What can I say or do? What would you say or do?

Question

Earlier this year my wife had to have a hysterectomy for medical reasons. This November will be our 10th anniversary and we do not have any children, all though we have been trying for nearly 10 years. She gets really upset and depressed at times which is understandable, but in those times of depression she gets upset at me because in her mind I could find another woman who can have children and she is afraid I would leave her. I try to reassure her and tell her I love her and made a commitment, for better or worse, and would never leave her. However, it is really getting old that she keeps throwing this in my face. Right now we are planning on buying a home by next February so we can become foster parents and adopt a child or children. What else can I say or do to make her understand that I love her and would never leave her, even though she cannot have children?

Answer 1

Tell her the truth. That you too are dissapointed that natural kids are not in your future. But that you didn't marry her to make babies. You married her because you love her and knew she would make a great mama if that time came. Get serious about foster care. There are so many children who have no one to love them. Why would it matter if the kids came from you two or someone else? I suspect that she is just dying to take care of a child and knowing she can't have any just kills her. A mothers instinct is something you are born with. Some woman have 8 children and don't have it, some have none and mother everyone elses. Make sure that foster care is something that she wants. Tell her that if you have none, that's fine too. Also, have her talk to her doctor about these feelings. Many times, a life changing event like a hysterectomy can trigger depression. Especially if her ovaries went as well.

Answer 2

I can understand why she would be depresssed. Fostering and or adopting children is a great choice! There are so many children out there who need the love and support of a family.
As for her comments about you leaving her for someone else who is able to bear children.. that is hard. You could remind her that hey... Im still here arent I? I said I wasnt leaving... another thing you could maybe do it get a vasectomy, it seems useless since you are unable to get her pregnant but in a way it would show her that you 2 are in the same boat.
Those are just off the top of my head suggestions. As for her going off about you finding some fertile woman and fathering tonnes of babies ..maybe she is just feeling inadequate and needs more reassusrance or another hug y'know?
I think that once you guys adopt or foster some children she might feel better.
If things dont change though I would suggest that she and you as well seek out some kind of councelling.
Good luck.

Answer 3

She's feeling guilty because she can't have kids so she's taking it out on you. She needs counseling. You're doing the right thing by trying to reassure her that you're not going anywhere and that you love her, but she still needs help dealing with that grief. You might try suggesting family counseling. Both of you go, both of you talk about your feelings, and hopefully you can get past this. There is no shame in seeking help. And kudos to you both for adopting or becoming foster parents. I think that in a few years after this baby is a bit older (he's not due until January) I'd like to be a foster parent or adopt. Good luck to you! =)

Answer 4

We women are prone to be irrational about stuff like this. If I was in her shoes nothing you could say or do would releave me of the guilt I feel for not be able to get pregnant...nothing. It is after all she that has a problem and not you. But don't dispair because it will pass. Just be patient. The move will help. Becoming a foster parent, adopting, will help. For now she just needs you to be patient. If all else fails tell her that if she wants that you could have a vasectomy....that would be a sure sign that it is only she that you want in your life. Good luck and remember this too shall pass.

Answer 5

Sounds like she hasn't had enough time to heal. Earlier this year is really not that long ago. It took me 2 years to emotionally recover from having a miscarriage. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to have to have a hysterectomy when you're still young. You are sweet to be concerned but really you need to be there for her as long as she needs you to. BUT - in the meantime, I recommend that she get counseling. She needs to talk these feelings out with someone that can really help her. It's too much for you to have to handle on your own. And it's really hard to know what to say to a woman who is irrational.

Best of luck to you both! My heart goes out to you.

Answer 6

Keep it up buddy. Just remember: Actions speak louder than words. Stick it out, and continue to reassure her. In the same breath, let her know how it makes you feel when she throws leaving her in your face. Tell her how that is pushing you away more than the fact that she can't have kids, and she should stop doing that to the both of you. Good luck on your endeavor.

Answer 7

What scares me about your question is your use of the phrase "for better or worse." You and your wife can have a wonderful life together without children, and she just needs to know (again and again -- never stop telling her) that she means the world to you just by being her, not because she can or cannot have babies or for anything she may or may not ever do as a mother.

Answer 8

It sounds like she is just very depressed. I don't blame her after undergoing such a drastic procedure. It sounds like you are doing all you can do to be supportive, but when someone is depressed, their brain doesn't function normally to understand that. I really think she would benefit from therapy and medication. It would drastically improve her quality of life so she can focus on your bright future together. Best of luck to you both.

Answer 9

I think you are doing all that you can. i do not know your wife's age, but she could beginning to go through the change and they do have emotional problems when that happens. She is probably having some Chemical imbalances that could very well affect her emotional state. Just keep reassuring her and ride it out. If you don't have any pets maybe you should have something lovable.

Answer 10

Maybe its time for her to seek counseling. She's yelling at you because she can't yell at herself. She feels sad and guilty. I understand how both of you are feeling.

Tell her everything happens for a reason.

Good luck to you!

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