mama's boy- to stick it out or not??

Question

Been w/ husband for 6 yrs
thru out the marriage there has been tension regarding his mom and her control-manipulation of him- the quilt thing, when I have talked to him , he never sees things from my point of view it is always his mom, or lately it is just riding the fence . He refuses to stand up to her or support me even when he acknowledges her actions being disrespectful or just plain hurtful and that I have done nothing wrong, to ensure her feelings never get hurt , he ends up hurting mine. He has said he feels stuck in the middle . This wk she has called crying twice- that she is losing her son and that she thinks because we let his aunt babysit for us one afternoon that our kids like his aunt more than her, she waits for me to go to work and then visits the kids, she is a good grandmotther and hubby is a great dad- but not being supported by husband is hurting, being treated as if I had done something wrong is killing me-It is like she is jealous-talking hasn't worked.

we have been having same fight for the last 2 yrs of our marriage about this and he just says he will try- but I don't get it- he gets mad at me if I even mention his mom and what she does- even when he knows. He is supersensitive about it- he says she dosen't care for me. This is his mom- I know this is a fight that I will not win- but I do love him , so I have stuck it out this long out of respect that he loves his mom and I have been hoping he would see it for himself, or I could at least just learn to deal with it. Emotionally I am drained- to make a break or stick it out longer???

opinion on seperating if he refuses to stand up to her and make some boundaries-- He does not want me to talk with her-, so if i go behind his back and try, then I could make the situation worse??

Answer 1

When two adults marry each other, that is the family. Your husband should be "sticking up" for you, no matter what. You need to go to counseling, for yourself if he will not go with you. You need to make it clear to him that he is hurting you, and that you will leave him, if he continues to make you feel this way. Do you want to spend the next decades of your life like this? It is a good thing that she is a good grandmother and your husband is a good father. He needs to be your husband first and foremost. Good luck!

Answer 2

That sounds tough. There comes a time in a man's life when he has to stand up and tell his mother, 'Do not speak to my wife that way; do not try to dictate to me about my relationship with my wife.'.

I'm sure you have told him how much this is hurting you. Have you made it perfectly clear, using language like, 'This is what I need you to do in order for me to feel that you care about me'. (and make it real simple so he can understand - be very specific).

There should be no feeling of being stuck in the middle for him - the process of becoming an adult is the process of leaving the family you were born into so that you can create your own family with the children you create. He absolutely has to tell his mother to back off and start giving you the respect you need. I'm glad you say he is a great father, and now he needs to start being a great husband by making it clear to his mother that he already has a wife - you - and he does not need a second one. It is time for him to start setting some boundaries in his relationship with his mother to give you what you need. Because the more he gives you what you need, the more inclined you'll be to give him what he needs - that's called negotiation.

Good luck!

Answer 3

Well Hun ..to tell u the truth i was in the same boat..It really sucks to have married a man that can't tell his mother NO.i feel ya..but in all actuality it's up to u,can u stay sain enough to take it? I think u should write ur hubby a letter really tell him how u feel..sometimes if it's on paper ppl seem to take it more seriously then sit down and discuss it..because basically he married U not his mom and he should back U..His mom has some issues she needs to work out as well w/ letting him live his life he's a grown man w/ his own family..so maybe she needs a letter as well...im not saying disrespect her but tell her how u feel..either she will keep doing what she's doin or recognize her mistakes...Good Luck!!!!!!!!!

Answer 4

wow ..

Ok.. first of all.. are u and ur husband christians? if so time to pull out the bible and show him where it talks about how ur wife is to come before all others.. even ur parents.....

Although he loves his mom and thats understandable, his priority is to his immediate family.. that is u and ur children.. his parents and siblings are no longer his immediate family they are extended family now..

I suggest u have a sit down talk with her, just u and her and try to explain to her how this is making u feel with out making her feel judged or the need to go on the defensive.. You need to explain to her, that u love her son very much, and that u understand that she loves him too and that ur in no way trying to take him away from her.. but that their have to be boundries.. that she cant interfere in your marriage with him.. let her know that u want her to be very much involved with ur children but that she's making it very hard to want to have her involved.. let her know what its doing to your marriage.. what its doing to him.. and what it very well could do to your family if u both cant come to a compromise.. shes a woman, shes a mother, and shes either is or has been a wife.. she should understand what ur going through atleast to some degree.. if u handle it the right way..

Your husband shouldnt be riding the fence, but at the same time realize because he's not thinking properly that it has to be hard being in the middle of this.. try with all u can to not put him in the middle.. look like the good guy.. but let him know that u and him have to come up with some compromises that u need boundries that she cant pass through.. and he has to stick to it .. and not crumble every time calls or crys.. shes a big girl she can take it..

I love my kids.. and i hate thinking of the day that they leave to go on with their own lives.. but thats what all kids do.. i just hope to be a part of it when that time comes.. but i also know that my Sons prioriteis will lay to his wife and children and not me and i would never try to change that ..

Answer 5

Oh your story is so familiar. I have been married for 3yrs. After the birth of our now 1yr old son, my husband's mother started verbally attacking me and my parental skills (on numerous occasions) while trying to give me unrequested parental advice (a major no no). so here is what I did:

I told my husband that I am in no mood to fight over him, not with another girl and most definitely not with his mother.

I have also cut all communication with his mother. This has cut back on a lot of tense, stressful situations.

I told my husband that I do not want our child learning those types of behaviorism's from his mother so she is not to have him unless I am in the same room (and like I said contact is minimal). (Doing this will force her to either stop or cause your husband to deal with the situation.)

I also told my husband that at the alter I proclaimed my love to him and ONLY him; therefore, his mother is his mother and she will always be just that; and that I will not discuss it further unless he is willing to ACTIVELY listen, and not just hear what I have to say.

Well I can say that he and my brother in law had a long talk with their mother, and I don't hear to much from her anymore.

I hope this helps and remember to always do what is best for you.
Your emotions affect your children the most.

Answer 6

Oh but I have been there. I have 3 boys and done what you said this woman is doing to her son. You call this an over protective mom and a mom wanting control and her son. She has never grown out of the stage of being mom and realizing that he is grown now and has his own life apart from mom now. What helped me was that one day my son said mom I am grown now and can handle my own problems. That when I pondered in my heart that he was right and I needed to allow him room to grow.
I realized that he was grown enough to make his own decisions. I also realized that when a man leave mom and dad according to the bible, he should cleave to his wife cause they are one.

Answer 7

Red,

I'm a Ex mama's boy my wife work hard to cut the cord to between my mom and i see i am from a divorce family i grow up with my mom and that all i new .so that how i became a mama boy . but when i met my loving wife it took her 4 year to cut the cord . i remember that day that i stood up to my mom and said that my wife is my life and you do not need to be in it 24hour a day and ever senses then my mom had let it be .. every once and awhile she act up . but i need to put her in her place order for me and my wife to enjoy are life.. so to answer you question .. tell your hubby that he need to put is mom in her place so that she know that there is more then one lady helping out in your hubby's life.. Good Luck and don't give up on you man make him strong and he will fight back..

Answer 8

if shes married you need to talk to your father in law about her behavior and the fact that shes not allowing you to be his wife. If not then id say youre screwed and have to talk to her about it. It will certainly drive a further wedge between you and hubby if not nipped. Its amazing youve put up with 6 yrs of her....good luck. Do something or youll have further tensions with him no question.

Answer 9

the man in the middle--your husband-- is responsible to fix this. You should come first now as the wife. Children come first, too.If he can't let go of mom he needs to go to counseling. If there is any way, move further away from her. If he won't go to counseling you go without him. This woman is ruining her grandchildren's family life. And yes she is jealous. Bless you.

Answer 10

If you want to stick it out, then you have to learn to ignore her and her drama. Act as if she doesn't matter and do whatever you like or want. IE totally disregard her opinions or demands. Make life for her hell. Turn the tables on her.