Daycare turning into heartache...?

Question

My daughter has been going to daycare for about 2.5 months now and has been great! I've been doing the crappy shifts at work so when I drop her off I don't see her again until the next morning. (she's in bed when I get home after work) Everything was fine for her until last week, I dropped her off Monday, no problems but ever since she's been crying when I drop her off. Just carring her upt the steps to daycare I can feel her body tense up and she starts to freak. She is 14 months old. Is she starting tom realize "time" and knows she wont see her mommy for a long time or do you think it has more to do with how she has been treated at daycare. Just breaks my heart to see her so upset when I leave, I have a good bawl too. (I don't let my daughter see me tho)
Any suggestions or tips???????

I have spoken to the caregiver about this. She says I have been very lucky so far. Most kids/babies make fusses right from day one but my daughter has been great until last week. She also says that it doesn't last too long, 10mins-1/2hr. but her mood is set for the rest of the day. Cranky, doesn't want to play, eat, go for a walk or take a nap.When I get home, the hubby tells me she was fine, in a good mood.

Is it a good idea to make unexspected visits? Wont that make it harder on my daughter to have to say goodbye again??
Sorry about adding stuff but I just had to ask that question....

Answer 1

Ahhh! The beginning phase of separation anxiety, when mommy leaves I don’t go with her. Also, your schedule has changed and she’s not seeing you as much. Change is very hard on children. Please don’t let others scare you that something must be going on for her to be behaving this way. She is behaving this way because her routine has changed. I’m sure you spent a lot of effort researching a good daycare. You will know in your gut if something is not right.

Though she’s young, she is picking up on your anxiety and feeling it herself. Know that she is in good hands, and she will be fine. If you stop feeling anxious, she will too.

Instead of carrying her, hold her hand and let her walk in. It will be much easier for her to let go if she isn’t in your arms. Make it a quick good-bye. The longer the good-bye the more anxious she will feel.

Give her something to look forward to when she sees you next. You can leave her with something you need the next time she sees you or give her an idea of what you will do with her when you see her in the morning.

Yes! Make an unexpected visit. Try and do so without her seeing you. You could also go a bit early and play with her for some time when you can take her home with you. Make sure you speak with her daycare providers so she can see that you two are “friends.” It will comfort her to know that you like the people who care for her. Hope this helps! Best of luck to you!

Answer 2

As a daycare teacher and a mother, I know how hard it is on the parents to not know for sure what is going on at a daycare. She might be going through separation anxiety. She's beginning to know that when you leave you are somewhere else and you are not taking her. In my experience there are some kids who will dramatize the situation making the mother or father think that something is wrong when there isn't. I would suggest some un-announced visits but only peek in at her while she's not watching and even when the teacher is not aware. That way you can see how the teacher acts when you are not around. There should be windows to the classroom so you can do this but if not, hang outside the door and listen to see if she's crying, how long, and if the caregiver does anything. She also has been there enough to the point where she might be bored with it. I've had this happen with many kids. They start off loving it then after about a month they start crying when they get dropped off. Also ask if there are any bullyies in the room that she may be afraid of. If she's getting beat up on by the other kids, she definately won't want to be there. If you have anymore questions please feel free to e-mail me. I've had 8 years experience in a daycare.

Answer 3

I can tell you from being in childcare that the daycare workers feel bad too. It does break your heart to see kids so upset. I would speak to her teachers, and to the director of the facility. See what they say. Sometimes you have a kid who just cries for a couple minutes then they'll be fine. Other kids cry for a little while, but then they still enjoy their day. Most kids really only cry for a minute or two until they know mom is really gone, and then they go about their day happily. A good option is to try to sponaiously stop by for a visit. See how she's being treated when you come in. If you're still having concerns contact your local Child Care Resource and Refferal. It's a government run service, and they can tell you if that daycare has good remarks, and if they don't they could suggest a different daycare, or another daycare option. I know that nanny-sharing is an option most people don't consider. It costs about the same, and your child will be in their own home, or the home of the other family. Either way they'll have more individual attention. Hey who knows, myabe the nanny could give her a late afternoon nap so she'll be up for a little while when you get home. You are obviously a good mother, concerned for your child. Please don't let ANYONE try to make you feel bad for your decision. As a child-care worker for more than 10 years, kids in daycare grow-up fine, with no complexes about not being cared for by mom. I think that you made it through the first year, and that's the most vital time period. At this point she needs plenty of stimulation to learn, and she's getting that at daycare. Truly, some people just don't appriciate the fact that you have to put food on the table, and diapers and clothes on your child. I'm happy to see a parent actually concerned for their child, I run into so many parents who seem to have children merely for the tax write-off.

Answer 4

I've been a stay at home mother for almost 5 years now...and recently went back to work. My daughter was the same...fine the first week, couldn't wait to play w/ all the toys, etc. Then the second week...sort of indifferent, then by week 3 she was crying and verbalizing how she didn't want to go. I cut back my hours and that worked. I realized she was going from 100% mommy's care to 80% daycare...and it's just too much of a shock. I'm planning to slowly add 30 minutes increments until I finally make it totally to a full 8 hour shift. Right now I'm at 5.5 hours, I'll go to 6 hours for a month, then 6.5 hours for a month and so on. Maybe that would help. Other than that, be strong and don't linger in the mornings. Say goodbye once, kiss once, say "I love you, have a good day, play with your friends!" and walk away. You're doing right by crying in the car. It's hard...very hard emotionally. I'm definitely not an expert, just repeating what I've read. Hope that helps!

Answer 5

Unexpected visits are ALWAYS a good idea. Even if you think you have the best sitter in the whole world I suggest popping in at least once a week for the first month and then once a month after that.
If you can get an afternoon off just pick the baby up a couple of hours early without calling first then you don't have to worry about the baby crying when you leave.
Or, drop the baby off run some errands and stop back an hour later. If she is still upset take her home and look for a new daycare situation.
She is probably fine and just going through seperation issues but do not take any chances.
If you ever find a sitter who does not allow you to show up unannounced do not leave your child there.

Answer 6

This is a tough situation. I honestly don't think that it is a day care problem. If you want, take sneek peeks at different times- but don't let her see you. This way you can see what is going on in day care but I really think it will be to hard for her to say good- bye again. I am a stay at home mom and money is a problem but I am not as strong as you are to not see my baby until the next morning. It is true that most kids cry in the begining then get over it, but I think that she misses her mommy. Maybe you can arrage to have a nanny at home because then she can feel you more in her own surroundings. Can you try working a different shift or not working at all? I don't usually advise taking the child out of school because then they think they cry and get what they want. This seems a little different because she doesn't see you for so long. I know times are rough right now with money. Try and see if you can cut back on any finances and work less. Your daughter is little only once- let your heart lead you.

Answer 7

I'll bet once she's distracted by the other kids, she does OK. I would ask your daycare provider how she does after you leave. She is trying to make you make a big fuss over her, and to make you stay because she LOVES YOU SO MUCH : ), not for any other sinister reason most likely. Keep perservering if she is enjoying it after you leave, and if you are confident in your choice of provider. This is a phase that WILL pass (even tho it feels horrible to leave a crying baby!!) Talking from experience, a bit of separation anxiety is perfectly normal. If you are consistent in the routine of leave-taking, it will be ok in the end.

You might try to establish a routine of leave-taking by thinking it through ahead of time and practicing it every day. "Here is your doll that you love. She will be here all day with you. Daddy will see you at 5:00 to pick you up. I love you and I will be thinking of you all day when I am at work. I'll see you in the morning for breakfast. Would you like mommy or daddy to get you up in the morning? Here is a hug, and a big kiss. Can you hug me goodbye too? What a good girl!! Bye bye"

You are wise not to let her see you upset, good for you!! Take your leave fairly quickly, and don't linger or let her catch you watching, or you'll have other problems!!

If you are concerned that there is something wrong happening at the daycare causing her behaviour, first establish if she is crying for very long after you leave. If you ask this question it will give you a good indicator if it is behaviour (normal) or trauma (a good reason NOT to have her there). If you or someone close to you is able to, have them drop in unannounced to the daycare periodically. If they have no warning, you will be able to judge if there is something inappropriate happening that is causing the behaviour.

Best wishes!!

Answer 8

Can you try to get on a different shift so that you see your daughter more? I know sometimes it is hard but the time spent away from your daughter you can never get back. They grow up so fast. It's tough when you need the income and have to leave them. Maybe a different job. Sometimes it is worth a little sacrifice in pay just to be more involved with your children.

Can you or a family member make some unexpected visits to the daycare fo see how things are going?

It is normal for a child that age to have separation anxiety and cry when left with even the best of caregivers. Some will cry only until you are out of earshot, and some will cry for hours. Read the signals your child gives, trust your instincts.

It is hard for someone who hasn't seen the environment to make speculations about the quality of the care she is receiving.

Answer 9

I worked at a day care center and saw this a lot.
Some of it's her age. Kids go through phases of clingyness and independence and she is right on target for the cling. It's not uncommon for kids who were previously comfortable to start pitching fits, sometimes in the middle of the school year, after months of accepting the routine.
I always thought it was sort of like being sick of your job. You know you have to go, but you really want to stay in bed where it's warm. Kids don't feel the need to "take one for the team" like adults know they have to. They (rightly) get to throw tantrums.
That being said, ask lots of questions at the daycare. Has anything changed? Has someone left (very traumatic for little kids) or a new hire? Did they change the rooms around, paint, or do landscaping? Random changes can cause the reaction you are describing.
Drop in unexpectedly. I know it's hard when you are working, but it's worth it. If something is going on, they cover it up when they know parents are expected. If you suddenly drop in, you might catch something that makes you say "HUM?"
There would be other signs that she is being abused. Unexpained uncrease in bruises, inconsistent with the story on how she got them. Her private parts would show physical injury, or she would strongly object to being changed. She would start fighting you tooth and nail when you went to change or bathe her. She would regress in other areas. Suddenly quit talking or walking, stop feeding herself, or stop and sleeping eating normally.
If she has any of these symptoms get to a doctor immediately. They can advise you on how to procede.
So, what to do?
Let her walk into the center. This gives confidence and sends a message that she is in "her place".
Sing a silly good bye song and have a routine. Everytime you drop her off, do the exact same things, put her things away, talk to the teachers, sing the song, kiss her good bye and leave. If you cry and get upset, or even pay attention to her crying, you are re-inforcing the behavior and she will continue to get worse instead of better. Don't linger and cling. When you say good-bye, leave. Don't come back, don't watch from the window, leave. If she sees you the whole drama starts over. Talk to her teachers, I bet you anything the minute you are out of sight, she is fine.
I hope this helps.
Good Luck.

Answer 10

Ask the teachers how she is doing during the day. Kids are VERY smart, they know how to work you. She is probably fine a few minutes after you leave.
I know it is heartbreaking, but she is at that age where she realizes that daycare is not home, and her teachers are not mommy. She understands that you are going to be gone for a while! This is compleatly NORMAL for that age! Talk to some of the other parents, they will probably tell you simaler stories of scream fests in the morning.
When you should worry: If you childs home behavior changes, if she is sullen or withdrawn or any other major changes could be a sign of trouble at daycare. If everything is fine other than those few minutes in the morning, she is probably just figuring out that she isn't going to see you for a while.
Don't worry too much, this should end soon.