Step mothers the pariahs of the parenting community? Fairy tales about the wicked stepmother in our psches?

Question

I have been a fully custodial step mother for about a year now to kids ages 10-20. I’ve noticed that I’m expected to endure all kinds of atrocious behaviors from the step children. Their parents divorced 8 years ago/ 3 years before I met their father. I’ve never met his mother. She speaks no English and lives in another country. I’m told by my society that I have all of the responsibilities of a mother but none of the power or respect (you are never to discipline them in any way and just know that they will probably treat you badly for a long time). They even at ages as old as 18 can be disrespectful to me, lie to me, steal from me, incite arguments between me and their Dad, ignore me…the list could go on for pages. What am I to do about being treated this way? I’m told to keep an open mind and an open heart. I’m told that they are “just hurting” or that I should “keep trying to win their respect”. I’m told this by talk show hosts, by some friends and by 70% of ppl here. Why is this?

Answer 1

Sorry, but I think it all boils down to self-esteem. I don't claim to know you or your specific situation (other than what you have written), but if I myself were in this situation it would be because 1) I was willing to sell myself out by taking a husband with all that baggage to begin with, 2) I didn't respect myself enough to demand respect from my husband and the miscreant children, and 3) I had not firmly established from the get-go who is in charge. So, who's in charge here? You? Or the kids? Plainly you are not in charge and are not emoting a firm sense of self-control if the children are blantantly disrespecting you and getting away with it. Get some self-esteem and decide how it's going to be: your way! Good luck.

Answer 2

I think it's a matter pathos, of putting the character at a disadvantage in the beginning so you feel for them. By not having a role model or the support of caring parents, the character is all by her/himself, and has nowhere to go if they fail. Dad's there (usually), and he does what he can, but he doesn't have the same bond with his daughter that a mother would. In the case of Cinderella or Harry Potter, we've taken it a step further. Both parents are dead, and have since been replaced by awful, selfish step-parents who willfully sabotage our hero. All in all, I'd say the message is that, even if you're down in the dumps and think nobody cares if you're alive, you can find friends to help you along your way, be they red-haired wizards, singing crabs, scarecrows, pint-sized diamond miners, or an assortment of household furnishings. Family is important, even if it's a family you created yourself.

Answer 3

The reason talk show hosts tell you not to discipline them is because it tends to be ineffective as you have apparently found out or you wouldn't still be having trouble. Where is your husband in all of this? It is HIS responsibility to discipline them, especially the older one who sounds like he's out of control. Your husband sounds like he doesn't want to discipline them and doesn't want you to do it, either. Perhaps he feels guilty that he isn't still married to their mother his actions precipitated the divorce. You need to put your foot down with your husband and tell him to get on the ball with this or you're outta there. After you have worked that out and can show a united front, you need to have a family meeting and work out what you are or are not going to do in terms of the kids and what your husband is going to do. You need to present a united front to them and stick to it when it gets really bad right after you start laying down the law and they try harder to break you. Once they see that you both cannot be broken and the rules we be enforced, you should have an easier time of it. If you husband refuses to do anything, you seriously need to think about calling it quits. How he can tolerate that kind of disrespect for his wife--even from his children--is unthinkable.

Answer 4

You need to have a serious talk with their dad about the lack of cooperation and respect form his children...They are both old enough to know better. He should be the main disciplinarian, however he should back you up as well. I had the same problem with my 10 year old son not respecting my husband..We went to counseling and were told that I should be the one to instill discipline, but also I need to back him up when he says something. My son has "learned" to respect him and "listen" to him.

Answer 5

Pack your **** and get out. Respect is something you should have pushed for from the beginning. If you husband isn't supporting you in this and it has gone of for this long, i really doubt that it will change.

All you can do is pray. Only God can save those kids.

Answer 6

Grimm's fairy tales about step-mothers were actually collected tales about mothers. The Brothers Grimm felt that was too harsh and changed it to step-moms. In our psyches, then, I think it's all about evil moms, not step-moms.

Your description of your life as a step-mom seems about right, tho. How else could it go?

I'd say becoming a step-mom after a divorce is probaby a pretty silly idea because the kids are in such pain and you are such a convenient and safe target. And, apparently, their dad doesn't help you.

I'd warn my friends, if I were you: don't marry men with kids.

Answer 7

it is time to let the monsters know that you expect and demand respect. make a set of rules write a list post them for all to see.
you might ask them to do the same. let them know that there will
be consequences, such as loss of privileges. You cannot go on
this way. It will destroy you and your marriage, Get professional
help. Maybe from social services.Good luck and "GOD" bless.

Answer 8

You can do things like refuse to drive them places unless they treat you right. Your husband should back you up on this. You have a tough row to hoe. I feel for you. I also am a step mother.