He wants our oldest son !!?

Question

I am a mother of 2 awesome little boys ages 3 and 6. I have been seperated from there father for nearly 2 years. I just found out i am expecting another chld and my ex is so mad that he says he's gonna fight to get custody of our oldest son. He doesn't understand that both our children are too young to decide something like this. he wants to comfront the 6 year old tomorrow and ask where he wants to live. When my children are with there father ( 2 weeks a month) and i see them they always ask when can we come home mommy we miss you , so why would he try to do this to our kids. Also last week my son was telling me that his father hit him in the face and left a mark and he told our son if the teacher asks say you fell , if i had my son tell a lawyer this would my chances of gaining complete custody be easier . I don't want to see them being hurt because he's 6 and can't tie his shoes !! this is such a screwed up mess , i love my children and i only want the best for them.

Answer 1

Dear Crissy,

You sound just like I did three years ago when I was in the same position.

First let me reassure you > AT THIS POINT > from the perspective of the courts...(any court)..YOUR SON IS NOT CAPABLE ENOUGH TO MAKE HIS OWN CHOICES.....no matter what your ex says...no matter what he does....or what he wants. You have joint custody / or you have primary custody with him having visitation rights....it varies state to state. The biggest two things that are important for you understand and remember ....I state here. He must first prove you unfit.....(watch your back and what you do at all times)..AND / OR pull out a card called "Parental Alienation". I will list tips below to assist you if this happens.....

Parental Alienation - where one parent claims or accuses the other of putting ideas into the child's head. If someone violates the legal guidelines of it.....it could be grounds to change/alter custody (or who the child lives with). You should seek out resources online and/or through an attorney as well if this happens. Do NOT attempt to battle that on your own. It's complicated, technical, and for those of us that are ignorant about the law....it will hurt us.

I have read just about everything people have posted here to your question. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I am assuming that you two were on reasonable terms prior to him finding out that you were expecting?!? I think that was a trigger point in your relationship with him. He could be doing this for a number of reasons. In a strange way though, just about everybody here has the right idea. If you have not been saving for an attorney....you should seriously think about doing it. I have been dealing with issues such as these since about 2002 with my ex. My ex went to the extreme after getting angry with me to file 75 visitation and custody motions within a years time over our two children. Now he's remarried and my kids are now his wife's business too (she thinks). So believe me when I tell you......you need to protect yourself and your children....and start today.

Let me just start out with these tips:

- Documentation is EVERYTHING .....keep track of dates,times, actions/situations/phone calls that take place...etc...etc every detail that you think is relevent. Take photos of all injures, call the proper authorities..make all necessary reports..Child Services....police....etc. Furthermore, tell your attorney about the situations that occur...he/she will know the right time when to approach the court with it.

- Acting in haste.....which means.....taking immediate actions on things sometimes make the wrong impression. Our instincts are to jump in and stop whatever is going on that very instance. Courts frown on it....don't ask me why....

- Take small steps.....don't make it seem as if your demanding....just politely state what it is you'd like to see happen.

- Don't expect a quick ending to this. I thought when this started out...it would be a couple of months or so. Fact of the matter is ..... I will never part from my children and he knows it....so he pushes and pushes to where I am left with nothing trying to break me down into giving up my children. It's 4 years later.....he just got through pushing me and finally he gave up. I have paid attorney fees for all this time. The boys and I almost ended up to where we were on the street and if I would have let that happen...I would be unfit and my boys would be gone. Just stand your ground and keep fighting for what you want. If you never want to live away from your child.....do what it takes....(extra hours at work)....keep that attorney paid....and don't back down. Visitation is one thing......a guy asking to keep your child with him is another.

Crissy....I am prayin for you and your son. I have been right there with ya. If you need anything....even if it's just to blow off steam....I am here anytime..... [e-mail].

Yahoo ID: mystery46122003

I have documented alot of things that have happened to my boys and my journey through the court system on my blog in case your interested.....

My URL
http://www.myspace.com/mystery46122003

My Blog URL
http://blog.myspace.com/mystery46122003

~ Take Great Care ~

Laurie

PS > keep in touch.....hope all works out my friend

>>>>Comment about the hitting and what to tell the teacher >>DOCUMENT it and keep your records in a safe place.>>

Answer 2

It is rather odd if he is so concerned about their welfare that he would only want custody of the oldest one. It sounds as if the three year old is a little more challenging and he doesn't want to be bothered with a much bigger hassle than the six year old. This says alot.
You need to get a lawyer to handle a divorce and the custodial issues for you. I don't think it is wise to handle something like this yourself. There may be aspects of it you don't understand or angles which you might not think of pursuing yourself.
If your child is being abused to the point where bruises are left when he is at his father's house, he should not be allowed to go over there.
I would not take a threat of this sort idly, even if your ex has a propensity for doing so. Your children come first. They should not be forced into the position of having to choose between Mommy and Daddy, especially at their age. You take the lead in the matter, get a lawyer, file for sole custody and let the court decide who is serving the children's best interests.
Good luck and best wishes

Answer 3

Try to "reason" with your ex... he may still have had feelings about the marriage "going south," and your having a baby by another man is kind of a "possibility" breaker. Who "initiated" the separation? The courts tend to give some weight to the one who was willing to work on the marriage rather than call it quits... even the public tends to view the the initiator of the separation as "the quitter" and thus as the least mature... your unwed pregnancy also may not work in your favor... the courts may view this as a sign of irresponsible or otherwise impulsive behavior. Your bringing charges of "child abuse" against your "ex" may, in fact, "backfire" if he does not have an established "history." Was he an abusive husband and if so, do you have independent character witnesses of the abuse? Emotional abuse is infinitely more difficult to prove/ substantiate than physical abuse, and with physical abuse, it needs to be documented & "authenticated!" There is NOT a lot of background informantion here & I would suggest that you contact a lawyer for an initial consultation... they are usually free and will not charge just to hear your case...
Be sure that there are substantive grounds for action before you proceed or you may be view as "desperate" & "grabbing at straws...." and that wil NOT be to your advantage in a court of law. Also, why hasn't the divorce been finalized? This can be a real detrement to your case if you initiated the separation.

I know this may not be what you want to hear, but it is better that you get the "worst-case" that may rear up against you. Let ne just say that now is NOT the time to act rashly or oppositionally. You need to be seen as "concilliatory" and if possible, mean it! If you think your ex has a problem with anger management, you should discuss the matter with him over the phone and perhaps suggest that he seek conselling... he may suggest that you seek help as well in keeping your extramarital affair(s) out of your 2 boys' "purview..." Don't minimize this, as he may have that as a legitimate complaint from the court's perspective as being you two were only "officially" separated, and NOT(?) filed for divorce?

If you want him to seek conselling, you'd better be willing to do the same. I'm concerned that neither of you seemed to be in conselling after the relationship ended... the courts look nore favorably to htose who have sought out professional help... if that has not been the case where you're concerned, you had better "get to it!" I hope this helps... Good luck with all that!

Answer 4

Try not to worry. If your husband wants the children (plural, he can't pick and chose his kids, they HAVE to be together) let him take you to court. I don't know of any state who allows a 6 year old to legally decide where he wants to live. I would not let him ask his your son that question. I remember when I was about 5 or 6, my parents were arguing again. (They split up when I was about 1 also). It was Christmas and they were fighting about who was supposed to have my older sister and me and that moment. Then, they both looked at us and asked, "What do you guys want to do? Where do you want to go?" I am 22 years old and still remember the horrible feeling of guilt. I knew if I chose my mom, my dad would be hurt, and vice versa. Some people put their kids in the middle of the problems with their ex's. Tell your ex that it is not right to put adult issues/problems on innocent children.

It sounds as if you have legal custody, or possibly joint custody. If either of those exist, he has no legal power to have your son live with him. . . even if your son wants to. If you have a lawyer, I would get talk to him/her immediately. Right down important details of every conversation you have with your ex regarding this issue and others like it. If it does go to court, please make sure that the kids stay together. They are partners in life and will need each other. . . especially in situations where the parents don't get along.

Best of luck!

Answer 5

First of all if the oldest said that he wanted to live with his father, that doesn't mean that u would have to let him go, especially if u felt that he had a temper and was prone to hitting/beating/ striking the child for minor infractions. The second thing is that no one really has legal custody of those children. It is always assumed that the mother had custody, which is not the case. I found this out when my friend went thru this. What i suggest u do, is go to court and file paper work stating that u want custody of both those children. Once that is established, u do not have to worry about your husband taking them to live with him. Also, if u decide to do this, get it done as soon as possibe. You never know what your ex might be planning, and waiting to late may jeopardise your chances of getting legal custody of the children.

Answer 6

This is a trainwreck. This man had better get over himself and put the kids first. If a man wants to live for himself, that is his choice and his life. When we have children, we take the assumed responsibility that the children, their needs and lives will be our utmost priority. He needs counseling. If there is suspected abuse, do not hesitate to have it investigated and protect the children. You sound very wise and responsible. The kids need you to be strong and make the right choices. You will need to step up to the plate and be strong. Be sure the kids safety and needs are first met. Next priority is their happiness and security. If need be consider counseling for the kids and you. This may reverse any damage he may have already inflicted on their self esteem and security issues. It is a very sad day when adults who have children are selfish and make very harmful choices that change who the children become for the rest of their lives. No-one has the right to harm children. Try to get involved in a good faqmily based church. The church family may be able to help give your children a sense of love, belonging, and reinforce that they are special and meaningful. Pray for your ex , the children and yourself. Seek assistance from Children & Youth Services for the other issues. Congrats on the pregnancy. Best of Love & Peace to you and your children.

Answer 7

do excatly what u want. I think ur 6 year old son should tell a lawyer that his father hit him. You would get totally custody over him. If the Father only wants one why??? It is probably he wants u to get screwed up and go crazy because u dont have ur little boy. OR he wants a punching bag and is gonna use ur son. talk to ur lawyer see what he will do.

Answer 8

Asking a 6 year old to decide which parent they want to live with is inappropriate in my opinion. My parents divorced when I was young and at times, I felt caught in the middle. I did not want to hurt or betray either of my parents. The issues involved are usually to complicated for a child to understand. If he wants custody, let him go to court and ask for it. Leave the kid out of it.

As a side note, if he is hitting your child in the face, you need to take action. It is your duty to protect them. Your Ex knows he was wrong or else he would not have asked the child to lie.

Answer 9

You should have taken pictures of your son's face. If it ever happens again, get pictures. You don't have to tell him why you're taking pictures. You need to talk to a lawyer about this situation and tell them how your ex is. I don't think he would get custody of your son. I think the court would want him to stay with you and his brother. If you can prove to the court that he abuses your son you could probably even have his visitation taken away.

Answer 10

Hire a very good attorney, no matter the cost, this is a very
important decision for the rest of your lives!!!

A restraining order may be appropriate, the attorney will advise you, THE SOONER THE BETTER, I would make a point to
be gone to see friends (with the children) or family in the mean
time.

This is crucial. . . do not delay.

good luck to you.

Answer 11

In the end it doesn't matter what you or your ex want. The court and family services will determine what's best for your boys. Get a lawyer as this is a difficult process to do by yourself.