How can I deal with my in-laws and them demanding all of my husbands time?

Question

My husband and I have had more than a few rounds with his family and a few months ago they disowned him for standing up to his bratty kids. Now my father-in-law has got cancer and there isn't much that can be done. We are trying to help them out as much as can and still have time for our family and getting things done at home. Hubby has two sisters as well. Both my mother-in-law and father-in-law act like my husband owes them everything. Yesterday was my sons birthday party and they called in the middle of it telling him to get over there when he told them we were in the middle of a party they said he should consider his father first so hubby goes and leaves a 7 year old boy hurt, today we were going to do some things around the house his mom calls and demands he come over and help them. None of what they want done is that much that she can't do or his sisters and I am trying to be fair but they refuse to let me and the kids have any of his time and won't let us come as well

all they want around is my husband but I am suppose to say nothing. Yes I know the man is very sick but I also know we have a family and home and things that have to be done here as well. any suggestions

my kids are my husbands step kids and his parents have never accepted them even though my husband has. This is why they do what they do they don't want us together and I feel are trying to use the cancer as a way to break up our marriage.

Answer 1

You are right to be frustrated. Didn't your vows include "A man must leave his father and his mother and he must cleave unto his wife..."?

While he does owe them a measure of consideration and respect the same way you would expect your son to treat you when he gets older; Your husband must put his foot down.
Actually, if they don't want you guys to come with him then he shouldn't go at all. He is teaching them that it is okay for them to treat you and your son as secondary to them.

In the future when you have something planned for you and your family don't answer their phone calls. They can leave a message that your husband can return when he is available.

Take the power back in your family and quit thinking that "they refuse.." anything.

If they want him to consider his father then they should consider that he is a "father" too as well as a husband.

Be prepared to have them pout and throw tantrums but who cares. Your family must always come first.

I had a similar situation occur with my husband and his refusal to stand up for us so I left him without warning and took the kids.
I told him to get from his parents what he wants from me since he is so afraid to displease them and not caring enough about us.
He soon changed his tune and put his family in their place. He stopped calling them and contacting them for a long 2 year period.You better believe that now they watch out not to overstep their bounds with us and it has been very nice to get together.

Answer 2

If your husband can drop everything on the spot to go tend to his parents then its time you move. You and your sons physically and him mentally.

I was just at my brothers wedding the other weekend and they did the famous reading where the bible talks about the man marrying the woman and leaving his parents to be with the women. Well its time for your husband to take the marriage to that level. This seems odd considering you have a seven year old and I'm assuming that you two have been married for awhile. But it's time for him to make that mental change to you and yours rather than them.

You and your sons might want to think about moving away. Far enough so that you can put some distance between them. This really isn't going to hurt considering that they don't invite you over anyway. "A change would do you good"?

Good luck with all of this.

Answer 3

This is a difficult situation, but there are a few things you could try. One is going with your husband and being there to help/support him, even if your in-laws aren't happy about you being there. If you and your husband show them a united front saying that if they want him there, then they have to accept your being there as well, they may relent. If not then they may stop asking him over so much.

You could also try explaining to your husband that you understand his family needs him, but that you and your children are his family too. He needs to find a balance, and not say yes to his parents all the time, particularly if it is affecting the kids.

And lastly, be just a little understanding. If his father doesn't have long then there are two things to consider, that the situation won't be this way for long, and that they may want to spend some time with their father/son before it's too late.

Answer 4

Your husband is in a very tough spot, so do not make it any harder on him. He sounds like a loving husband and son that wants to make things good for everyone. I am sure you can probably see the pain on his face when he goes to help mom or dad. He needs to tell them no every once in a while and if they pull the "You need to consider your mom or dad first!" crap, he needs to say, "No, my children or my wife come first." If he does this every once in a while, it will send a clear message. They can not divorce him and people like that will try to "disown" you, but they want and need his help and assistance more than their desire to cut him out of the picture. The whole "Disown" thing is nothing more than an adult tempter tantrum and he needs to call their bluff at times and things will get better.

Answer 5

They are playing on your husband's guilt. You both must show a united front and say no or get caller id and don't answer the telephone.

The action of not really caring that their grandson was having a birthday party speaks volumes of these selfish people.

You both need to stand strong now, because when your father-in-law passes who do you think will be on your mother-in-law's speed dial.

Your husband is trying to please everyone and he will only succeed at pleasing no one unless he starts respectfully saying no.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Yes! Find yourself some extra curriculum activities and let him see what it feels like when you're not around. Do the children schedule get a baby sitter and get your butt out of the house with some friends and do the town girl! Then when he sees that you're going to start living a life of happiness, he'll find his balls and start standing up to his family. And until he figures out what he needs to do, just stay out of it when it comes down to his family problems. At least this is what I would do.

Answer 7

As long as your husband isn't some mama's boy who comes running everytime they call, then wait it out. I mean, if he has the ability to actually say NO to them every now and then, let him do what he needs to do. You are probably starting to be thorn in his side when he is stuck. If you try to be more understanding instead of nagging him, he will figure it out for himself and his parents will be dead soon enough.

Answer 8

Big Problem. You might want to consider moving far far away.Your kids should always come first . You and the kids are his primary family now. Tell him he needs to cut the ties and grow up .If you don't have a serious sit down with him now , your mother in law will be living with you soon.And Move far, far away.

Answer 9

i may be wrong.. but i think you should consider putting your foot down. the old man may be ill.. but ur husband made a commitment to u and ur kids.. u n the kids should be his main priority.. it may cause a ruckus in ur family when you confront them and speak ur mind.. but in the long run, i think it will do urself heaps of good.

Answer 10

Sounds like they are abusing a sad situation, and your hubby is a momma's boy. Sit down and tell him that you understand whats happening to his dad, but he is a dad too, and better start acting like one or he can move back to mommy.....And mention how much child support you will be receiving.