How do you correct another persons child?

Question

At our game today, a 7 year old apparently called my 8 eight old stupid. I didn't hear it, but I did hear my 8 year old say "your stupid". I immediately took her by the arm out of cheerleading formation and had her sit down. She swears that she didn't say it first and that the other little girl lied (the other little girl's Mom was sitting right next to us and we are both cheer coaches). I told my little girl that I did not hear her say that and even if she did, that she should not have called her stupid back.

We spend 45 minutes on the ride home from the game arguing about why the 7 year old did not get in trouble and why she did.

I can't really approach this mother, but I know that my daughter is not a liar. She can be antagonistic, but she doesn't lie. What should I do....or should I just drop it?

Answer 1

Great question. I'm sorry that you had to live the situation to be able to ask it, however. First off, be careful with statements like "I know my daughter is not a liar." Kids fib. Most every child (and every adult) from ages 2 on up has told or will tell a lie. I would also urge caution on the arguing with your child thing. You are the adult, she is the child...you are the authority. There should never be an argument. She does as you request - immediately with no questions asked. I do heartily applaud you for being involved with you daughter and her activities. It's a great time for sharing and bonding. I also agree with some of the other responders that the great majority of childhood spats (non-physical) should be left for the children to resolve between and among themselves. They will need to learn conflict resolution skills and our jumping knee deep into every spat they have doesn't give them the opportinity to learn this. I do believe that "it takes a village" to raise a child. In that light it is appropriate to offer on-the-spot corections to other people's children. I would expect that an adult stop immediately any act he/she sees my child that could result in injury or death. To simply say that you should worry about only your child is incorrect and unsafe. If my child was playing with a knife, playing with fire, or crossing a street unsupervised, I expect a neighbor to step in and correct the situation. I most certainly would if it were their kid. If they want to sue me because I told someone's kid to stop playing on the top row of the bleachers at a kid's baseball game (and I have) ...then sue me! By the way, I've been thanked al lot, but never sued - or even yelled at.
Take a look at books by Dr John Rosemond. I have three of them and they're great! He also does a syndicated weekly column that runs in most major newspapers.

Answer 2

All you can really do is teach you child to behave according to your family values. What will happen when you daughter is older, say in middle school, when words get much worse and you won't be there? She has to know how she needs to respond herself, and so this time you have taught her to do the right thing regardless of how wrong the other party was. Your job is done and now she will have this to refer to should this happen again. She will either agree with you and do as you have taught, or make her own choice and call someone a name back.

btw - I would have asked my daughter about it in private. I would not have disciplined her in front of everyone like that. She was just defending herself - and you can't blame her for doing that. You just have to teach her appropriate ways of doing so.

Answer 3

You can't correct another woman's child ,but you can stand up for your daughter. Let her know you understand how frustrated she was, but the right thing is to be the bigger person.
really, though, it's OK to also let her fight it out, and you step in only if it gets out of hand. it's a survival skill she'll need for times when you aren't around.
I told my daughter, right in front of another girl and her mom ,that it's OK to be mad, but do not lower yourself like she just did.(the other girl teased my daughter about sucking her thumb, and my daughter was frustrated) That this girl probably was picking on her because she has her own issues at home.
That went over well!!
I later told my daughter that it's OK if she needs to suck her thumb, but sometimes she's going to come across situations like this, and needs to be prepared to deal with them if she continues to suck her thumb.
By the way, it's OK to wait until the two of you are alone until you scold her or talk about what happened. Why embarrass her? To show the other moms that you pay attention??
Worry about you and your daughter, not anyone else. She needs an Alli, not an opponent

Answer 4

some parents think their kids can do no wrong. if you think your daughter's telling the truth , let her know you believe her but what she did was wrong and that 2 wrongs dont make a right. tell her that some parents make mistakes in judgement and because they didnt see it or hear it didnt happen that way as for the other mother she should have had a talk to her daughter and solved the problem as you did. keep it up its refreshing hearing that a parent still instills values in their chikdren

Answer 5

It's no big deal unless it happens again. You already dealt with it.

In the future, if you should actually happen to hear another child say something they shouldn't, you are allowed to correct them by perhaps smiling or neutrally looking at them and saying, "Why would you say that?" Then move on to something else, no fussing. Unless they're brought up to be hellions or unconcerned for others, they will watch their words next time.

Answer 6

Then I wouldn't invite the 7 year old over again, especially if she is going to be name calling every time. If she continue's make a list of rules and give it to the kid's parents so they know what to expect each time they come over.

Answer 7

When I was a kid, it was pretty-well accepted that ANY adult could discipline you. If the discipline was within reaso, nobody bitched about it. One of the problems we face today is there are too many parents who refuse to consider the fact that their kids might be behaving like little monsters. "Oh, my kid would never do anything LIKE THAT! I'll have to sue you if you keep saying that he did!"
Granted, you didn't actually hear the other kid say anything, so that makes it tough to say. But, don't be so quick to assume your own child never lies.
All kids lie, if they feel that doing so will keep them out of trouble.

Answer 8

Explain to her that she was the one whom you caught - and therefore she deserved the punishment. It is the other child's parent who is responsible for correcting her bad behaviour. If you feel that approaching her would cause possible hard feelings - then I would drop it. Pick and choose your battles carefully.

Kudos to stepping in and insisting your daughter treat others with respect. I would have done the same.

Answer 9

EXPLAIN TO YOUR DAUGHTER THAT YOU LOVE HER AND ASSURE HER THAT YOU KNOW SHE WAS NOT LYING.
YOU ARE CORRECT IN TELLING HER THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT WAS SAID TO HER FIRST SHE HAD NO RIGHT TO
RESPOND IN THE SAME WAY.
TELL YOU THAT SHE MIGHT ENCOUNTER THESE ACTIONS EVEN WHEN SHE IS AN ADULT, TURN AND WALK AWAY.
TELL HER SHE GOT IN TROUBLE BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT HER AND ARE TRYING TO TEACH HER THE RIGHT WAY TO BEHAVE. YOU CHOSE TO PARENT AND THE OTHER CHILD'S PARENT CHOSE NOT TO. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT THE OTHER PARENT DID OR DID NOT DO.
SOME PARENTS ARE IN SUCH DENIAL ABOUT THERE CHILDREN'S BEHAVIOR, THIS IS ONE REASON THE JOB OF THE SCHOOLS IS SO DIFFICULT, NO PARENT SUPPORT.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING AND FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
GOOD MOVE.

Answer 10

You can't correct another child - your own child's behaviour is all that matters - do this by reasoning with her (but not lecturing), not arguing, because then you're just teaching her to be "antagonistic". Teach her to deal with situations like this herself, so that you don't need to intervene.
Role playing it at home is a good way to learn, but make it fun!