How do you fight the loneliness? I need some real, truthful advice.?

Question

So, my boyfriend broke up with me; I moved into my own apartment; I changed jobs (because we worked together). But I am having problems with the my complete alone time. I know that it is good but it makes it harder. All my friends are assocaited with him (we moved out to San Diego together) and while I can lean on my old friends, the interaction is only by phone. I feel like I need to move soon just to get away but that feels like running away. What to do when you don't feel like distracting yourself with friends and want to be alone but you drive yourself crazy when you are alone. I need some help ...

Answer 1

In hindsight, it would have been better just to change jobs but stay in San Diego, than move away altogether. But what's done is done, so now you need to work with what you have.

You've probably read a lot about learning to love yourself and enjoying your own company, but IMO that's bulls%^t. You're still hurting, so it's too soon to worry about that stuff!

I know you don't feel like distracting yourself, but distracting yourself is exactly what you have to do right now. While you're distracted, your soul will heal itself, all by itself - much faster than if you sit there feeling sad. Trust me!

First you need to have a brainstorm. Write down a list of everything that makes you happy, and I mean everything. It might be watching a sunset, eating an ice cream, visiting your favourite auntie, singing, hugging your old teddy bear.... whatever.

Now write down a list of all the things you'd like to do, but have never got around to (or used to do, but haven't had time for lately). Think especially about things you used to do before you met the ex.

Now, pin those two lists up on the wall or your fridge or wherever, and write on a piece of paper above them "I will do at least one of these things EVERY DAY from now on".

You may start out doing these things and not getting any good feelings out of them, but keep at it, and things will start to change.

Also think about enrolling in an evening class or club. There is nothing wrong with filling your life up, right now, with things that keep you busy. Time enough to get to know yourself later, when you've had time to get used to your new single life.

Answer 2

Alone time is hard in a situation like yours. Try doing some new things that will take up your alone time. Being a Big Sister is a great way to spend time with someone else, and fulfill your need for something to do while fulfilling a kids need for a friend and mentor. Find organizations that you can volunteer with. Create ways to develop your own group of friends. If after you have made friends and found things to keep you busy you still feel the need to move then that may be the right thing to do. It is not running away if you give where your at now a fair shot.

Good Luck

Answer 3

Moving back to where you are more comfortable is not necessarily running away. Your not running from something but moving on with your life to a place you are more comfortable.

If moving is not an option for you then consider making new friends which will may happen with this new job. Or take on new hobbies which may put you out where you can meet new people.

"What to do when you don't feel like distracting yourself with friends and want to be alone but you drive yourself crazy when you are alone." What is it about yourself that drives you crazy? Is it something about you literally or is it just the fact of being alone? If it is something about you literally then maybe try to change whatever it is about you that makes you crazy. If it is just the idea of being alone then maybe a new hobbie will help to occupy your mind.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

Get a life!

The world is bigger than your ex and the friends in common you had. Join a class and learn something new a language or a new instrument, go to the gym and work out, it will make you fitter and the exercise will have a possitive effect in your mood.

Try to make new friends, go out as much as you can, the kind of loneliness won't go away with meeting new poeple, nothing will fill the void of an ex, so don't expect it to happen. But if you go out and distract yourself from your loss of partner and friends, you might find new interests and you might try developing yourself in a new area.

What is happening to you is normal with any kind of loss. It is a slow process and the more you understand it the faster you will heal.

Do nice things for yourself, like changing your hairstyle or adding a few new items to your appearance. Don't over do the shopping thing though !

Please pamper yourself, wake up and ask yourself everyday what you will do to make you feel good ? There are so many free things that you can get engaged with.

Make mid term commitments, like working as a volunteer for one project. Don't try to make long term ones, you will feel a different person when you get over your lonely period and wonder why on earth you offered to do this or that.

I hope this is useful . If you have tried most of this already and it didn't make any change in your feelings, try having councelling, you don't have to be mad to take benefit from it. If you can't afford a psycologist, call a free helpline or if you are religious go and talk to your church head, like a priest or something.

Don't stay in alone or on the internet, change the environment, ha ve coffee in a new part of town everyday, or visit different parks, drive around, go away for the weekends, stay in places where you will surely meet other people, there is a range of breaks you can take depending on your budget, don't care who you end up surrounded by and try to learn what good thing each one can teach you.

GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 5

I am a single 36 year old. I know what you are going through some days. I feel lonely some days because all of my friends over the years have drifted away or are married and do not have time to go out like we used to.

The best way I fight loneliness is to find something I am passionate about. Since I am active in martial arts, I end up spending a lot of time at the Dojang (Taekwondo school). I also went back to school to finish up my masters degree. Sometimes I do some volunteer time and meet people through those channels.

Here are some other suggestions to meet people if you really rather not do clubs and bars:

- Parks
- Political Organizations
- Book Clubs and Libraries
- Animal Shelters
- Theater clubs

Whatever you passion is, pursue it and you will not spend your time holed up in your house lonely stewing.

Answer 6

Shop. Take up Yoga or spin class. You will meet the coolest people there. you need to get out of the house and make new friends. Read, make sure you have a pet. My dogs are my best friends. A good place to meet people is out walking you dogs. Once you drop the sad face and negative vibe you will attract more friends. Be more willing to talk to people.In a grocery line, or anything like that. Like I said take on excersize classes not only will you make friends and keep your mind off being alone but, you'll look get and the next guy your grab may just be a Brad Pitt.

Answer 7

Get out of the apartment, indirect interaction with people outside of your home will help slightly, and if anything more then a conversation happens with someone then it might help more then you think.

Make some new friends by being sociable, ask co-workers to go out for a beer after work.

Volunteer at a mission somewhere, and find out just how lonely life is when you only have what you can carry on your back.

Answer 8

I feel your pain. I hate that part, I've been alone for a couple of years now (mostly because I travel all the time and don't stay in one place long enough to have a girlfriend). The best thing I've ever done for this was starting a new hobby (painting). You have to have something to keep yourself occupied, and something that produces rewarding results. That way, you don't feel like you're just sitting around killing time.

Answer 9

Hmmmmm. I used to be lonely a LOT - and I do have a husband plus 4 children plus friends, siblings. It had nothing to do with those matters. For me it was a spiritual emptiness. It felt like a hole in my heart. I would frantically phone one person after another trying to connect with human beings.

Once I realized that it was a spiritual aloneness, I was able little by little, to first of all find (I was agnostic) and then to get closer, to a benevolent Higher Power that accepts me no matter what. What comfort that gives.

Good luck to you.

Answer 10

When you have time to think life can be at it's most difficult.As hard as it may be those are what you need to conquer.Masking sorrow by avoiding it just prolongs it. Cliche that it is,it will get better.You have a new job,get to know some of your co-workers to minimize loneliness.Most people are to a certain extent,so a breath of fresh air may be a welcome distraction for them as well.In the meantime focus on plans for your future,and put an extra effort into achieving goals for yourself.