When I met my boyfriend, he was separated from his wife after 16 years. He was going through medical care, so he stayed near the hospital, with his stuff at the house. He really liked me, but ended up going home a couple of times to try to work things out with his exwife and I let him.
A year later, he finally has an apartment and has asked me to move in with him when my lease is up. I am in love with him but I don't know what to expect.
His name is still on the house deed, so he does his own repairs to save money. He also has stuff there that he can not take to the apartment. He enjoys tinkering with things and wants to go to the house to work in the garage.
He also has a daughter who he tries to see 4 days a week. The problem I have, is that he goes to the house to take care of his stuff and the daughter when his ex wife is there. I don't want to get in between him and his daughter but this makes me uncomfortable.
What should I expect if I move in with him?
2006-09-25 00:30:15 · 13 answers · asked by torn 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You should to talk to him about this. He may not realize that the time he spends at the house hurts you. If you're going to make a commitment like moving in together you need to be able to talk abut stuff. Including this. Since he was married for so long, it may just be habit to spend a lot of time there. He should always be a part of his daughters life, but he doesn't' need to go to his ex's house to do it. After you talk to him, wait to see if things change, and if it doesn't, I wouldn't move in with him. I think at that point I would end it and find someone not living in the past, so they could devote more energy to your relationship. Not a past one.
Good Luck to you.
2006-09-25 00:45:51 · answer #1 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Things will not change if you move in with him. He will still be going over there, and this will upset you even more, because he will not then be home with you at those times.
Naturally he wishes to see his daughter, but the problem is, he hasn't let go of the past or his hopes. His house is comfortable to him, and he leaves things there in hopes they might still get back together again.
The problem is, you will NOT come between him and them, even if you wanted to. He wants them, but knows he cannot have them. And although he loves you [for the heart has many rooms in which for love to reside], he is lonely, and wants some semblance of the life he use to have... you are that semblance.
I would not move in with with him, until all of his stuff is moved out of his house [self storage, whatever], thus eliminating his need to go there, other than to pick up his daughter and drop her off. Nor would I tell him what that requirement is, but rather, use it as a guide to let you know that he has ended it of his own accord, and not just to appease you.
2006-09-25 07:55:17 · answer #2 · answered by eric l 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can expect exactly what your getting now. Second place. He's not going to give up the Ex. Forget the daughter, she's not the problem. You're just a side gig. Don't move in - this is a totally downhill situation for you. If he loved YOU, none of this would be happening. Want to try an experiment? Next time he's going, ask if you can come along so you can get to know his daughter better.
2006-09-25 07:45:37 · answer #3 · answered by risa131313 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That you will be his house keeper and cook....
He'll come and go when he wants between his rental and his house that he owns with his x living in it and when and if she decides she'd like to work things out again he'll be sure to go and you'll be stuck in the middle holding your own with a space that he may or may not fill... He also may want someone there helping him pay for the rental b/c he's already got bills on the house... How nice of you to help pay for something he's not sure he wants while he pays to support his daughter and x wife in a house you won't ever have....
I wouldn't get into a relationship like this one. He doesn't need to be hanging out there and catering to her anf fixing things if you and he are supposed to be serious. He needs to rent or buy a different house and try to make a new life with you and by doing this he is still hanging on to everything he's got that he is in the process of lossing. He's not ready to let go yet, not of the house his ex, his commitment to her and that house; how can he and you continue a new life when he's still hanging on to the old one...?
2006-09-25 08:47:29 · answer #4 · answered by sophia_of_light 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he is "trying to work things out with his ex wife" and your not talking about negotiating the child's best interest, but to get back with her, you have a man who has unresolved issues and you have become a convenient crutch to help buffer his pain from this past relationship. You may feel uncomfortable because your detectors are telling you that his actions are not in your best interest. A relationship will always be present with the x because of the child. First can you handle divided loyalty and secondly are you really in love, or is it a fantasy about what you want it to be, because it sounds like you may be choosing to ignore important warning signs. Love can only happen over years when that person consistently puts your best interest in front of yours (it must be proven), other wise it can still the in one of the stages of infatuation, where you future is still a question mark. As far as moving in you can expect your tension to increase until all of your inner questions have truly been answered.
2006-09-25 07:58:14 · answer #5 · answered by voncaros 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do NOT, let me repeat, Do NOT move in with this guy. You end up with no home, no rights legally and no marriage. He is not fully
divorced or he would have divested himself of the house. As for the daughter you will become the other woman and a target for her anger. Give him a lot more time. Make sure he is willing to commit before you buy into the issues you will encounter.
2006-09-25 08:13:40 · answer #6 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think deep down you know that will be a bad move
this man has not let go of his X yet
spending time with his daughter is wonderful but he does not have to be done at his x house
by the way the house is and excuse not to let gof his old life
2006-09-25 08:47:20 · answer #7 · answered by waiting for baby 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It will like him buying the cow and getting the milk for free.
Don't do it unless he is free and clear. Too much baggage here for you to take on. Keep your apartment at least until he sells the house or his ex buys him out. He is stringing you along with alot of excuses.
Don't be Foolish. This has red flag all over it.
2006-09-25 08:10:29 · answer #8 · answered by GrnApl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can expect for him to conduct and expect things in the apartment between you and him as the same 16 years he had with his ex wife... It's not really his intention, but it's what he's accustomed to and comfortable with.
2006-09-25 07:41:52 · answer #9 · answered by E. Gads 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its going to be a big ask how much do you love him do you think you could trust him seeing his ex every 3 or 4 days a week
if you move in with him all you can expect is heart ache and arguments disappointment
2006-09-25 07:46:17 · answer #10 · answered by chris e 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋