Should I marry her?

Question

My gf is 30 and I am 27. We've been going out for 8 months now, and things are good at the moment.

We've been through quite a turbulent time almost breaking up over a number of issues over the past few months. We've settled those matters and have kept moving forward.

The thing is, she is 30, and wants me to make a solid commitment towards marriage, or break up, within the next 3-4 months.

I on the other hand, am not sure what to do here. Some points to consider....

1. She is wonderful, we may not have much in common but for some reason or another we are truly in love
2. She is my 1st adult relationship. I've been dating here and there, but my last serious relationship was when I was 19. I cannot help but wonder what else is there out there.
3. Although I am curious about my options (there is no other girl at the moment), I don't want to lose here because once I let her go, I don't think I can get her back.

Anybody can share their life experiences or advice here?

Answer 1

At this age, her being three years older is not a big deal. If it is to be a lifetime commitment, then remember that women typically live 3-5 years longer than men.

You haven't mentioned children or pregnancy in your post.

I would be concerned about an ultimatum, especially 3 or 4 months after 8 months, unless she were currently pregnant. In that case, I would view it as a fear of commitment on your part, and a desire for family on hers, and suggest you marry her. Otherwise, try to find out why she has determined to force an ultimatum. She may just be getting pressure from friends and family, or she may be seeing other options. I did refuse an ultimatum once, and she was married to someone else within the month, but that is just one of my experiences.

Not much in common? Well, sometimes different interests complement each other, and both parties learn to appreciate the others' interests, and it opens new horizons for them to new and enjoyable experiences.

There are a lot of women out there, good, bad and downright scary. At my age, 50, most of the good ones are already unavailable. It has been that way for several years.

It sounds like you are just a little concerned about any change; concerned about commitment and concerned about losing her forever.

Two questions: Can you live with her and love her forever?
Can you live without her forever?

Good Luck to the both of you.

PS: Consider a prenup, just in case.

Answer 2

U sound like ur not too sure that u want to marry and if thats the case u should get into something that ur gonna regret later sweetie.

1.U said that u and she have been together for 8 months( u should have said 8yrs then that would have meant that u and she can handle things because it kept u together for 8yrs.)

2.U said she's ur 1st adult relationship and u can't help but wonder waht else is oput there. That means if u marry u would ALWAYS wonder if u should have aited until u have gotten all the wondering out of ur systems u will see other women out there that u wonder if she could have been the one

3.U said ur curious about ur options& that if u let her go u don't think u can get her back. Well that to me mean that u really do want to see if u are missing out on something( and u might) but if u don't meet another girl who u can have deep feeling for that u will never find anyone and the girl ur with now will be the only one u will ever be with.

Life is about taken chances and if u don't get out and live then u may as well die. She is giving u a time limit to marry her but ur not ready. She needs to know that she shouldn't put this kind of pressure on u because ur don't have those deep feelings of being married ( not right now anyway) because after all u have only been together 8 months and it would be fair to marry when it's a one sided thing.

Marriage only works when two people are ready to handle whatever problems life throws no matter how big the problems are.

She needs to know that ur not ready to take on such a big commiment, because u feel u still have some single living to do and it's not fair u to marry yet. If she loves u and is a underdtanding person she will agree that she does not want to be in a relationship with a person who's not ready.

Good Luck sweetie, I know ur having a hard time dealing with this but it's only fair that u not do something until u r 100% sure

Answer 3

I've been around the block enough to know this for sure; true love does not force the hand of the other person. If she is giving you a deadline, that should be a huge red flag for you.

Now, if you 2 had been dating for 5 years, I might view her ultimatum a bit differently, but here's a statistic I do remember from my marriage and family classes back in college; relationship experts feel that people looking to get married should invest 18 months at least in their relationship, because this seems to be the barrier beyond which you can view how your relationship will look down the road. Less than that, and you cannot know enough to know for sure if this is the person with whom you can make such a commitment.

Also, I think all three of your "points" tell me at the least you're not ready, at the most that this isn't a person you need to think about marrying. Let me take each and comment:

1. It is very possible to have an intense attraction without commonality. Sometimes, just the person being different is enough to get out attention and interest. But compatibility is key to a lasting relationship.
2. If you "can't help but wonder" after 8 months what else is out there, she ain't it.
3. Hanging on to her because you're afraid you'll grow up and be the neighborhood "cat man" who wears a robe and slippers all day and never leaves his house is not a good reason to take the plunge.

Bottom line: Don't do it. Period.

Answer 4

If you are truly in love then what is the problem? Do you feel trapped?

If you haven't had another adult relationship what makes you think you are going to get into another one anytime soon? Do you have an outgoing personality?

If you feel like you would EVER cheat on her, don't marry her. You could bring kids into the situation and make a real mess of your lives.

I guess what you need to do is visualize your life without her. Would you be happier with or without her? If it would bother you to let her go then marry her. If you are indifferent, don't do it. It is a lifelong commitment and if you marry her then get divorced down the road you will both just be wasting time.

You need to be fair to her and really analyze this situation. Once you make up your mind, stick with it.

You say you have had a tumultuous relationship in the past. Have you two really worked out those differences? Or are there just temporary fixes on them? If there are deep seeded issues you should not marry her. They will only explode in the future, and then where will you be?

Do you two follow any kind of religion? Get involved in a couples class. It will help you to communicate better and appreciate the relationship you have together. You need to appreciate each other, cherish the time you spend together, and know that you wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I feel that way about my husband and I know he feels that way about me. We are not particularly religious but we did attend a couples class before we were married and it was really nice and has stuck with me. We are about to have our fifth wedding anniversary...

Anyway, sorry to babble, but hope this helped some...

Answer 5

I had a friend that went through this. He broke up with her. And for the next 2 years he kicked himself for doing it. She quickly moved on and met someone new.

What you should do is figure out exactly what you want. If you don't want to be married right now, you shouldn't be married. However at the same time if you need a little more time to decide if she is it, you need to be enough of an adult to tell her that. What she does with that is out of your control. Make sure you are absolutely sure she's the right person before you buy the ring. If you aren't then you are wasting both her time and yours.

Answer 6

Well, I can't tell you what to do, but I'll tell you what "I" would do. First of all, if you "know" for certain that you love her, I would tell her that you want to wait till you've been together for at least a year and a half before making it permanant. Because not only is that the responsable thing to do, it also gives each of you a chance to get to know each other better, and if it's "true" love, that love will have grown. Also, if it turns out that you
"don't" want to be together after that year and a half, it's better than getting married and "then" finding out that it's not going to work. I also suggest that if you say this to her, you may want to start out by saying," though I know I love you......Because most women are that way. They listen to your wording, and if you just say you want to wait before making that decision, they usually get upset, and nothing else you say seems to matter. Well, good luck whatever you decide to do.

Answer 7

your clock is ticking, your not getting any younger. be happy that you have someone. there are people who would give anything t have what you have.

she is not getting any younger either, and she deserves to be with someone who wants the same things that she does. if you walk away, you may risk being alone for the rest of your life.

do you want to explore your options and risk being alone for the rest of your life...

no one can guarantee that you will find someone else after her. Be happy with what you have. You have more then some people have.

Well if you do not think you can get her back, then its the risk you take.... i understand she wants to settle down. but then on the other hand she is using marriage to keep you.

i have a solution for the both of you......

You need to sit down and tell her you love her, and at the moment you are not ready to commit to marriage. tell her that you should both see other people, and see what happens. And if you both are still in love with each other in a year, the get married.

Answer 8

Let her go. You are not ready to get married. I can see what you have typed and you do not want to get married. You will end up divorced in a few years. Go see what else there is out there. If it was mean't to be you would know without a doubt. You have issues and this will make you unhappy. There is the right one there for you when the time is right for both of you. Move on

Answer 9

Read your own post as if it were from someone else. It should give you an idea of how to help yourself. You may not want to lose this girl, but also admit to not having much in common. The fact that you even have to ask this question of strangers states that at this time you are not ready to marry this girl. When you can say to yourself that unless I marry her I will never be able to breathe again, that is when you should marry her.

Answer 10

I believe you should wait. When you find the one 4 u, u stop wondering what else is out there, trust me. Also, I dont think you have have been together long enough. You should try living together maybe to see how you real 'married' life would be like and whether you guys get along. She is pressuring u into marriage, you shouldnt appreciate that from her...