Is she just making excuses or am I missing something?

Question

My wife said that she was not happy because I didn't participate enough in child care duties and household responsibilities and I worked too much and she wanted to go out more. We live in the same house but are effectively separated because my wife has withdrawn from the marriage for the last 8 months. During that time, I have taken cooking lessons and started cooking more, I pick up my daughter everyday from preschool, I clean up around the house and stay with my daughter while her mother goes to her running club and spanish classes. Whenever I ask her to go out ( I even bought tickets to three concerts) she is not interested. She said that I am only doing it because she has withdrawn from the marriage and not because I want to. I want to stay married, I love her and I am doing what she wants because i want to make her happy. Why is that not enough? Am I missing something. It makes me believe that she never loved me, really so I am filing for divorce.

The problem with Sasha's answer is that my wife wants to move out but doesn't want me to go through with the divorce. She believes that "separating for a while" is what we should do. I say that there is something else at work here.

Answer 1

If you've done all that and she doesn't respond I would question 2 two things:

A.) Who is she sleeping with other than you?

B.) How long?

Answer 2

Ok - I'm getting more of your picture here than the other question I answered that you asked. First, when you get concert tickets, get TWO concert tickets and a babysitter!!!! You need to remember YOU ARE STILL DATING YOUR WIFE AND SHE NEEDS TO FEEL THAT WAY. This is EXTREMELY important. And she's being MASSIVELY snarky!!!! The remark about you're doing this stuff only because she has withdrawn from the marriage - well, duh, yeah, but it doesn't mean you'll STOP doing these things if she comes back into the relationship! Tell her how you feel, that you love her and want the marriage to work. Ask if she's willing to try counselling. Sounds like you are willing to go to the wire here, and I hope she will see and appreciate your efforts for what they are. Many guys are not so willing to make the attempts that you are making and I salute you for it. My husband is a great guy but I can honestly say I wish he'd do more around the house. Of course, he has a gruelling schedule and I am an at home mom so I cannot complain too much, especially as HE does not complain when the house is a wreck!

Once again, best of luck.

PS - I tend to agree there might just be someone else. I don't agree with the girl who says it's too late. It's never too late - not if she's willing to work with you on it.........EVEN if there has been an affair - you CAN survive an affair.......

Answer 3

Yes, your are missing something it is her! You are also missing things b/c she is not allowing you to see the real reason behind her actions.

I think I'd go stay at motel if you could afford it, if not then with a friend or relitive only for a week or two or till' she called asking you to come back.... Let her get a tast of really what it would be like to be apart and without one another, give her full and all responsibilites, it might be hard but maybe she needs a reality check and this might be the only way you're going to be able to get her to see what she is really doing. Don't go back until she calls you and if she doesn't after a week or two go back only with intetions of divorce this way you will have a better change of keep the house and get custody of your child. If you move out and take your things she will end up with the house and child... If it's over it's over do the best you can to rebuild your life without her but try spending a few nights away to see if this changes her attitude any sounds like she's just taking advantage of the situation... When she ask's why just tell her you've had enough you want to be a family again and a happily married couple or her x husband she can make the call at that point but for now she's put you through enough. Have you asked her to go to marriage counseling with you? Try this as well. Thats my opinion......

Answer 4

Before you file I would ask her if this is what she wants too.
Maybe the two of you could go to marriage counseling.
It sounds like you've tried just about everything but the counseling.There is always the possibility that she is depressed.
The best thing you can do right now is just talk to her,tell her how all this is making you feel.Communication is the most important part of a marriage.I wouldn't call it quits until you figure out if that is your only option.I wish you luck,hopefully everything works out for the best.

Answer 5

Instead of jumping the gun and filing for divorce.Try counceling first.Obviously there is a deep rooted problem that shes not telling you about thats causing her to withdrawal.Esspecially if you have done everything shes asked you to and shes still withdrawn.She may be feeling like u said that the only reason you did what you did is because that she had to say something.But she should be happy that u are trying to change.I would tell her that you love her and you want to save your marriage and you want to seek counceling.Just talk to her.I wish you luck

Answer 6

Yes, it doesn't add up. She already made up her mind and is trying to justify her decision. There's probably another man involved and she's stalling you, to investigate the other possibility. I don't believe in the "too little too late" argument, after your spouse steps up to the plate. Don't beat yourself up. I get a feeling that she has a lack of respect due to your being a bit of a pushover. She may be a bit demanding and critical, therefore never satisfied with herself or anyone else. She puts demands on you, hoping to see you fail. Is that true? If so, the way to handle this one is to be tough. If you stand up to her with confidence -- like, give HER the ultimatum: "You participate in this marriage with me, or we make the emotional divorce a complete one" -- she might fall back in love with you. She seems to be taking for granted that she can keep you so focused on your faults, you'll overlook hers.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for being a daddy to your daughter! She is your most precious investment.

Answer 7

It was probably the excuses she is using because she wants it to look like your fault that everything is failing. When in reality it is probably that she is just giving up and didn't want to look bad. See if she would go to counseling with you to understand the problems. It sounds like you are compromising but she really doesn't want that either. If she won't go to counseling than go by yourself so you can figure out what you should do next for yourself. Good Luck

Answer 8

I would think she cheating, but she probibly wouldn't tell you even if you did ask.find out yourself hire a privit detective of you can, or do some detective work yourself, 8 mo is a long time to go with out realashions. send your daughter to her granny's or babysitter, and go to your wifes classes, see what really going on when she's out.that isn't right for her to put you through all that if you have done nothing wrong.
my husband does all that now, but only couse he cheated, and he's going to spend the next 50 yrs making it up to me, lol

Answer 9

I suspect that you may have not helped around the house or worked too much at one point, but you are trying to change that. She on the other hand sounds like she found someone else in maybe her running or Spanish class. check into that.

Answer 10

When a woman makes up her mind, in her eyes the marriage is over. Good luck. I hope you can get through to her. But I have never seen a trial separation that did not turn permanent.

Answer 11

sounds like she found someone else but she's not sure about them so she don't want a divorce until she's for sure its going to work out with the other person. I would have someone check her out maybe follow her and see what she's up to.