jokes PLEASE?

Question

please gimme ANY BLONDE jokes, or heck, any kinda joke!! just please 10 points 2u for funniest one...u have a better chance if u type the really big long jokes

Answer 1

Alright so a blonde woman goes in to get her hair cut. She is wearing headphones and she tells the lady cutting her hair not to touch the headphones.
The lady agrees and cuts her hair.
Three weeks later, she goes in to get her hair cut again, and again, she tells the lady not to touch the headphones. The lady cuts her hair without touching the headphones.
When the blonde came back a month later, the lady cutting her hair was curious so she took off the headphones.The blonde dropped dead and when the lady listened to the headphones all she heard was, "breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out."

Answer 2

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored
and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"

another joke:
A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar.
She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while.

Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around.

Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.

The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them
about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The
lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all
his friends take their turns.

The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a
Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the barender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.

The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want the usual?"

She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my P U S S Ysore!"

another:
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The
contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it,
and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP! "In the second room she told the
painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote
this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled
"GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said
nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm
rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window,
opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side
up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes
laying sod across the street."

another:

Answer 3

Get ready to laugh! Sometimes true stories are better! Hope you enjoy!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?
Here are the testimonials of
a few people who did...
*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowj*b?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.
He knew better.
*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget .
*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan! my, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, ! did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.
Now, didn't that feel good ?

Answer 4

Yodeling





Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?








Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland ..









Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !




The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.









As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"









"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."









The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.









About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.









The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.









The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.






When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"









"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.






The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....






"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

Answer 5

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in t he trunk of a tree." Horrified, she! said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the he** did you do that for?"
"Just checking for SQUIRRELS," said Tarzan

Answer 6

When a pretty blonde walked in with a cute toy poodle, every head turned.
"What are you here for, sweetie," another woman asked.
"My innocent little poochie has an STD," she replied tearfully.
"I can't believe it!" the concerned asker asked. "How did that happen?"
The distressed damsel blew her nose. "Well, she said she got it off a tree!"

Answer 7

ya mama is so dumb she locked herself in the restroom and peed on herself

ya mama is so ugly she went grocery shopping over the phone

ya mama is so fat she got sent to hell