My best friend just to me that she and her husband of 2 months are trying to get pregnant, how do I discourage

Question

She is 23, he's 26, and they've been together for 7 years. That's not the problem. The problem is they are struggling financially and have no savings. He is upsidedown in his car payments, and she owes 3-4thousand to friends and family members that she has borrowed through her rough financial times. I think they are being naive and really don't understand how much it costs to have a baby. They haven't even gone on a honeymoon because they cannot afford to go and/or take off work because of the money they will be missing out on. I have done some research online about budgeting for baby, etc, but i can't seem to find the information I am looking for. If anyone has good websites I can send her on costs of pregnancy/newborn/healthcare, budgeting for baby, how much of a financial cushion they should have before conceiving, etc... or any other info I can give her to open her eyes to what she is getting herself into. I am trying to be a good friend and get her information before it's too late

Just so everyone knows, I wil support whatever ends up happening, I just want to open their eyes to what this might bring them. For those who say it's none of my business, it's true, but she came to me with this knowing what I would say. Her entire family has told her the same thing. Thanks to all those who have helped on what to say, but what I really need are some resources I can give her about how expensive it is to have a child, maybe open her eyes to the fact that just because she is married doesn't mean she needs to have children right now. Chances are, if they go through with this right now, they will struggle more, accumulate more debt, and be miserable. I don't want to see them that way. I am truly concerned for their well-being and the well-being of a child.

Just want resources to educate her.

Answer 1

Having a baby isn't cheap. Here's a good website that listed a LOT of the things they'll have to pay for and the average prices.

http://www.surebaby.com/costs.php

Hope that helps.

Answer 2

I understand what your saying my freind is going through the same thing right now her and her husband have been married for two years which is great but in two years they've came up with so much debit its unreal they bought a brand new house which is really nice and then she decided she needed dogs since they couldnt have a baby well the dogs tore up all the carpet peed and pooped everywhere so what is a brand new house looks like someone has lived in it for a while even tho its just a year old....well in nov. she found out she was pregnant thrilled but i tried telling her before they got this way that it was going to be hard they are 2 house payments behind his truck is on the verge of getting repo'd anyday they're constantly borrowing money...poor darling her baby was born 3 months early he weighed 1 pound 14 ounces she was excatly 27 weeks when she had him...he was on ventlators and everything else. Now she doesnt work her husband has two jobs and there's sooo much strain on them....there medcial bills alone came out to 200 thousand dollers......just tell her you dont think its a good idea and if she asks why give her examples dont be mean about it cause then shell just say your jealous your her freind be there to encourage her but keep your own reasons inside....you can only do for you.....goodluck

Answer 3

I think if I had a friend like you who cared so much about me and my husband and my future I would be so grateful but at the same time I wouldn't like to be told I'm making a mistake.

Maybe when you find the information you're looking for you can also let your friend know you love her and respect any decision she makes but you worry

Having a kid is really expensive but if you wait to have enough money it will never happen. A child benefits far more from quality time spent with their parents than from having new clothes or expensive toys.

There are ways to do it with little money - but as you suggest they should be aware of the potential costs and the ever present hidden and unexpected costs of kids like Doctors fees etc.

Maybe the best thing you can do is find a local mothers group and ask if you two can attend and ask questions - see how it is in real life not just on paper.

Answer 4

I think the best advise you need to tell your friend is that for one does she and her husband really want to have a baby now and two if they do have a baby now are they prepaired for all the things that comes along with haveing a child. Do they want to add to the stress in their lives. Because if they are haveing that many problems now finacially then what will they do when they have a baby and they need diapers and formula and when the child gets older and she need to put the child in daycare so they can work or need a babysitter when no one else can help them are they prepaired for that? You should ask your friend these questions. I'm sure she really wants a child and he does too but they need to look at the big picture first instead of jumping into something that is a committment. Instead of saying to them selves they want a child because they are married and they think thats what your supposed to do.

Answer 5

Take her to a bank- sounds odd, but all banks in my area have free (or relatively cheap- no more than $30) financial counseling classes and sessions that are held one-one-one with an adviser. Sure, it's a marketing trick for them to get customers by looking nice, but take advantage of that.
You tell them how much you make, and what are you planning to do (new car, house, plan for a kid), and they help you come up with a solution.
That should open her eyes- when she sees the numbers, she might think about it twice. Even if she decides to have a child, she will have a better plan how to cope with her debt.

Answer 6

I know your intentions are good and you're probably right that the timing is bad, but I don't think you're going to have much luck changing their minds. And in fact, if you try very hard, you may succeed in alienating them.

If they were imprudent enough to get in such a financial mess, they aren't likely to show restraint as far as waiting to get out of it before having a child. Actually, it will be a miracle if they ever do get out of it, or if the combination of financial problems and having a child doesn't bust their marriage wide open.

Sorry to be cynical - I've seen this one happen before. And you know what? I hope I'm wrong. It would be great to be wrong. Good luck!

Answer 7

Finances are never right for childbirth, it is not just the cost of newborns but the cost for at least the next 18 to 23 years.
I'm not sure you can discourage them and in trying, you may lose their friendship.
I would ask them if they have thought about the possibility of her not being able to work the full term, my niece hasn't been able to work since the 1st month she has been in and out of the hospital due to extreme nausea, she has become dehydrated at least 3 times, she is just now able to return to work and she is 5 months. Not everyone gets nausea that extreme but there are many that do. Have they checked into the expense of daycare ?

Answer 8

Wow sounds like a tough time. I honestly wish I knew what to say or something to help you with. The best way to tell her that it's a bad thing to do now is say it straight up, don't beat around the bush. Tell her something like this, "__________ (insert friend's name) I know that we've been friends for a long time and I am feeling concerned for you right now. I think that you and your husband ________ (insert husband's name) have been making some bad decisions lately. Now don't get mad when I say this and please listen to everything I have to say. I did some research and found that ___________________________ (insert research). . . ." See where I am getting. Now I don't know your friend and I don't know if she gets offensive easily, if so then this may not be the best way to say this. I am assuming that you know your more about your friend then her husband and if so then make sure it's just you and her talking with no one else around, like at a resturant. I do wish you the best of luck to you and your friend! Hope I helped some!!!

Answer 9

Well firstly your friend should consider herself lucky to have someone like u as a friend, who is concerned.

There are lot of sights but sites don't deter people, you have to sit down with her first and make hes see sense and if she agrees then maybe both she and her husband can be counseled together. But be cautious and be prepared to loose your friend if she does not appreciate your advise. Good Luck

Answer 10

I see where you are coming from and I agree kids are expensive, but if you want to be a TRUE friend, you need to sit back and let your friends make their own decisions and their own mistakes. Be there for them when they need you, but stay out of their buisness. How would you feel if they tried to discourage you from doing something you really wanted? You would feel like they weren't really friends at all. It will be tough for them, but they will be OK and you will have a new "friend" to love and spoil!