My 14-year old says that telling kids to use condoms reinforces that it is okay to have underage sex.?

Question

We were talking about the 11 year old who thought she was pregnant (yesterday's Yahoo) and she told me about her friend who is having sex, one of quite a few. She said that kids get the message that having sex is part of life and that kids who don't have condoms will just go ahead anyway, trusting to luck.
Isn't that sad. The way we're teaching our kids is confusing. We're givng them mixed messages. Teenage pregnancies are on the increase, compared with the USA where they're dropping. I don't believe that sex outside marriage is wrong, but what is the answer?

Douglas - my daughter should know what she's talking about. She's 14, has a lot of friends and this is a subject that gets discussed frequently in her group.
So I respect her opinion.
I'm not against sex education at all. But teaching kids about sex isn't the only answer.We should look at countries where the numbers are dropping and see what they're doing. These are kids - they're ruled by their emotions and their hormones. We need to respect that and help them. We're clearly failing them.

he point is that although they're taught to use contraceptives - they're not! Why? Because they're kids!!!!! But they're pressured into having sex because everyone else is! We should be encouraging them to say "no" and empowering them. Please read through some of the later comments by teenagers. Listen to what they're saying! Stop talking to them - listen!

Tara, xlost and t11omo - thank you for making my point. Please listen to these kids.

Lauren: it is 12 if the parents agree! (Surely the greatest contraception of them all!)
Also, they are strongly Protestant apparently and they don't face the strong social acceptance of sex they do here! I spent a bit of time reading it up.

I don't believe in your having to be a virgin until you marry. I'm not particularly religious and I don't put much importance on virginity and I'm always suspicious of people who do. Sorry - I think sex is a part of your relationship and I'd prefer to teach my children to be wise, rather then preach either abstinence of promiscuity. I don't want to burden them with the hangups I grew up with.

Answer 1

Your 14 years old is a smart cookie and absolutely right.I saw a good quote at the w/end which is anti-liberal but still good. Recommend that your 'child' carries condoms is like telling them to be sure to wear a seat belt if 'joy riding' No pun intended so I hope you can see the point the quoter was making.

Answer 2

They do it anyway and any 14 year who denies that is a liar!!! When I was at school girls were getting pregnant at the age of 13 and 14. I waited and even went on the pill before I did anything. I was told what was right and wrong and I followed 'the rules' as it were. It's not telling them to use condoms which reinforces that it's okay, it's TV, films etc. I heard a song recently and the words were 'lets have sex, no strings attached'. What does that tell our kids? We're only trying to keep them safe.

Answer 3

Something like this is always a double edged sword. On one hand, giving information on safe sex is a practical idea, the more they know, the less likely they'll be to get pregnant or catch a nasty disease. On the other hand, giving them that same information might seem like a big thumbs up on the whole teen sex thing. In my opinion, I think giving them the information is a good thing, if they choose to use it. We were taught sex ed from I think the 5th grade. As we got older, the sex ed got more in depth. Were shown pictures of people with syphilis, herpes, gonorrhoea, all sorts. There were still about four girls a year that ended up getting pregnant. The thing is, when you're young, you think you're invincible and that 'it could never happen to me'. Schools and parents could give all the safe sex talks they could manage, and kids would still be doing what they want. I don't think there is any answer. We could blame society, or the way that culture is changing and the whole 'sex sells' theme. We could blame celebrities with barely no clothes on. But the fact is that the same thing has been happening forever. The most we can hope for, I think; is that our own children are clever enough to be safe, and have enough self respect to take care of themselves.

Answer 4

I think if we stay more involved in our kids lives and know where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing we can cut down on a lot if the problems we have with teenage pregnancy. No, 12 year olds should not date. No, 13 year olds should not hang in private settings where there are no adults present. In today's world with two parent working families there is no supervision once a child is 12 and can stay alone. This relieves the parent of the cost of daycare but it also leaves an awful lot of free unsupervised time for kids to make the wrong decisions, especially since the decline of family and church involvement. I am so blessed to be able to be home with my children and keep them active in church and activities that are supervised. I understand teenagers needing some space and freedom to grow but they also need a lot of guidance and supervision. I will only give my children condoms as an absolute last resort. I am hoping to be able to stay involved enough to keep them from needing condoms- at least until they are past the age of 17. I cannot imagine my 11 year old making that kind of choice. Maybe I am a prude but I want my kids to have the chance to go to college and have a stable life without taking on the responsibility of being teenage parents.

Answer 5

Telling kids nothing usually gets them pregnant and diseases.

All kids eventually experiment with sex, booze, drugs.

Telling a kid not to do any drugs with needles does not encourage them to take drugs. It tells them some drugs are very, very bad.

Maybe, however, the best approach is to take, especially girls, age 12 and up into a OBY/GYN session and let them see exams and live birth. Let them see the woman sweat. Let them see the blood.

Maybe that will hold them back a bit.

Everyone thinks sex is fun, but no woman thinks pushing a baby out is a walk in the park. And men never have to go through that, so what do they care!

Also, I saw an interesting experiment at one middle school. This girl had to wear a pad that made her look pregant for a period of tiem and then carry around a baby doll. The idea was to teach her what the process was about. I found it quite interesting in a public school situation.

Answer 6

I agree , you are right there are mixed messages regarding sex for under agers ... The high school my daughters attend , the teenagers there can get free condoms no questions asked , i suppose that is a good thing in one respect , the way i see it is if kids are going to have sex they will do it regardless b ut if some are going to be sensible and use precautions they get a thumbs up from me , what i don`t agree with is how a girl can go to her doctor and arrange a termination without her parents knowing , and not even suspecting their child is pregnant . I have 4 daughters and granted i would never like for any of them to be in that position but i feel it is important to me as a good mum i am told of this .My eldest daughter has 2 16yr old school friends who are heavily pregnant and another just given birth 12 weeks prematurely ... Thankfully for me my oldest is a hermit shes too busy chatting on msn everynight and thats the way i like it lol ....

Answer 7

dont think much has actually changed in the last 20 years really. When I was a kid, most of those talking about there sex lives were savvy enough to sort out the contraception. Seemed to me it was the shy ones who didnt talk the talk who fell pregnant. Mibbe the ones talking were all talk and the shy ones didnt realise!

Problem is, sex is part of life. It just shouldnt be for kids. As adults, we should be actively campaigning to stop the sexualisation of kids. Its the stuff they do when they are 8 that affects what they do when they are 14! wee girls with thongs and push up bras at 10! its just not right that the marketing men are allowed to sell sex to kids in the form of innappropriate clothes and song lyrics and popstar fantasies!

Answer 8

If my child is having sex at age 11 OR 14, they'd get some sense knocked into them. THEY ARE STILL BABIES AT THIS AGE.
Im not harassing or insulting ANYONE, this is just a FACT that if I found out that my 11 or 14 year old was having sex AT all, unprotected or NOT, They would lose ALL of their privileges....OH MAN would they be in BIG TROUBLE! I thought I was young having my first one at age 18.....Now I hear age 11 and 14.....THAT'S JUST SICK, these kids have only been POTTY trained for 10 years and now I hear all over that kids these ages are experimenting SEX! WHAT HAPPENED????

Answer 9

Well it does ...because of kids nature they are finding out about sex at an younger age.. I belive it is up to the parents to inofrm the childern (based on the child) on sex and its issues. I personally find otu about sex when I was 10 but i was not going around having sex either. My parents bleived that I would make mind up on that. They stressed the importance and the what are the reprocussions of having sex when I was an teenager and as an adult. I think based on todays culture we expose it to them a lighting fast speeds thru the news and the media.. I think that we we to really sit down and talk to the kids and tell them that what sex is when they are ready..Dont be shy about it just do it..

Answer 10

It all starts with instilling values at an early age....not in their teens. Be open about questions as they are asked. They teach sex education from 10 now. They will be curious, its natural. Instilling those values will underpin any confusion in teenage years. There will always be underage sex.....make sure your child is aware of the consequences of this and encourage safe sex reinforcing those values.