We just adopted a little baby who was only 3 days old when we took custody. We love him with all our heart and we want to be honest with him when he is older and tell him how much we wanted him and that his birth mom gave him up to give him what she couldn't. We don't want him to find out when he is 16 years old and turn to drugs because "his whole life has been a lie". How were you told? Can you give advice at what age you think we should tell him or should we tell him now and keep telling him over and over even though he is a baby so he can nver remember the day he found out he was adopted. He will just know. Like he'll know his ABC's. Just wanted to hear other people's experiences. Thanks.
2006-09-23 03:54:05 · 14 answers · asked by Matthew's Mom 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Hi. I just saw your question and stopped in to share a thought. I am not expert at adoption, but I do think you and your wonderful husband ought to just take a deep breath and enjoy having a new baby. There is plenty of time to think about this. Right now, you both need a little calm and peace to wrap around your child. You both could use a little TLC too. You have taken on a big responsibility, sure, but you have also received an amazing blessing of joy. Bathe in that light a little. Time will give you the answers you seek.
2006-09-23 03:57:42 · answer #1 · answered by Isis 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am NOT adopted myself ; but my suggestion would be to start telling the child from a very early age - so it is something it always knows - making sure that you tell him how much he is/was wanted & loved & how grateful you feel to have him - but also saddened that his biological parents are not able to see him grow up & share in his life.
YES you do hear way too many stories of people finding out later in life that they have been adopted & they feel betrayed by the *parents* & that their life has been a lie.- it doesn't necessarily mean the child will go off the rails
also it is MUCH better that the information comes from you rather than he be told by someone else when he is older.
you dont need to keep telling him over & over - just when the the opportunity is there to add it to a conversation
** you can say things like "" mummy wasn't able to have a baby like other ladies do - so another "' mummy"' carried you in her tummy for us"' as a start- you can elaborate more as the child gets older
I had a cousin who was adopted - from what I remember she was always aware of the fact.
friends also adopted a child a few years ago & they were telling their daughter she had been adopted- child was 7months old when they got her. They were here in Australia & the child was from Korea- she would now be 5. _ they moved & I haven't seen them for some time
CONGRATULATIONS & great to see that you are giving this issue some thought now. it sounds like you will be wonderful parents. ENJOY your child
2006-09-23 11:15:07 · answer #2 · answered by fairypelican 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've known that I was adopted as far back as I can remember.
So my folks must have told me at a very early age. My brother is adopted too, from a different birth mother though. I've always been okay with the whole thing , where as my brother to this day feels like he was cast out.
He unfortunately had a traumatic experience at a young age though. He was at a "friend's" house playing one day, and came home in tears. The other kids mom sent him home , saying " you can't be friends with my son, because we don't know your true blood line."
Children can be cruel, but no one can be as heartless as an adult to a child.
So show caution who you share your child's background with.
2006-09-23 11:05:25 · answer #3 · answered by Dr. Feelgood 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My Goddaughter is adopted and has known since she was little. Her story is different because her mother couldn't take care of her and had to give her up..but since the adoptive parents knew who she was they kept her in thier lives. She has always known who her biological mother is and has spent every birthday, holiday, special event with her biological mother and her sisters and brother. She accepts this as a fact in her life.
But, again they told her when she was very young (about two) that they loved her so much and that God blessed them and chose them to raise such a beautiful child. Let him know you chose him...and loved him like he was your very own. Even if you have your own children by birth he is still loved by you and there is no difference between any.
2006-09-23 15:39:23 · answer #4 · answered by Bethie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hey matthew's mom. i'm not adopted, but one of my relative's kid is. they say she's 6 and they'll tell her when she's 13. you shouldn't pop it up. actually i really think that you should tell him before he's 8. that way he'll be more, accepting of it than when he's older. and you should always tell him you love him EVERY SINGLE DAY. i'm not on drugs or anything, but i've never even tried to get on them, for i really don't like mom and dad that much. i know what you're thinking. normal boy, no divorces. it's not like that. having a loving mom and a caring dad is something worth loving god for. i don't have that, but i don't think your son 15 years from now would be any different from me, if you treat him the way you should.
oh, and DEFINITELY make sure he doesn't find out! make sure the first time he hears it it's from your mouth, not a piece of paper's.
love him and care fr him.
contact me.
2006-09-23 11:03:09 · answer #5 · answered by Moe A 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i was adopted by my uncle and his wife so its not exactly the same thing but i always new i was adopted even though when i was older we had the "talk". just while he is young i would mention it to him so its always in his mind so he knows just dont make it a super deal until hes ready to understand. just tell him alot while hes young and explain it to him bit by bit. i had a book made for me like pictures of me and my birth family if you can do something like that is special. or at least make it for when he came to live with you. look on the internet. its a good source.
2006-09-23 12:01:04 · answer #6 · answered by missscs326 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
my sister was adopted from the philipines (at 4 mos old). My parents let her know from the beginning. She always knew she was adopted, and the understanding of it just came as she got older...
We always spoke openly about the experience of her adoption. The whole family went to the philipines, and we even have everything in video tape.
She has watched the video tape numbers of times.
2006-09-23 11:00:09 · answer #7 · answered by Soul-Unleashed 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should start tell him when he is very young. He won't understand of course and one day he will ask you what it means. However, he will always know that you've told him.
Make a book for him, something he can look through at an early age with pictures, telling the story of how he came to be part of your family.
2006-09-23 10:56:04 · answer #8 · answered by sarah071267 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was adopted. I didnt get any information about why my parents died until i was about 20 and I hated that.
You probably should tell him earlier than when he is 16.
8 or 9 probably. If your are tactful, and keep reminding him that you love him regardless of not being biologically related, he'll get over it.
2006-09-23 10:59:18 · answer #9 · answered by Kid A 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is a hard question because in most kids minds they want to know WHY, and there are alot of other issues,, and then they break the adoptive parents hearts when they want to find their birth mother to find out why,, and who the dad is etc..
2006-09-23 10:56:01 · answer #10 · answered by rich2481 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋