my daughter is 12 years old, and im having problems with her.?

Question

she has a bad attitude in general, her school work has gone downhill and she wont listen to anything i say. any ideas?

Answer 1

You basically answered your question in your first five words..."my daughter is 12 years old." But, this is not to say that all 12 year olds are "bad". It is a very hard time for them....too old to be a "kid" but not old enough to be a "teen" or even a "young adult". She may be going through some physical changes(menstrual), and/or some heavy duty(especially in her mind) emotional/mental problems. Today is alot harder to be that age than it was 40 years ago when I was a teen and I can still remember some of the things I was going through.
I used to write letters to my mom and mail them out so they would arrive the next day while I was away in school, and she would read them and know before I got home but was bugging me. I could either ask her not to respond verbally or wait til I was ready to discuss it.
Sometimes she would write me a letter and put it in my lunch, on the breakfast table or even mail it out to me.
Talking face to face was not my strongest suit, but writing things down was really easy for me.
Also, I used a few crayons to visually name my moods on the calendar....pink was a sorta bad day...read was a stay back day...black was a 'you might wanna steer real clear of me" day,yellow was a halfway decent day and maybe we can talk about it' day.......I just colored in the days on the calendar and we went from there.
Have you asked any other siblings if there is something they have noticed going on at school?
Is she avoiding certain family members or feeling uncomfortable around anyone specific? These can sometimes be 'heads up' signs.
It's hard to say, 'just wait it out and see what happens' when you are a parent who loves their child.....but it is also harmful to butt in when the time is not right.
Just let her know that you are there when SHE is ready to talk..by whatever means, and hope that things will change when she sees that she has other avenues to let it be known how and what she is going through.
She can email me if she wants and if you feel comfortable in letting her do that. I would never hide a serious problem from a parent, but I would respect her privacy if it is something that I feel she is going through and just needs some time to work out for herself. Give it a thought Mom...you are welcome to email me too to vent.
Good Luck.

Answer 2

I have an 11 year old that went through a stage of back talking. But (and I know alot of people don't believe in corporal punishment) first time there was attitude and the look of make m eon her face, I took a belt and whipped her. Havent had a problem since, If she does start to do it, I just igve her a look and she says "sorry mom". I love my kids and they know it, but they also know to respect me.
And then it all depend son who your child is hanging around with at school. Is one of her friends this way? Keep her away from the influence! And last but not least, are you listening to her and giving her attention. I know my 11 year old loves to come home and tell me about her day and all the "kid Drama" and I sit an listen to her, be her friend for a few minutes. Your daughter is going thru changes right now. BIG HUGE CHANGES! She might be confused about some things an djust taken an attitude about the changes. I very well can not tell you how to raise your child. But you need to take control of the attitude and all RIGHT NOW! Let her know that you love her and that your her friend, but yet you are her mother too, and you won't stand for any disrespect!

Answer 3

Ask her what is wrong first. Is something going on at school or home that she's having a problem coping with? She's entering puberty and her body is in an uproar. Don't you remember that age at all? She's going to have a bad attitude for a while, we all did until things started making sense again to us. Instead of talking at her, LISTEN to her. Don't interrupt, just simply LISTEN.

Some things you can help her with, but others you can only be sympathetic and can't fix. This is the same little baby you couldn't wait to have and cooed over and dressed up and took so much pride in her accomplishments. Only now, she's becoming her own person and separating from you.

That separation is the hardest thing a mother experiences but you have to, for the sake of your child, do your best to not be threatened by it and assist her in growing up. Be consistent and don't make threats you can't keep. Listen to her, be an example, and be her parent, not her friend.

Good luck.

Answer 4

She's a normal 12 year old. Welcome to the wonderful world of adolescence. I have a 16 year old girl and a 12 year old boy - it's just a bunch of fun at my house. This is the part of life where nature gets them ready to be independent, but they aren't. They're not kids anymore, no quite adults, so they are just a pain in the rear sometimes. The best advice I can give you is this:

1. Always stick by your morals and teach them right and wrong.
2. Don't lose your temper and lash out. It only escalates a situation that they are TRYING to escalate. When you do that, they win.
3. NEVER hit, smack, spank, etc. your child. It is illegal, and it will only make the child resent you further. If your child becomes violent with you, call the police.
4. Know that your patience and hard work will pay off when they are adults, and they will thank you.
5. There are two books I can also recommend:
"Yes, Your Teenager Really Is Crazy" It's about the brain changes that teens go through and shows you why if they were an adult, they could legally be committed to an institution. It gives you lots of scientific research, as well as good tools in managing your child as well as your own mental health.
and:
"How to Love Me When I Am the Most Unlovable" It's about, well, the title.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 5

You know some of these answers are right on the mark.. if it were me again (my daughter is now 20 yrs. old) I would first make an appointment with her counselor and/or teachers.. see if they have notice anything that may be happening to your daughter at school, teachers often notice when certain kids are starting to hang out with the "wrong crowd" but don't say anything until it's too late.. so you initiate the communication with them. Every teacher has an email address.. get it.. then keep in weekly communication with them. I let my daughter know that I was there for her, that I loved her very much (and NOTHING would ever change that) and that yes believe it or not I had probably been in very simular situations and most importantly that you will do whatever it takes to work WITH her to help her through any problem. I also let my daughter know that I was keeping in touch with each of her teachers at school via e-mail and if she falls behind in her work that the teachers had agreed to let you know on fridays (I arranged it with the teachers that I would contact them on friday mornings, so they could let you know how the week had gone and if she had fallen behind). And if you got any report that she had not turned in work .. then that would be what she was doing that weekend.. until it got done! At first my daughter was not very happy about this.. but what kid would be! But my daughter told me a couple of years later that this was the best thing I had done to keep her on track. She was more interested in being "popular" than in being a good student. But you also have to remember that you are the mom/dad.. there are times that we can be their "friend".. but more times we need to be the parent.. you may end up needing outside help (counseling) and this is nothing to be ashamed of.. and if your insurance doesn't cover this.. most will.. then there are counselors that will either do a payment plan or charge you on a income scale.
Good luck!!

Answer 6

Have u talked to her counselor's and teachers at school? That might help as well. I'm not a mother but i think i would know how to handle this b/c i too was once that age. And so were you! Maybe a psychiatrist could help too who knows! If that doesnt work just have a sit down talk with her. Tell her how you feel about this then tell her how her attitude and her school work will only lead to bigger problems if she doesnt fix it now. I mean you dont have to say it word to word like this but bascially let her know these things. If the school work doesnt get better maybe you could put her in a after school program that helps kids with this kind of thing. B/c i know that after school program will help a lot b/c i know from experience like i said i've been there before too. Anyways I really hope this helps you and if it doesnt I'm truely sorry. GOOD LUCK

Answer 7

Time to take away some privelages...until the attitude changes and she bucks up her ideas. No extra cirriculum activities until things change...no friends over...no computer...no tv....and bed early. You are the parents..remember that. More chores are maybe needed if the respect is running low. My 13 year old daughter does a ton of chores....is limited with tv/computer..and so far we've had no problems....Im not an idiot to believe that we never will but so far so good. I know Im lucky...I did start early I must admit and was a nanny for 14 years....so I had lots of disapline practice on other peoples children! A definite advantage......... dont give up now...she's still young...maybe you've spoilt her? Its never too late to turn things around...good luck

Answer 8

Learning to be a better parent is a great place to start. My boys were both a bit problematic when they were younger because I didn't know how to properly handle each situation that arose. I read every book I could on child rearing as well as getting advice from most everyone I came in contact with. Discipline starts at home. Not all children are alike, but their basic lesson plan is. They need to learn respect for their elders and respect for themselves, Now means now-not later, rewards are earned, a parents love is unconditional, Patience works both ways, violence is never the answer, the golden rule, and communication is key.

As a parent you must lead by example.

Best wishes to you.

Answer 9

I know you don't want to hear that this is normal. But really it isn't normal. Theres something bothering your child, take her for coffee or take her shopping, if it's money your worried about, ask her to help you to do the laundry or cook. This is a perfect time to catch up with your daughter and hear everything thats happening in her life. She may not have much friends, or she may not like her extra curricular activities (if she has any) when you get her to open up, make sure that everyones tone of voice is low and calm. She may just want to hang out with her friends more or want some more privacy... try giving it to her with something to return back, it may be she can stay out a little later to see that movie with her friends but she has to do her homework, or help clean up the yard. This is a perfect age to teach responsibility. And frankly some kids are lacking in that these days. Don't upset your kid to get close if one way doesn't work try another. Keep doing this cause this child is pretty much exactly like you and your other. Good luck!

Answer 10

If this is a new problem then you need to do some investigating. Something could be going on. My daughter started this and I found out she was being threatened at school by some of the "bullies" because she made all "A's".

It took some real snooping to find it, reading notes in her book bag etc. You may think you are invading her privacy but you may be saving her. These problems lead to depression and some children can't handle it.

Good luck, let her know you love her no matter what. Talk to her and LISTEN!!