I feel like my fiance's friend more than anything. I love him and he's funny and warm and he'd be a great dad and husband and I love his family and friends and he loves mine. If I married him, I have no doubt that I'd have a good life, secure and happy. BUT I feel no sexual attraction for him anymore, no passion, no throw down good times that I ache for. I feel like he's a boy still and I've grown into a woman without him (we've been together for since I was 19 and I'm 27 now). Is the sex something you just lose in a marriage? Should I settle for the 99 out of 100 good things and accept that as good enough, or is it possible to have it all.. love and sex and passion and companionship? I feel like I want to run away and start a whole new exciting life somewhere else.....
2006-09-23 03:11:37 · 19 answers · asked by Free Spirit 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Forgive my being blunt. You love this man but you are not IN love with this man. You will never be happy with him and you will either go through life feeling like you are missing something or eventually you will pick up and leave and leave a trail of lifelong hurt behind you.
I am not the only woman who choose to do this, there are many of us out there that in hindsight would have never married the man we did because he did NOT complete us. We knew it but ignored it for the just the reasons you are stating. Its so hard to see that when you are at the beginning of your life, and while easy to see it at my age(53), I cannot go back and make other choices.
So what you are proposing to do, leave this relationship, will be hard and disappointing. I would like to suggest that you go to your mother, if she the kind of woman who actually puts you first(mine wasn't, but I am) and tell her that you are not in love with him and you need her support and help to end the relationship. She should be on your side, but don't put yourself through that if she isn't. Find a friend, an aunt, cousin, grandmother, maybe even your dad if he's close to you. Lean on them, and get it done.
Marriage isn't about comfort and safety. It is about the creation of a new life. That can't be done when one partner isn't really there. This is why so many marriages fail.
You are ahead of the game. If you love this man in the way you are saying, then you love him enough to want him to have complete happiness with someone who is IN love with him and completely devoted to him. That is not you.
Best of luck to you. If you do decide to marry him, get counseling right away to help you cope with your decision.
2006-09-23 03:33:36 · answer #1 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well me tell you that this is the hardest problem that you will have in life. You need to know if you really want to marry him. Marriage is on love but my want the sexual relationship to be out of this world. Sorry but once you get married it become the same old thing unless you work very hard at it. I know this because I have been married for almost 8 years. I did just recently get back together after separating with my husband for two years. The main erason being he took advantage of me. My s*xual realtionship was very bad, he would have s*x with me while i was sleeping and then most of al think it was ok to do whatever he wanted.
Could I give you advice......try talking to him. Sex is a small part that weighs very heavy on your relationship. If the sex is not good everything will not fall in to place. Love shouls conquer all, but some things are harder than others. You and him have a job which is very important in marriage. that job is to keep each other happy. When one can not do it then the other will eventually pick up on it and then stop doing as well.
Try talking things out. Its not good to have doubts about marriage. I myself find it hard at times with him but I keep trying to work with him. I also have children which has to make me more patient with him. Don't settle but weigh the other good qualities too. He might want to talk about things to. Everyone will tell you that you be better off finding out now then later. Its true but do give it a try. You never know it could go both ways but dont wait till its to late. You are young and dont have much experience in the love department ( i mean with other men) so look at all options. Good Luck to you. You will make a good decision.
2006-09-23 10:29:32 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you're happy in every way except sexually, talk with him about it. Women naturally mature a lot faster than men, and when you love someone, you don't leave them behind, you patiently wait until they can relate to you on your level. You can make suggestions as to what you'd like to see happen in the bedroom. Get a Kama Sutra book and have each other pick out a couple different positions to try each night. Make movies together, there are a lot of things you can do to spice up the relationship when that flame has died. Then again, maybe you're beyond over it and you're ready for a change. Change can be good too, most people are afraid of change though. I'd say, talk to him openly about everything you've stated and get his feedback...who knows, maybe he feels the same??? All you can do is try to salvage what once was, if not, move on to bigger and better things. You should never "settle" for something that's just "good enough," you want it to be incredible all the time.
2006-09-23 10:19:32 · answer #3 · answered by Shining Ray of Light 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Run for the hills. I have a husband who lost interest in sex about 3 years ago. Now I feel like we have no life together at all. That intimacy is an important part of marriage. No it's not everything, but it is still important enough to leave a relationship if the intimacy has died.
2006-09-23 23:16:43 · answer #4 · answered by mamagoofy13 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If I were you, I would hold on the wedding. You need to really look inside yourself and decide what you want. If it doesn't feel right then it prob. isn't right. My husband married his high school girlfriend before I met him. When he proposed to me, he knew that I would say yes and was nervous anyway. He told me that if he knew this was how it was supposed to be before he would've never gotten married the first time. He proposed because he felt like the right thing to do and ended up divorced two years later. Follow your heart, only you can tell what it is saying.
2006-09-23 14:56:21 · answer #5 · answered by first-time_mom 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you love each other, and are best friends, that is the most important thing. All relationships change and evolve. Most marriages are not as passionate as they were when dating began. If you have good communication, the other parts will follow. If you are in indifferent about your relationship, then you shouldn't get married.
2006-09-23 10:38:01 · answer #6 · answered by Coffeyvillian 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Think, think, and think, There are time's that you feel he is the right person for you because he is your ideal man. But mind you sometimes he is not. Dont be in a hurry just take your time.
There are times that it's hard to loose someone who is so kind, responsible, good looking, respectful and etc. However, there is something lacking in him. And the thing that is lacking makes you dubious. So, give a time for yourself because you dont know there one out there who is somewhat a complete package of what you are looking for. And that someone is also looking for you!
It was an experienced of mine. I had a bf who was so nice and I cant really let go of him because he is my ideal man. But there was a thing that I dont like so I really really take my time and think hundred times. Then, eventually I met someone who is really similar of him but not the same as him.
He is now my husband, and I didnt regret my decision because my husband now is i think the complete package of a man that i want to spend the rest of my life with.
So, take your time and think it how many times. I believe that there is really someone for you/for us.
2006-09-23 15:41:36 · answer #7 · answered by samantha_fiel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A marraige is a commitment to be with someone the rest of your life. Without great sex that explores all your fantasies, sexual desires and satisfies all your sexual needs, you might as well be friends. Afterall, you only live once.
2006-09-23 10:16:50 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Marriage is not like a doll that you play with for a while then grow out of. If you feel like your marriage is becoming a platonic relationship then I suggest you run to Frederick's of Hollywood and buy some sexy lingerie. You don't just don't settle, you work at it.
2006-09-23 10:29:37 · answer #9 · answered by Lov'n IT! 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I married at 23 to a man who adored me and we had fun, and he loved my family and i loved the way his dad spoiled us. we had No sexual chemistry. divorced at 31 after i started cheating on him. after i admitted it (he never knew) he still begged me to stay, and said i was free to continue but i could not in good conscience.
my vote is tell him honestly now how you feel that you love him dearly as a friend, but you will not marry him. Give him a few months, he may still want to be friends, but maybe not. It is not worth the risk to hurt this nice man. and You deserve better, someone who will be a complete partner to you.
2006-09-23 13:27:59 · answer #10 · answered by bttrswt1 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋