, but I still can't help getting all huffy whenever he talks about her.

I think he'd be the same if I met a bloke that I got on well with and spent a lot of time with him.

Should I pretend I'm not bothered, or am I right to voice my concerns?

Answer 1

Hmmm tough one, I think it's fair enough for you to be jealous, I think any loving partner would be in that situation. It's difficult even if you totally trust him as it's another woman and not you spending time with him. Also, you don't know this woman so you have no idea what her intentions are...does she have a boyfriend? If so how does he (her boyfriend) feel about it?

Before you were together was he the kind of guy who had loads of female friends? If so then this still kind of adds up, but if not alarm bells should definitely be ringing (take it from someone who KNOWS). Does he not have male friends to hang out with? After all you were the one who moved away so surely his life hasn't changed too much - unless your only social lives were each other then he should be able to carry on much as normal. If not then it suggests things weren't that healthy with you two if you didn't have lives outside the relationship so this would explain why he is having more difficulty in adjusting now that you have gone and is seeking solace from a previously unknown woman from work.

How often do you see him now? You should perhaps have a heart to heart with him when you next see him. Without being confrontational voice your concerns and explain that you trust him but it's really difficult for you to know he is getting closeness from another woman that isn't you, even if it is purely platonic. If you do this face to face then you can keep an eye on his body language too (watch out for too much or too little eye contact, shiftiness, touching his face more than normal). Also if he is always talking about her and dropping her into conversations then that suggests that he has stronger feelings for her than just platonic friendship (or conversely, if he only gives very vague details about their time together, or even gives too much detail, like he has planned exactly what he will say to you, then this suggests that he is hiding something).

Have you moved away for good? Maybe you need to speak to him about where he sees the relationship going now (if you haven't already) and how he views it working in the long term. This should give you some clues about how he is really feeling.

I wouldn't pretend you're not bothered as he could even be testing you, to see how much you really care. It's difficult because you're the one who moved away and maybe he feels as though you've left him for work. You need to be honest but wothout being a crazy jealous person. You've been in a relationship for a long time and openness is an important part of making things work.

Good luck!!

Answer 2

At the moment you are imagining all soryts about this other woman - would you feel the same if he was ging down the pub with another bloke?

I would say meet her before doing anything else - you might see that there is nothing to get worked up about or if after meeting her you still feel a little jealous (maybe she is very good looking or really o your boyfriend's wavelength) then you have more scope for discussing your fears. You can joke more 'I would have though you would really fancy a lovely looking girl like that, I'd better watch myself' kind of thing.

When I first met my partner we lived miles a part and I woul only see him every couple of weeks. He had a very close female friend who he spent lots of time with and they had little 'in' jokes and everything. I imagined her being this gorgeous girl who'd got the hots for my boyfriend but had played a bit too coolly and was just waiting until my back was turned to pounce. Then I met her and she wasn't like that at all, just a lovely person.

So go meet up with them, you really might find you are worrying about nothing - and you have a great boyfriend who honestly likes the company of women as mates not just for sex.

Answer 3

regardless of being just good friends, if your boyfriend has a brain he should already know that you would be jealous of any other female in his life. I dont think he should be spending so much time with one woman alone, maybe if it was along side other work mates of different genders. Did he meet her at work or socially? Because I think work friends are fine but just a social meeting that has turned into a 'friendship' is something to worry about. Dont pretent you're not bothered because that will only make you angry inside.Talk to him, but be very calm about it all. Any remote chance of a pre menstral bunny boiler scene could push him into her arms, so do count to ten before the talk. If after you've talked your concerns over with him and he continues to see her behind your back its time to move on. I know its easier said than done but in the long run you will be happier.
Hope this helps.

Answer 4

ok may i suggest perhaps if you ask him in a nice way not to talk about other females in your presence unless you really want to know !! i think if you are sure he won,t cheat on you basically you have nothing to worry about !! well yes i also think he might be the same if you were on same terms with other males !! but there is nothing stopping you from doing the same !! both males and females can have other friends be it male or female !!
i was once told jealously is a wasted emotion and i some how believe it is !!! take this into account !!!
well yes you do have a right to voice your concerns but always be prepared for the answer !!!
try not to get all huffy because this does show that females are the weaker sex !! SORRY ABOUT THAT !! but be brave and hang in there if something is worth sticking to its love !!!
just advice
cowboy5

Answer 5

You are right to voice your concerns, even though he says that he won't cheat on you doesn't mean to say that he won't. Things change so don't be fooled into thinking that he is a saint because no one is. If its at all possible at some point in the near future go back to where your boyfriend is and see what he is like with this other girl, how he behaves with her and how he treats her. I very much doubt if he is cheating on you because he has told you about this other woman but to put your mind at rest go and see him and speak to her too if you feel you need to.

Answer 6

Its normal to be jealous. Especially now that you are so far way. I suggest that you voice your concerns because if you don't it will just keep building up and it will not end well. Sometimes a little jealousy just shows that you care about the person. As long as you don't take it too far I think you will be fine. You can always just let him know that talking about another girl that much bothers you.

Answer 7

I wouldnt voice it as a concern - more a feeling of feeling slightly hurt and indeed jealous of the fact that this woman gets to spend more time with your bf than you! He sould be flattered that you care enough about him to feel this way - it would be a hell of a lot worse if you didnt care one bit!!
Just talk about it and explain that you cant help feeling jealous thinking of them sitting together in a pub when you're at home wishing it was you there with him instead. I hope things go ok for ye

Answer 8

It of course it totally natural for you to harbor the "jealousy" bug. And its also creditable of you to think what he would do in your situation cause you wouldnt want to over react. Men do not respond well to that at all.

What I would do is just talk to him about it. Not yelling or accusing just say "Hey, I know that its nothing more, and I would never doubt you for a second but when you talk about her as often as you do, it bothers me. And instead of blowing up on you one evening when you bring her up I rather be honest with you right as its happening so that something this stupid doesnt ruin our relationship. OR become misconstrued.

I would say something along those lines. If he were to get all bent out of shape that you are bringing your concerns to him and totally fly off the handle I would then suspect something. If he is totally into you then he will understand your concerns and make an attempt to either not babble on about her or not hang out with her as much.


Good Luck, this is a sticky situation.

Answer 9

It's not right to be jealous. But obviously you can't help it. You must tell him how you feel but if you trust him and know he wouldn't cheat on you then you're wasting your time on such an emotion. It's no doubt hard on both of you now that you're apart but it's what you chose and you can't deny him hanging out with someone else, even if it is another woman. It's up to you to make up for your absence in another way.

Answer 10

i feel the same as you.

Me and my fella have just celebrated our 3rd year together. But due to where we live i have been unable to get a job, so I'm stuck at home while he goes to work. Ordinarily we have a great relationship and like you i know he wouldn't cheat. But he's started talking about a girl he works with in the office as they sit next to each other and it bothers me.

Maybe I've got to much time on my own to think about it.