Pls advise re step kid issue. Hubby works 112 hrs wkly says no counseling and don't bother him about his kids

Question

A child (ages 10-14, step btw, thank goodness I don’t have any biological kids) is acting disrespectfully. Giving you the silent treatment b/c you reminded them to make their bed, tries to argue about everything you say, etc. Do you have to continue through out that day to engage their comments/accommodate their requests for other than food/water/safety? Example: After ignoring you when say three times "I need you to start getting ready for bed, OK?" or "Pls go do your home work.” They wait 5+ minutes and say to you” Watch me! I can do a perfect cartwheel!” or ask you “Where is my soccer ball?” What do you say/do? I've bent myself into a pretzel trying to bond with them, spend time with them, etc. Their folks broke up 7 yrs ago before I met their dad. To answerers: If you’re one of those ppl who thinks Step mom = emotional punching bag, giving machine who has no right to expect common decency from step children I don’t need your input/guilt-trips.

Answer 1

I would tell my hubby that I didn't sign up to be a single parent and he better get his butt home at a decent time to help me. Otherwise he could find another nanny. That's what it sounds like he is treating you as. I'd be more concerned about your marriage at the moment than the kids being in bed.

Answer 2

After saying you don't have any kids thank goodness- I have to wonder if the kids living with you might feel that. I hope you don't say that in front of them. But, basically they feel you have no disciplinary recourse so they are ignoring you. Take away the TV, take away the soccer ball. You will have to be firm and consistent and right on top of them until they start doing what you ask. Put their school books on the table and say you need to get a drink of water and go to the restroom NOW- you have 5 minutes. Then you need to be in this chair doing your homework or you will have no TV/Video games for the rest of the night. Stick to it. They will try to see how far they can push you. Don't give in. Say you have 10 minutes to get ready for bed and then lights out. If they aren't in their beds go through the house turn off all the lights and TVs and go in your room. Tell them for Every minute they are over they will lose that much time tomorrow- outside or TV or whatever they like to do. I understand you must be frustrated and it will likely be a fight but praise where you can and stick to what you say. Good Luck.

Answer 3

To answer your question you are a step PARENT. So even though these are not your kids you need to act like a PARENT. If they wait 5 min and say "look at me doing a cartwheel" you say after your homework is done I would be more then happy too. Your answer must always be a reminder of what they are suposto be doing. When they are done keep up your end. So they come out and are like 'I am finished now (and you have checked there work) say " Now would you like to show me that cartwheel?" If that doesn't work then simply turn the tv off and send them to there room untill dinner or there homework is done. They will pick up after a week or two and then you are in parenting heaven!!!

Answer 4

Wow, you have every right to feel completely frustrated. I am wondering - what is the custody/visitation agreement with the mother? My 8 yrd old has a step mom and we do NOT talk to each other. However, if I were to get even a hint that he was disrespecting her or any other sdult he would be BUSTED. If your husband can take some time (112 hours a week??), he needs to write a contract for chores and behavior for HIS KIDS. They need to understand YOU are the adult enforcing HIS rules. Have a system for punishment and rewards every week. Make sure attitude, talking back and not listening are covered!

Good luck, remember - THEM...US, you are the grownup, they are the kids without the life experience to understand what you are trying to accomplish.

Answer 5

It sounds to me like you're being "reactive" instead of "proactive"; Also seems like the children are very lonely and want attention (both emotional and physical-hugs, kiss on the cheek,etc.); I would sit down with the Father (I don't care if he works 24 hours a day!) and talk to him about it; I bet the kid feels abandoned plus it seems like you really don't want to take on the role of "raising" someone else's child; truly, if the dad works so much, you've taken on the role of his live in housekeeper; The father needs to set the rules and make it clear that if rules aren't followed then there will be consequences; Write down lists for each kid so they know what's expected of them and when; if they don't do it, you should be able to remove the IPOD, TV, Cell phone, etc. and restore some sanity; but truly, you're not the problem here...it's the dad and his interaction with the kids....works a lot of hours? Change jobs because raising your kids properly is the most important job he'll ever have!

Answer 6

Oh sweetie, I feel for you. Especially since their own dad can't be bothered with them.

Oh, as nasty as they are acting, they are very confused and are asking for attention -- even BAD attention is better than none at all. Personally, the soccer ball would disappear until the homework is done for example. How long have you had the kids with you? If this is a new situation, keep doing all you can and hopefully it will get better. If this has been going on for a long time, it is getting time for some tough love. YOU have to decide how tough. Groundings? Removal of toys/TV/etc. Without help, you have a tough road ahead of you. Good Luck, God Bless and feel free to drop me a line via my e-mail.

Answer 7

If your husband works that many hours and won't insist the kids respect you, they need to live with their mom and only visit when he is home. You are not the nanny, you are his wife, a partner in life, and you should work together as a team, and if he won't do that, the kids need to go. No one would take that from their own kids, there is no reason you should have to put up with that from your step children. You can't force them to like you, but they should be made to give you the respect you deserve as a human being.

Answer 8

Just be patient kids are kids. I know it could be very hard, but just let them know they count on you. Try to talk to them and Lil by Lil they will respect you. I had a very mean stepmother I was only 4yrs old when she came into our lives.Til this day I don't call her mom, she never gave me the love of a mother, because she didn't want too. I was only 4yrs i didn't know any better and she could off earned her place in my heart. I don't hate her, but it was tough on me especially me not having my mom who past aways when I was 21/2 and having a stepsister 2 weeks older than be and her mom did everything for her. I don't really care anymore I've grown up, but i do wish she would off been a good friend to me at least.

Answer 9

If my husband worked 112 hours for 7 days, a completed week, I would tell him he needs to find another job so he can be home with family....or he can find himself being forced to do so as I would seperate from him.

As someone said, you didn't sign up to be a single parent nor nanny. I won't stand for that in my life. He can still make decent money to support by cutting back his hours and changing his schedule to where it works while they are in school etc.

If he doesn't have enough time to take care of this, that means he doesn't have enough time for you. If he doesn't have enough time for you, then he doesn't have enough time for a marriage.....techniqly speaking.

When I babysit the kids on thursday nights that I sometimes would have after school in the day care where I substitute, they do the same thing. "One more song on the piano" and run to it from across the house. BUT, I get firm voice, but not loud or harsh and say "No, it is time for bed and counting to 5. If at 5 and not in that bathroom brushing your teeth, I will not allow "fun" time anymore and I know your parents will agree with me." Fun time consist of us having fun playing games like twister, air hockey table, dress up etc. All they are allowed to do is homework and clean room. Then sit on their bed til parents get home an hour later. (ages 7 and 10). I have not had them once do that yet. They know when I mean business. I will say "Ok, one more time and that is it". If they test me, I nip it by letting them know by change in attitude that it is no longer acceptable.

Pretty much what I am getting at is you givie them choices, but choices where they pretty much know which one they better choose or else...(something taken away or however you see fit. I do not see spanking as being fit. but other parents will debate on that). I know my example is different because they are not my kids. But techniqly, those are not yours either and have to find ways to adjust to it as I did.

With out solving the marriage problem, you won't really solve the kids problem. You need his support and his ground rules enforced too.

You have to also take into consideration these kids are going to act out as expressing their void of their father being around.

Answer 10

He needs to spend some time with his kids. Why is he spending so much time at work? If I were you, I would rent a small appartment to live in, and tell him to take care of his own kids. THat may cause your relationship to end, but what kind of a relationship do you have with your husband now?