My boyfriend & I have been dating for almost 2 years. I am 30 and he's 28. I have 2 children from a previous relationship. He's a great guy. Dilema - he has a passion to fly & the easiest way to obtain his commercial pilot's licence (& cheapest) is to join the air force. He first must obtain a university degree which will take 3 1/2 years. Then he must train with the air force for 2 yrs. Then he will owe them 7 yrs of service. I am willing to wait for him but he would like to start a family once he has completed all his schooling & training (possibly 6 yrs). I have told him that I do not wish to start having children again in another 6 yrs as my own children will be nearing graduation by then. I would marry him now & start a family but financially that's not possible while he's going to school nor does he have time right now to focus on a family. So either I agree to wait for him for 6 yrs & provide him with a family or we go our separate ways. Need help fast!
2006-09-23 12:46:57 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I have told him that either he chooses between his career and dream to fly or he chooses having a family. Either which way I am willing to wait for him or have a family, but I will not do both. I do not wish to start having another family @ 36+ years old. I would like to start one now if he so chooses. If not, I can live with that. But he does not want to give up on either. We will be discussing this issue further tonight and may possibly be breaking up. Am I being fair?
2006-09-23 12:49:34 · update #1
There is no question in my mind whether or not I love him. He's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I spent 5 yrs alone & single after my last relationship doing much needed soul-searching. This is the first man I have ever introduced to my children since their father. I have invested all my heart and love to this man. I know he loves me too, but not enough to give up what he wants in life. I do not want to make him choose, but....
2006-09-23 13:13:41 · update #2
Let him go. If he wants to fly, tthen he's going about it the hard way.
2006-09-23 12:50:21 · answer #1 · answered by "Doc"Mike 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
W O W
That is a very difficult situation.
I am thankful that I have not ever been faced with such a situation. I've had my share of other problems, as we all have, but I've been spared this one.
My logical male mind tell me that you actually have only two choices; you stated them yourself (stay or go essentially), neither of which is to the liking of you both at the same time.
A family is an enormous life-changing situation; not that you don't know that, just presenting my case is all.
A career which seems to be a very strong desire to your boyfriend, is also a very meaningful thing to a person. It can often be the identity with which someone sees as part of who they are. Not having that or being 'robbed' of it in some way can be devastating (that's one I was faced with myself years ago ---- not fun). Anyway, you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Sorry for the reference/cliché, but it so totally applies.
If he is not willing to compromise in some way it limits you even more. It forces the whole burden on you, which really isn't fair, but sometimes these things happen without our realizing it....but....I realize it, and you probably do too.
If the burden lies totally with you, then you have to do some soul-searching and see how far you are willing to compromise. Once you find that 'line', then, and only then, will you be able to make your decision....hard as it may be.
Is it impossible to start your family in say 4 years and then you'd only have 2 yrs to go before he 'made it' to where he feels he needs to be? Can you survive those 2 yrs? Is that a compromise? Is it possible?
Is he not able to pursue this career in any other way? I take it it's not, but am asking again to verify.
As painful as it is, you may have to let him go, and go on with your life sweety. The pain of this loss may be less than all the unknowns and expense and so on if you stayed and compromised.
Emotionally speaking, you value you him and your relationship. I can feel it, and I know how that feels from my own experiences too. It's hard to voluntarily just release someone from your life that you love and are use to and have grown with, particularly when there really isn't anything otherwise wrong with your relationship except this one thing. It must be frustrating for you. It would be for me. Again....I've been there too. It's tough, and I cannot counsel you as to which you must do. You will need to search your heart, and his too I guess, and decide where the lesser of all the losses will be for whichever decision you feel you have available to you.
Spiritually.....I don't know how you feel about God and I have no intentions pf preaching to you, but I look at it as tho, if this cannot work out for you, then it was not meant to be for you; either of you, and as such, there IS someone better for you....waiting...when you are ready, and at that time you will meet this person, and everything will effortlessly fall into place. If you pray, and talk to the Lord then you know this to be so, and if you don't, maybe you can try talking to Him and see what happens. You never know. :)
Either way, I wish I had some magic answer that would solve this for you, but I can't, no one can. I know I have not helped you. I feel bad about that, but I do hope that someone can say something that does somehow.
I wish you all the best tho, and truly hope you find your peace in this. Be well sweety.
2006-09-23 20:19:42 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
hun your right you do not need to be starting over, at that age having Children again, you said you done have kids hun what must be going thru your mind I know full well! i had the same decision to make 4 years agoi coudent be selfish and try holding on to her, and killing the dream she always had. so i let her Go! she has a career now and a family, i have a new family i woudent take for nothing myself,looking back at times i sit and wunder what if, but the way life is today, and life being so short, i didn't want to take that chance.good luck hun no matter what you two decide tonight, today the way things are is so fast pacced theres not enough of oneanother to satisfy even one!
2006-09-23 20:06:03 · answer #3 · answered by rpoker 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know how you feel having kids at the age of 36 years old will be hard. It is not fair of him to ask you to wait to have kids while he chases his dream. What if for some reason he does not get to fly? What if in that 6 year time he falls in love for some one else. What if you do. Nothing is promised. you already said that he does not have time to focus on a family. Do you really have 6 years to wait?
2006-09-23 19:55:51 · answer #4 · answered by mstweety123 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have basically done all that you can do. You have let him know where you stand on the issues that face your relationship. Sit down and talk to him about it but you are going to have to let him fulfill his dreams no matter what they are, and if you dont then your relationship may not last much longer. If he feels like you are holding him back from something that he really wants he may end up hating you for it.
2006-09-23 19:57:47 · answer #5 · answered by dollie480 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is not a question of being fair or not. You have decided what you want and told him. Now it is up to him to decide if he can live with your decision. If you can't agree on this issue, then it is best for the two of you to go your separate ways.
2006-09-23 19:53:26 · answer #6 · answered by Gypsy Girl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
only you can make the decision not other people,but we can give you a bit of advice & my only advice is to let him have his dream because later he will be angry with you because you ruined his life so to speak. Also i wouldn't be starting another family that late in life or you may be angry with him.
2006-09-24 01:57:43 · answer #7 · answered by ausblue 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
his career means a lot to him y would u make him choose? and u have 2 kids already y do u need another?
2006-09-23 19:52:42 · answer #8 · answered by ~Niecee~ âË» âË» ♂ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let him go. You may find that he changes his mind after a while. And when he does, and comes back...it will be his idea....and he will respect the fact that you let him go to pursue his dream. If he dosnt change his mind...he wasnt worth it anyway! Move on.
2006-09-23 19:51:10 · answer #9 · answered by rose 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first you should decide ..wheather u want him or not..if u love him u won't think of the other hurdles in between ..and same is with him ..so if u guys want to break just for this reason ..then think again !!!1
2006-09-23 20:07:24 · answer #10 · answered by unknown 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋