her mom and i are seperated and i have been paying childsupport for 14yrs and treat her as my daughter. her real father has thrown his life away to drugs. my dad says i am being unfair to her by not telling her the truth. i never thought of it that way. i just wanted to protect her. do i tell her or not, and if i did how would i do it. i don't want to hurt her, and i am afraid she will hate me. i don't want to lose her.
2006-09-24 00:22:42 · 28 answers · asked by jesse james 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
she is 14 yrs old
2006-09-24 00:30:10 · update #1
i can understand the negitive reactions, but i was 19 at the time and it seemed like the rt thing to do. i never got a book on the rules on raising a child
2006-09-24 00:34:37 · update #2
well i am adopted, so i could help you out with this one. i knew from the very get go, ever since i was about three. thinking on it now i do think if they would have held off on telling me i would be a little upset, but YOU have loved her and YOU have been there for her just like she was your biological child. it is best to tell her when YOU think she can handle the truth, and not act to rational. you should tell her before she does turn 18 though because if you dont and you wait she will probably take out the fact that she is 18 and can do what ever she wants, she could move out and you may never see her again.so yes please tell her. when she and you are both ready.
2006-09-24 01:00:10 · answer #1 · answered by Linds 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You AND your wife need to sit her down & tell her. Just tell her that you & her mom did what you felt was best for her at the time. Tell her the truth. Explain that her biological father wasn't ready to be a father & that he has drug issues. TELL HER SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN YOUR DAUGHTER & ALWAYS WILL BE. And admit to her that you should have told her sooner, but you were so afraid she would be hurt.
I'm 39, & I found out when I was 28 that my daddy wasn't my real dad. I had a feeling about it, but was too scared to ask my mom. I asked my grandma & a aunt about it & they told me to ask my parents. I could tell by the look on their faces that I was right. I looked nothing like my dad & I was born exactly 1 month after they were married (saw the date on the marriage licsense 1 time). Also, my grandmother was making a quilt 1 time with all of her 10 children's & their spouse's name & wedding anniversary on it. I saw it 1 day & told my grandma that the yr should be 1966, not 1965 for my parents. She told me that my mom had asked her to put 1965 on it. I knew then something was up. Turns out my biological dad is a joke, jerk, & has been married many times & has many children. Mom told me his name & where he was from & I met him & tried to have a relationship with him, but he didn't care about me. I am close to 1 half sister that is only 15 months older than me. I have nothing to do him tho. My mom would have never told me if I hadn't figured it out. In a way, I wish I hadn't. I remember other red flags during my teen yrs.
I guess it's best to be honest & tell her. To me, my dad that raised me is my real dad. That what really counts. I love him even more now. He loved & treated me just like his own all my life.
I wish you the best. Email me any time.
Also, out of my deepest respect for my dad, I have chosen to keep this a secret between my parents & my husband. There is no reason for anyone else to know.
2006-09-24 08:03:30 · answer #2 · answered by lisakay_tx 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Discuss this with your daughter's mother so that the two of you can tell her together when you feel the time is right. Yes, the child should know the truth but timing is very important. By the way, it seems to me that you are her father because you have been doing what a real father does. A man who is unavailable to his child is only a seed donor, so give yourself a lot of credit for loving her and for just "being there".
2006-09-24 07:34:17 · answer #3 · answered by Bethany 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Billy, I am a single mom of three, Thank God they are all mine and they know who their dad is but in your case this little girl has always known you as her dad. She looks up to you, and respect you, and loves you like no other. She at this point tells everyone you are her dad, she is at that age where she needs that sercurity of knowing that you are her dad. The years left to come are going to be filled with questions that maybe she will only come to you for because she in her mind knows you are her dad. At her age and just starting High school, I wouldn't tell her just yet. She needs you now more than ever, no need to throw more wood on the fire! I would wait to tell her when I knew she could handle it and didn't have pressure of school on her and having to tell all her friends that you are not her dad! I would wait, I think her grades would go way down and her life would change forever. There will be a time to tell her and you won't have to ask you will know! I wish you all the luck in the world, and I want to say you are wonderful man for taking this girl and making her yours when no one else would, it takes a real man to do that!
Always Amy
2006-09-24 07:36:44 · answer #4 · answered by heart2heart27958 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wait till she's 18 to tell her. Or maybe when she's even older than that if you really can wait.
Some things are better kept as secrets. But, if there's any chance that she's gonna find the truth out anyway, then it would be good if you did disclose it to her yourself. But wait until she's at least 18.
2006-09-24 07:26:40 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If it is not going to do any good to her . Just keep the secret . Whats the fun telling her and hurting her.
God always forgives and snatches memories of the past life.
U r her God. Father's are like God so do the right thing.
God bless u
2006-09-24 07:41:23 · answer #6 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with free_ange, your the one whose been there for her and she will always love YOU for that. But she needs to know the truth and only you can know when she is able to handle that. My mum wouldn't tell me about my real dad and now i'll never know. There's a hugh void in my life because of it. If you daughter finds out the truth when your not able to tell her....
2006-09-24 07:36:21 · answer #7 · answered by hollymichal 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
every child has the right to know their biological parents. actually kids tend to get more angry if you hid the truth from them. hasn't her mother told her anything yet? anyways, my kid's father is same as hers, i wouldn't tell her too. first of all, it's her mother's job to tell her the truth. talk to the mother first. i admire you for loving a child who isn't yours all these years. but even if the kid would know the truth, she's not going to get mad at you. if she is a nice, decent girl, she would feel more proud of you coz you raised her as your own. unlike her natural father who left her for drugs. but my only advise is never talk to her without the permission of the mother. although you have raised her, brought her up, her mother might still be offended if you made a decision on your own.
2006-09-24 09:15:50 · answer #8 · answered by kevkatz 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
U should tell her by any means, she has every right to know, and that news cant come as anything else but shock followed by complete emotional mess. B patient if u've been good parent to her she'll come around after the storm.
2006-09-24 07:29:39 · answer #9 · answered by leed 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Say nothing that is up to her mother to tell if she is like your own daughter in your heart than she is no matter who donated the sperm. Take it from me I never knew who my father was I love the man that raised me as his own and to this day call him dad.
2006-09-24 07:34:03 · answer #10 · answered by Joseph J 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋