Am I in the wrong for saying no?

Question

My hubby works out of town. He is gone anywhere from a few days up to 2 weeks, sometimes..but not often more. When he leaves his oldest daughter from a previous marriage goes back to her mothers house untill he returns. A few times he has asked me to watch her for a few days more while he is gone and I have said no, she can go to her mother's. I say this because I treasure the time alone with my child and use the time he is gone to relax. If her Mother was incapable of watching her or was out of town then it would be a different story..but she isnt. When he is home and she is here I find myself constantly picking up after them and in general keeping house. So when he leaves it is my break to slough everything off ( except work ) and spend time with my child.
He has gotten offended the past few times that I have said no I will not watch her. Am I in the wrong for saying no to watching her for a few says while her mother has nothing more to do than go to work and come home?

I just want some alone time to bond with my daughter without feeling the obligation to take on both of them.
So am I in the wrong? Should he be offended with me for saying no or not?

Her mother is perfectly capable of looking after her.. she can be flaky at times but thats about it.
Its not that I dont want the child around but I want time alone to be with my daughter..I get this time when the hubby goes back to work.
Its nothing against the child at all.. I just want my personal space.

"his daughter" and "my child" are just terms for definition.
They arent meant to be read any deeper than that.

When the whole family is here I am the Mom. I engage the children in activity, I make sure they have clean clothes and house and food... I see that they all get what they need.
We do things as a family, there is no resentment or hostility toward any child here.

And to be perfrectly honest with you all.. give the choice she chooses to go to her Mum's pretty much everytime. At her mothers house she is the only child and has her every whim catered too.

Answer 1

You are in a tough situation. I am married for the second time and have four kids with my wife. I had no kids with my first wife. If I did I would most certainly want to see them as much as I could but I would have to consider the family and my wife that I have now. I believe he should respect your wishes. Im sure he would like for you and his daughter to form a special bond but he must understand that takes time and you need your own space. Everyone needs their own space. It is not wrong for you to say no because it's important that his daughter has equal time with her mother. She may see that as just a way to dump her off so you won't have to deal with her so maybe you should talk to her and explain that you love her and you don't want to take time away from her birth mother. Tough situation require tough decisions. What others, including myself, think you should do is not as important as what you and your husband believe to be the right way for you, him, and her. Every child needs boundries and it's up to us as parents to set those boundries. Respect your husbands desire to have you keep her while he is away but do not let your respect for him force you to feel guilty if you need to say no. Remember this, a child is looking to you for a role model as most will emulate their piers. Just saying no is not enough. Say no with compassion and give her reasons for no. As well as giving him reasons. Hey ... we husbands need boundries too. :)

Answer 2

The way I see it is that he wants you to bond closer with his daughter. If her mother is capable of looking after her but he still chooses her to stay with u a few days and she isnt objecting then I think you should do it. Like you said yourself he is gone from a few days to 2 weeks. If he is only going for 2 days is it really a good idea to uproot 'his' daughter?

I think you are being selfish. How would you have felt if your parents were divorced and ur step parent didnt want you around while the other parent wasnt home?

I am sure she loves her mother but she might actually want to spend time with you and her other sibling (your child) and bond as an extended family.

Answer 3

I would compromise. It's the only way to solve this problem, honestly. While you need your alone time with your child, your husband wants to see that you accept his children just as much as you would if you two had children. Offer to have her stay with you when your husband is preparing for a trip. It will be a nice surprise to him that he will appreciate your effort. It may put you out a little, but try to positively spin it and think of an activity all three of you could do. You will still have time alone with your child on other weekends and you will just enjoy it that much more. Even if you don't do it this exact way, in situations where one side is black and one is white, the best way to solve it is to compromise so there is a little give and a little take on both sides. Good luck!

Answer 4

I definately think you are in the wrong, BUT that is MY PERSONAL opinion in which you are asking for. I can definately UNDERSTAND where you are coming from as well! But the fact is that i'm sure you KNEW he had a child before you married him, right? It was definately a package deal! You sealed it when you got married. So you SHOULD wanna have his daughter around as well as yours, bonding with your daughter should still be the same while bonding with his daughter and YOURS at the same time! There should be NO difference. Umm.... Definately if you PREFER not to clean up after everyone... SIT down have a "FAMILY DISCUSSION" stating how you feel about certain things. Give everyone chores! I'm sure they are capable of at LEAST picking up after themselves. I do know you love personal time, it's the best thing to have. SO just pick a day of the week, get babysitters if needed and get out or send the kids out for the day... thats all you need to do... With sending his daughter away cuz u want personal time that must seem offensive to her for sure, she's probly wondering why she's not wanted... ? I know I would wonder that... even if I did still wanna go to my MOMS place... my dad new wife didn't want me around? I'd definately wonder what's up and how come and what i did wrong if i did wrong... i would NOT feel wanted. As for ur hubby being offended he has every right! Cuz like I said b4 it was a package deal. SO I'm sure he assumed you'd take on the responsibility of it all. AT LEAST he does ask you if you want to watch his child or not... I'm sure he still understands how you feel about it... but how would you feel if he said that to you? and the roles were changed around? I'm sure u'd be aggrevated by it all. Personally I think you should take the ROLE on of being the STEP-MOM and enjoy the company HIS daughter brings to you. :) GOOD LUCK EITHER WAY...again this is just a personal roll off of my mouth lol... good luck! :)

Answer 5

No, you are not wrong for saying no. However, it does sound like you need to communicate better with your husband better. He has put you into an awkward position. I would think that her mother would want to spend more time with her. Does your husband not trust her mother and he wants you to watch her because you are much better with your step-daughter? Maybe if he would participate more with the child rearing, you would not need the time he is gone to relax and catch up. Are your children old enough for chores? They, along with your husband, could work with you and HELP! Then you would maybe feel differently when he is gone. Communication within your family will help your problem.

Answer 6

Well, if you could use it as a trade off, like she can watch you kid for a moments and child, and you watch hers for a few moments and chill, and you have no reason to fear this woman, then take advantage of it.

But whats so wrong with having the kid around? Do you resent her? Yeah she is someone else's daughter, but you still have come responsibility to her because you married her father. Come on and grow up.

Yes its nice to have a break every now and then. But if you keep doing it on a consistent basis then you are in the wrong.

Now if you actually get into serious arguments and fights while her father is gone, and you have a real reason for not wanting her to be around - i.e. protecting your relationship with your current husband from being ripped apart because a grown woman can't act like an adult and push differences aside. Then yes, continue what you are doing and keep pushing the girl to her mom.

But maybe she is the one requesting to be around you. Maybe there is a reason why she doesn't want to be with her mom.

Examine the situation closely rather than just cutting yourself off. You married more than your husband. Sorry, but this is a fact.

Answer 7

you should have understood the situation before you married him and accepted him AND his family, including his daughter. When you marry someone with children from previous marriages or relationships the potential for that child (or children) living with you is always there, and the welfare of the children come first ALWAYS.

I understand you wanting to bond with your daughter, but how about bonding with your daughter's HALF-SISTER as well?? I think spending time with both girls is very important. She may need your advice, mentoring or just your shoulder someday, and she should feel comfortable coming to you.

I married my husband knowing that he wanted full custody of his two teenage boys. He married me knowing he was taking on the responsibility of my 2yr old twin girls. It has been trying at times but for the most part, we are one big happy family. When the boys want to see their mother, I don't mind taking them and picking them up when they want to come home. Sometimes it is inconvenient, but their wanting to see their mother is more important.

I think if you don't start putting the children first, I feel you may have some difficult times ahead in your marriage. So, yes, I believe you are being selfish. He is not asking you to do this ALL of the time, so you will still have your time alone with "your" daughter. It would make that time even more special (i guess).

Answer 8

Your husband's daughter is your step-daughter, not "his daughter". If you are always picking up after her, you need to say something and set some ground rules. You should love the time you spend with her as well as the time you spend with your other child. If you don't, you need to tell him this. I think that he has a right to be offended if you have not explained any of this to him. Maybe he is offended, because he feels like you are not treating her like part of your family, only as his daughter from a previous marriage.

Answer 9

well, i'm not sure why you're asking this question because it sounds like you already have rationalized the answer in your head as to why you are not in the wrong for saying no. sounds like you're looking for affirmation. well, i think you are in the wrong. you married your husband knowing he had a daughter. that means that she is now you daughter also. sounds like you are bitter at her biological mother's unwillingness to take care of her daughter. if your husband needs help while he is at work, it is your job to help him. you are making it sound like she is a burden on you by interfering w/ the bonding of your other child. that is a selfish way of thinking and if you weren't willing to think of your husband's daughter as your own and treat her that way, then you shouldn't have married him.

Answer 10

It sort of seems that you aren't making the extra effort to make his daughter part of your marriage. Whether or not her mother can take care of her, you should make an effort to spend some time with her and your daughter as well. Maybe he asks you to do this so that you can bond with her and be part of her life. When you get married to someone with kids, you have to accept his kids too, and not just when it is convenient for you. I understand everyone wants their own "personal" time, but kids should come first, whether or not they are biologically yours. You are her step mom. Notice the word MOM in there?? Start acting like it.