we were told that the grooms parents had found a band they liked and had the band send them a contract. They said they wanted to pay for the band. We explaned that we have dreamed of and planned for our daughters wedding since she was born and that we wanted to pay for everything. We asked our future son-in-law to get the contract from his father, so we could sign it. I just found out that my future son-in-law supposedly signed the contract and put a down payment down. I totally feel like this was a slap in the face to our request and we are very very hurt. I would appreciate anyones advice as to how to handle this situation. We will not be able to pretend this didn't happen or hide our feelings. Please help
2006-09-23 09:29:39 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
First of all, before you do or say anything else, talk to your daughter alone, i.e. without her fiance or his family. Ask her if SHE is happy with the choice of band. If she is, then smile and let her know that you are happy for her. Be happy that she is getting what she wants, that you have one less thing to worry about, that you are saving yourself some money, that her fiance and in-laws want to be a part of this day, that she is marrying someone with a mind of his own, and that her in-laws care enough to want to be involved.
Rant and rave to each other at home, talk to friends that won't be at the wedding. Get the anger and hurt out of your system before the big day, otherwise you may ruin your daughter's day that "you've been planning since she was a baby".
This was not meant to be a "slap in the face" to you. They just wanted to book the group before anyone else did. Offer to reimburse them for the cost of the down payment, and cover the final expenses. I'm sure that you will be taken up on your offer. Then find a way to let his parents be involved, maybe with the traditional things that the parents of the groom pay for: rehersal dinner, cost of the groom and groomsmen tuxes, groom and groomsmen boutonnieres, his mother's corsage, officiant's fee, groom's cake, limo service, etc... This day is about him and his family too, not just you and your daughter.
Try to be the better people here. It's that old saying "two wrongs don't make a right." Maybe ignoring your request was not the proper thing to do, but getting upset and showing it isn't any better. Just try to be supportative and understanding to your daughter and her fiance and his family. She has to live with his parents in her life, you don't. I'm sure that you don't want her in-laws making things harder on HER becuse they are resentful of YOUR behavior.
My father and my husband's mother can't stand each other. It makes it hard on us when it's the holidays and other special events. They won't be at the same place at the same time, so we always get stuck having to celebrate things twice just to keep both of them happy, i.e. 2 birthday parties, 2 Thanksgivings, 2 Christmases, etc... Not only is it frustrating and painful, but it gets expensive having to do everything twice. I'm sure that you don't want your daughter to go through the same thing.
2006-09-23 20:11:53 · answer #1 · answered by welches_grape_jelly 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Years ago, when I was growing up, I seem to remember both parents had certain parts of the wedding that they paid for. I don't remember exactly what each side paid for, but I think the groom's parent's paid for the booze, while the bride's parent's paid for the hall and the food, and we can't forget the cake.
The thing is wedding are very expensive and they have gotten only worse over the years. But then, there are those of us like my wife and I, who got married and celebrated in our own way for only $600.
Anyway, the thing that a lot of people seem to forget is the bride and groom. Hell, they even forget themselves and get all stressed out, sometimes to the point where they end up calling off the wedding and breaking up. I know, because I was just recently talking to a woman (offline), who was engaged and they broke up and cancelled the wedding for that very reason. I guess, it's a good thing they found out before hand that they should not be getting married.
If I were you, I would sit down with your spouse, your daughter and her fiancee and his parents, and discuss it. Don't get angry. Try and keep and open mind. Remember, you are not just gaining a son inlaw you are getting an extended family, so the better you can get along with them the better off things will be in the long run.
I think, the idea of paying for 100% of your daughter's wedding was an un-realistic idea. Although, it was a very nice and generous one!
I suggest, you let them help you pay for the wedding as much as they want. If you really want to give your daughter and her new husband a great gift, how about using the money you save to buy savings bonds or some other investments if and when they have kids, so that the kids will have money towards college.
2006-09-23 10:08:42 · answer #2 · answered by JSalakar 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Bride's Mom, hold on just a minute....take a deep breath and calm down just for a minute. Will you please read what you wrote? The groom's family has found a band and they paid for it for your daughter's wedding, and you are mad. A slap in the face? No, honey, they are trying to be part of their son's wedding. Realize that times have changed from when only the bride's family paid for everything. Some brides and grooms pay for their own weddings now. They did not mean to hurt you, I am sure. Honestly they were just trying to help. Now, if they didn't consult the bride at all, that's worth getting upset over.
My daughter just got married in May. We paid for everything at the wedding, because the grooms family held the rehearsal dinner and gave the couple a lovely shower and furniture for their apartment. Would they had offered to pay for anything, I would have accepted with a big smile on my face. They saved you a lot of money, you could use this money elsewhere or give it to the happy couple.
I want you to stop and think just a minute....do you know this can cause trouble for the couple before they even get married. You and this man's family are going to be sharing your kids lives together. Wouldn't you like it to be a friendly relationship. My daughter's mother-in-law get along great, we decided we won't have any problems till the grandbabies come along...then we might have problems, because I am going to be greedy granny.
I just don't you to ruin your's and your's daughter standing with this family over something like this. Is it worth it?
If it really just bothers you so much, call the band, get the price they charged and write the in-laws a check. Put it in a nice card, and say you appreciated that they found a band for the reception, and it was very nice of them to save you the trouble, and you wanted to pay them back. Me, I would just feel blessed that your daughter is marrying a man who's family is so generous, and say thank you. My son has a saying "pick your battles carefully because if you fight over everything you won't have any strength to fight the ones that need fighting" Please just take a few moments to consider their feelings, the groom's and your precious daughter, who's underneath enough stress without Mom dueling with her future family.
God bless us all.............
2006-09-23 12:51:09 · answer #3 · answered by totallylost 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Okay, I'm guessing that in your culture it is very traditional that the bride's family pays for everything. Is the groom and his family of the same culture as yours? If not, that's probably why they didn't understand how important this was to you. However, the contract is signed and the downpayment has been given so there isn't much that you can do about this at this point. One thing I would suggest you keep in mind is that this is just the wedding. Your daughter and future son-in-law have many years of marriage ahead of them and, in the grand scheme of things, who paid for what doesn't matter in the long run. Try to keep this in mind as you go through the planning stages of this wonderful event in your daughter's life. Weddings have a tendency to ruffle other people's feathers and it is rarely necessary. Focus on your daughter and try to make her the happiest bride in the world. The rest will fall into place.
2006-09-23 16:23:14 · answer #4 · answered by Patricia D 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can understand how you are feeling and have been married 4 years with a similar situation between my inlaws and my parents. My suggestion to you would be, to try and focus on the things that you are planning with your daughter...the venue, the dress, the menu, the ceremony, etc.
In order to avoid having them take over something else, maybe assign something to them, like the rehearsal dinner so that they can plan that and make it their own and possibly not continue to interfere in the wedding plans.
The most important thing is to let the band thing slip by, because in the end, this will cause tension in your daughter's marriage. No Mom wants that. (Maybe hire a 3 piece ensemble for the cocktail hour and you will still have a say in the music? Request to have a song list of music you would like played and submit this to the band. Maybe invite them out to dinner one night and go see the band play with them so they feel involved too, and they will not feel like you made it into an issue, but are simply including them.) Good Luck and remember that its about the life commitment and not the party!
2006-09-23 11:36:02 · answer #5 · answered by mmse24 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess I'm miffed about this situation. I would think you would want everyone to be happy (including the soon to be married couple, and his family). What a sad way to start a new married life. Imagine how your daughter must feel. This is a sure way to put a wedge between you and your daughter and YOUR son-in-law. Just possibly the future son-in-law feels that you don't feel he's not good enough to pay his share or way. He could have hurt feelings over the way you are acting by paying for everything! My suggestion, get PAST this. If you want to do something, possibly the kids will allow you to purchase a bedroom set of their choice, or pay for something that they really want but can't afford. You need to think about this thoroughly and make some different choices.
2006-09-23 09:56:13 · answer #6 · answered by HolidayGurl 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It is not a slap in the face to you at all. Whya re you perceiving it that way? This is the groom's family wanting to also be involved (which is their right as much as it is yours). They're volunteering to help with the planning and finances-- that should be met with gracious acceptance, not an argument from you.
Most families have the opposite type of wedding-planning argument, saying that the other side is not contributing enough!
Please just accept it, don't start an argument, it's not worth it. People remember how others behaved during wedding planning for a long, long time and you don't want to be remembered negatively.
Maybe just have a discussion regarding who is volunteering to arrange to reserve and pay for for which items, so you don't accidentally duplicate.
2006-09-24 12:52:56 · answer #7 · answered by Etiquette Gal 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Although this has been your dream since the day your daughter was born, it is their wedding. I'm sure no disrespect was meant, but controlling this very important date for the newlyweds to be is somewhat selfish. Let them do it however they want.
I'm sure you put your generouse offer on the table, but now it is up to the couple to handle this event as they see fit. Perhaps the grooms parents also want a role in this wonderful planning. There is no longer a set of rules on who pays what and how. Go with the flow and ensure the couple enjoys rather than regrets how things went on their wedding day.
2006-09-23 16:58:26 · answer #8 · answered by a_911girl 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am not trying to be funny or rude - but whose wedding is it? Is your daughter and future son in law getting any input into their THEIR wedding day? If not then I think you should put your 'dream' aside and realise that this is their day, one they only are going to enjoy once and I think you should stop fighting about things, sit down with them and tell them to organise their wedding and give you the bill if that's what you still intend to do. They will probably involve you a bit if you take this course of action other than ending up with the wedding of YOUR dreams and your daughter and son in law not even looking forward to the day let alone enjoying the whole thing.
Please - it's their day, get more respect from them if you sit back and wait for the bills. On the same hand, your son in laws parents need to realise all this aswell otherwise you are both going to end up with very upset children and ones who may not involve you in future plans (ie children, houses) and who honestly, if it's this petty may not end up at the altar!!! Good luck with it all.
2006-09-23 10:58:47 · answer #9 · answered by aza 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh for Pete's sake, grow up! So, the other side is paying for a band. Big woo. Now listen up. Your daughter is marrying into another family and the last thing YOU should do is start whining and griping about this band thing. If you do, all hell will break loose and your daughter will be CAUGHT in the middle. She has to LIVE with her future husband and you don't want her to get off to a rocky start, which is what would happen if you go stomping and storming about. Be a MATURE role model for your daughter not some shrewish duo who feels they have been upstaged by the groom or his parents. In other words, act your age and meet with your daughter and her fiance and suggest some places to hold the reception, and all the rest. If you get a hard time, then withdraw your offer to pay for this fantasy wedding you so obviously have your hearts set on.
2006-09-23 09:47:46 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋