My wife and I have been separated effectively, living separate lives and exchanging child care duties and trying not to be in the same space since January. Now she wants to move out and physically separate. I say, well if you want to move out, let''s just get a divorce. She says that she thinks that maybe we can work it out after being separated for a while. I told her that we are separated and I have contacted a lawyer and started divorce proceedings, even making an appointment with a divorce property mediator. Am I wrong not to try the separation? We have a 4 year old. There are no big issues like addiction or adultery or abuse. In my mind we were simply having a rough period after 17 years.
2006-09-25 02:52:17 · 14 answers · asked by william l 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You have been seperated (basically) for 9 months its time to fish or cut bait. If she wants to go let her but divorce unfortunately is where this relationship needs to go.
2006-09-25 02:55:53 · answer #1 · answered by fortyninertu 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't get the divorce - at least not yet. The fact that you are asking indicates that you aren't really ready to take that step just yet. Rough periods, as you call it, can and do go away. I cannot begin to tell you the storms my husband and I have survived - we've been married over 20 years now and stronger than ever. Have you and your wife tried counselling? Please keep in mind - you have a 4 year old child. And despite people and book writers all saying that kids do ok in a divorce, the strong evidence coming out recently is that kids DO NOT handle divorce well - even under the best circumstances. Also - are you completely certain she is not seeing someone else? Or maybe she is "romanticizing" about someone? Affairs that are strictly emotional and not physical are just as damaging as the physical. You need to sit down and communicate - even if it means having a counselor in the room. You need to find out WHY you are having a rough period - is it money or disagreements about money? Is it in-laws? Is it sex? Is it just general lack of communication? You owe it to your marriage of 17 years and your child to give it a real try. Marriage can and often is tough - when we went for pre-marital counselling we were told the 3 leading causes for divorce, in order, were money, sex, and in-laws. Ours was the in-law thing. Both ways. Also, five years into our marriage following the birth of our first child (we have 3) - my husband had a relatively advanced case of testicular cancer. Later, it was discovered our oldest had a massive non-cancerous brain tumor. Etc. Etc. Etc. This stuff happens. You just need to hang on and get through it - when you do, you find you're stronger together than ever - I promise.
Very best of luck - I'll be keeping fingers crossed.......
2006-09-25 03:03:15 · answer #2 · answered by hausfrau31557 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
first you should look at your question and ask yourself if you really think it is just a rough period after 17 years.... after 17 years you should know that rough periods pass so if you truely believe it is just a rough period then ofcourse divorce is not the answer and perhaps a seperation is all that is needed....
you should also ask your self if you are throwing divorce up as an option to keep your wife from leaving the house during the seperation... Is it possible that what may happen if she isnt in the same house scares the ***** out of you like nothing else ever could....
either way the decision has to be made after asking your self all of the questions.... the biggest being are you done?
divorce is an end an option that should only be used when one or both parties involved are DONE.....
If you still love her and want to get past the rough period my advice would be to let her do what she feels she needs to do to get back to the place that is good for her and while she does perhaps you should figure out what it is you need and do the same... and then if divorce is still on the table then make that decision...
Good Luck
2006-09-25 03:38:55 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why don't you sit for a while, then remember how did you finally marry her. Did you ever plan to get divorce at that time? Of course not, didn't you. I think you better try to have the separation first, then see if it's gonna work out to get together or not. The most important thing you should think is, is she a good mother for your 4 year old child or not. If she's not, then you better get divorce, but if she is, then i think you should take that as a consideration for your next decission. My mom and dad have been divorced since i was baby, now i'm 23 but the wounds from that separation lives in me forever. if you get divorce now, then your child will have no happy memories about his family together. That is so sadly, when his friends is dreaming bout "how can i buy that new car", he will be dreaming bout "how can i get a normal family". Believe it or not, family thing is so sensitive for children and teenagers.. I hope you think the best for your child.. He deserves a happy family..
2006-09-25 03:18:58 · answer #4 · answered by Happy_hours 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say give it a shot to try and work it out. Especially for the children.
My wife and I separated and were divorced for a couple of years. She had some emotional problems at the time, and working on a relationship was not something she was capable of. After a couple of years we began seeing a counselor together and reconciled. It's not been easy, but when we decided to work on it things got better. The stress due to money, kids in two homes all reduced dramatically.
2006-09-25 03:33:40 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you are not wrong. If you can't work out your problems of being together, while living together, how can they be resolved by living apart, where those problems of living together do not have to be faced? The vast majority of separations end in divorce, and more often than not, the party that desires the separation simply doesn't want to let go of what they have yet, just in case their fears of the unknown come true. But the reason most separations end in divorce is because usually those fears are unjustified, and the "separation" helps them to realize it.
2006-09-25 03:03:38 · answer #6 · answered by eric l 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why did your wife not want to go to consuling before now? This would have been the obvious step in the seperation process to try to correct things and move on. My thought is that she does not want to end one thing till she has another. That is selfish but as a female I can understand the thinking. I ask you what you want? Can this marriage be saved? Do you want it to be saved or have you accepted that it is over? I truely beleive that it is in the best interest of the children to stay married however this is not what I am hearing from your question.From what I am hearing she was ready to throw it away a few months ago. Sounds like you both have some very serious talking to do.
2006-09-25 03:56:08 · answer #7 · answered by blueblossom33 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have just passed the ten year mark with my wife and hey, things arnt perfect, but they are pretty good and we both realize this... There was a reason we got married and we want to keep that comittment.. We have even been through me and my addiction problems and even me becoming disabled.. I broke my back at work.. Now I am a stay at home dad and my wife goes out to work.. Now 17 years is a shame t throw away and it may seem as if your wife is just thinking maybe the grass is greener or having some sort of mid life crisis.. I often daydream of what if.. Life hear at home is tough somtimes. I feel like I am traped, etc.. But then I sit back and look at the big picture... I have two beautiful young kids and a beautiful wife.. I don't want to have to start dating again and I don't want to be alone or away from my children.. Sounds like you can work things out here.. I think it would be such a shame to throw this family into the trash.. Get your wife and get into some counseling or talk things out... This is worth saving.. Good Luck my friend.. Happiness is holding on to those little things in life that bring us smiles.. learning that they are gifts on loan that can be taken away from us at any minuet.. Take these gifts and nurture them and enjoy them, find gratitude for them and learn to accept them just the way they are..
2006-09-25 02:56:56 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
If neither one of you have been unfaithful or abusive, then I don't see why you can't make your marriage work. Of course every marriage goes through good and bad times and they all need work. You can't just sit back and expect your marriage to be OK if you both aren't working at it. Spend quality time together and try to light the spark between you both again. Talk with your wife and ask her why she wants a separation. If you haven't been paying attention to her and vice a versa, then now is the time to start.
2006-09-25 03:02:42 · answer #9 · answered by gel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you honestly believe that there is no hope of restoring the marriage, then you need to cut the ties all together. My ex wanted to stay married for health insurance and privileges that being married to me would get her. I told her that if she wanted the benefits of being married, then she needed to act like a married woman and we needed to be a married couple. She did not want that, she just wanted the safety net. I filed and went through the divorce and I am glad I did. You just need to be sure there is no chance the two of you will be able to work it out before you do.
2006-09-25 03:03:00 · answer #10 · answered by Suthern R 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like she is afraid to be alone without backup rather than to go ahead and divorce. Did she bring up trying to work things out before she wanted to move out and if not why now? Do you still love her? Why does she want to move out now? If you still love her than what would it hurt to try counseling first before you go for the divorce. If you are no longer in love with her go ahead and get the divorce. Why prolong the inevitable.
2006-09-25 03:03:29 · answer #11 · answered by smile4u 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋