I struggle with assisting but feel I am being railroaded because of this reality. I often overindulged as youngster because dad was a crappy one and I felt sad over divorce and child's pain.
Now I get the guilt trip if I do not give in. I see this getting to point of child having to leave to "get" that life is hard. but where to go? any ideas
2006-09-22 16:40:47 · 9 answers · asked by ? 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
...My parents started giving my sister tough love when she decided that she was going to get her tongue periced without their permission. She was 14.
I started getting tough love when I was about 16, and I came home drunk, and smelling of pot. >_> You should've seen the **** fly. It was awesome, in retrospect.
2006-09-22 16:49:24 · answer #1 · answered by obscured_obloquy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You must make rules. Not just for the child, but for you too. Every time you give in, the child wins. Go somewhere nice and quiet, neutral ground, not home. Set down and talk, don't argue, talk about your feelings and let the child talk too. Listen to each other, don't dwell on the hard and bad stuff too much. You both know about that. Talk about the good things and how to have more good and less bad. Talk about rules and how you are hurt when something goes wrong. Most of all, make sure the child knows that you love him or her and always try to do what is right even if you are sometimes confused as to the right course of action. The child must be made to know that you are trying to be two people at the same time, mother and father, and that is hard.
2006-09-22 17:04:22 · answer #2 · answered by B H 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Tough love doesn't work with today's kid. Tough love ends up being just tough, causing more pain, resentment, and feelings of disrespect towards the parent.
In regards to "overindulging", that is relative. There are many kids out in the world with way more than what yours has, trust that. There are kids in this world with multimillion dollar trust funds, BMW's, raised in mansions, etc...and they grow up to be successful, happy, adults, who take charge of the rest of us...LOL. So, the issue is not how much you gave your child, because again, many kids have much much more..and who is to say how much yours should have? It is more about WHY your child was indulged. If you indulged him out of guilt, for his pain,etc..then this is the REAL problem.
Your child does not need to *go* anywhere to get that life is tough. You already stated that he went through a divorce. Has anyone close to him ever died..well, eventually they will? Has he ever failed a test? A grade? His life is not all smiles, and prehaps it's not even mostly smiles..which is why he is acting the way he is acting. So you do not need to "teach" him that life is "hard", and no amount of toys or gadgets will sheild him from pain, hurt, disrespect, discord, and strife..and he knows that full well already.
But you also don't need to feel guilty about his pain, because all of our lives consist of things that are difficult. You need to help him to help himself. That's all he needs help knowing. It is exactly during your child's most difficult moments that you should give him the most support, the most love, the most understanding,etc..isn't that what we all want in our most difficult hours as adults from our spouses, our friends, and even still if they are alive, our parents?
If you have indulged him all this time, there is no point in changing that all of a sudden..it is not his fault that you raised him in this way or that he expects you to be consistent with how you have always treated him. It's also not fair. What you could do is encourage him to get a job, or let him know that your family home needs these jobs done, and you can pay him enough money for the jobs that he does that allows him to purchase the things that he usually just expects you to buy for him.
By all means, tough love, is just a better way of saying "giving up, out of commision, or out of answers". You must continue to seek answers until you find them. Your relationship with your son is just that, a relationship. Relationships, when they get rough, need more love, not less, more hugs, more talks, more smiles, more confidence, more respect, more hope!
2006-09-22 21:51:35 · answer #3 · answered by chicalinda 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You don't really explain your situation in detail, including how old your teenager is, but I believe that children from a young age need to learn logical consequences of their behavior. I wouldn't recommend having spent your life giving in and overindulging to just flip the switch and kick your child out. Instead, I would suggest you set some simple ground rules and consequences and follow through with them. Also, get some parenting books that relate to teenagers. Good Luck.
2006-09-22 16:52:20 · answer #4 · answered by luveeduvee 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm with ya on this one. I had to put my son out on a cold and rainy night after failing to come home by curfew.As a matter of fact instead of by 12 he came in by 3:00am.. I took his cell phone, house keys and car keys- all which i had paid for. He thought he was grown and wanted him to know what the meaning of being grown was. He had to walk several miles until he eventually caught a cab that took him to his uncle's house. He quickly learned when the uncles, aunts and friends parents said he couldn't stay with them because if he couldn't respect his own home, he wouldn't do theirs either. So technically he had no where to turn. He had to come right back to the demon of his home. He told his uncle that this was the best thing that could have happened to him. He realized he had no one but his mother and that no one was going to love him as I had. I let him come back but with the understanding things were going to be as I say or he could stay out. I meant it and because I followed through on my threat, he knew I meant it. I love my child. But kids have to know that in spite of your love and because you love them, you are going to do what's right and make some tough decisions about them. Sometimes you got to break open the tough shell of a coconut to get to the creamy goodness inside. Once you demonstrate non-negotiable tactics, they'll change to be the good kids that they can be. Good Luck.
2006-09-22 17:00:27 · answer #5 · answered by hellokittyt012263 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I will advise to you very strongly that "tough love", is a bunch of crap. A good parent is always there to support their child emotionally, not bail them out, just to support them emotionally, the only way that I would see "tough love", being necessary would be if your teens on drugs and if thats the case the only way to solve that problem is to check them into rehab immediately. Treat your child like an adult and they will start acting like one. If they make a mistake, let them deal with the consequences of their actions themselves. And explain to them honestly what those consequences will eventually be.
2006-09-22 16:49:28 · answer #6 · answered by Tammy C 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
When they start rebelling, then u start the tough love. If u start at an earlier age, they will know right from wrong and maybe it wont be as bad when they get older.
2006-09-22 16:59:48 · answer #7 · answered by good4u06@verizon.net 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sod that...I'm a single dad of 6 kids...they're grown up now...but you can't let you guard down....if you let them show you who is boss, then you've lost them....I showed them I'm the boss and 5 of the 6 are looking good future wise...the one that didn't is on his own!!
2006-09-22 16:52:22 · answer #8 · answered by Damned fan 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
With my oldest daughter, it came to the point that we had to physically fight to get her ot understand that i wasn't taking any more of her crap or her mouth........Now she is totally different........
2006-09-22 16:50:00 · answer #9 · answered by mizzzzthang 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋