Parents, if your teen became pregnant, would you send her out of town/state to a private home for girls?

Question

Would a loving residential setting be a consideration you'd make so that she could avoid the embarassment, shame, ridicule and gossip of her familiar surroundings? Would this be old-fashioned nowadays or would you find a home for pregnant teens (16-19) a good idea? This home would provide life skills training, budgeting and financial planning, healthy lifestyle lessons, parenting skills, social etiquette and conversation skills and planned parenthood classes. Your daughter would be required to continue her education, volunteer at a Assisted Living Home and Journal her stay at the Home. This would be her "home away from home" and she'd share a room with another female. They would have housekeeping chores and be supervised 24/7, not imprisoned but not have unrestricted freedom, either. Do you feel such an environment would be advantageous for a pregnant teen? The father of the baby could visit only with parental consent. Families could visit anytime if not interferring with school.

"Sending" her out of town/state only if she wants to go, of course. If the decision was made to give the baby up for adoption instead of terminating the pregnancy, would a loving residential home be an option for her? She would be required to continue her education, attend planned parenthood classes, volunteer at a Assisted Living Home and enjoy social and cultural events, under 24/7 supervision. How much would you pay monthly for her care? She would be taught teambuilding, social etiquette and conversational skills, budgeting and finance and required to Journal her stay while at her "home away from home." Please elaborate as much as you'd like. Remember, she is NOT being forced to go away. The decision is made as a family in her best interest and that of your grandchild. I'm interested in your detailed comments and feedback.

I see that using the word "send" was a poor choice. The question isn't to cast flesh of your flesh and bone of your bone into medieval times for torture because she made a mistake. I appreciate all the answers coming in as it's helping with my survey/research. I have posed the question on a more "regulated" site and have received quite different responses. I'm not looking for answers that pleases me. I want to know what parents think. Of course, I've no idea if parents are answering as well as kids. A more "controlled" study is being done. Keep the answers coming!

For the uninformed, there are many residential places for pregnant teens in the US today, all paid for by your tax dollars. They are for "bad girls." Just so you'll know also, the question isn't aimed at a situation I know of personally. I am sure there are teenagers who wish their parents felt as most of you feel but the reality is, not all parents support their children. Not all parents are good parents, themselves! Thanks for your answers.

Answer 1

the only reason i would ever do that, it because she's giving the baby up for adoption and the less people know about her being pregnant, the better for her to deal with the situation once it is over.
but then this would also be at her consent.
personally, having every mother go through some sort of training this intense wouldn't be such a bad idea in the first place. especially for first time mothers. being pregnant is very tiresome and stressfull.

Answer 2

Maybe, maybe not. I can see both sides of the story. Not necessarily to shelter her from the shame/ embarrassement aspect, but to teach her the life skills that she will need from an outside third party person perhaps. Only if she wanted to and was fully willing to participate, though. On the other hand, you can keep her in school, let her learn to deal with the glares and looks that she may, or may not, get from others because she is a teen mom, and be there to show her what she needs to know. Of course, preparation will be key. Don't wait until after the baby is born to have her start taking parenting classes. Start showing her financial responsibility immediately, etc. and the father should be involved in all this too. He needs to have the same share and responsibility as the mother---it takes two to tango as the old saying goes.
Ultimately the parent needs to sit with the teenage daughter and decide what avenues would be best in the situation. Weigh out all the options of staying home and going away, and determine in the long run what would be the best way to raise the new baby properly.

Answer 3

First I dont think anyone should be ashamed or embarrassed of being pregnant, it happens to teens everywhere and they face it, At a time like this she will need me the most not some place where they will teach her things I can teach her with love or we can learn together. I miss my parents so much now that I'm pregnant even though they live just hours away and I'm an adult just imagine how much harder it will be for a teenager. I would keep my child with me because there are so many things that only moms can understand and nobody would treat her or make her feel better than me. Those people will be strangers to her and I wouldn't want her to adapt to another situation when she is already adapting to the biggest thing in her life having a baby

Answer 4

Although I think all the above mentioned classes would be very beneficial to a pregnant teen...I don't agree with sending her away. She needs to be close to her family, especially her mother during this time and even if the reason for sending her away is to better herself for her future....that's kinda like adding to the shame and guilt you mentioned by making her stay away from everyone. No reason she still can't walk around with her head held high, knowing she is going to be a good mother, a responsible one and that she does have a future in sight. I would be so worried about my own daughter if she were pregnant and I sent her away....after all, doesn't a mother know best? I would share every bit of information with my own daughter from my own experiences and make sure she had some sort of classes to prepare her for motherhood and adult life. She needs good information about living and such but she needs to be shown love and support as well....I say keep her home, tell her not to feel ashamed of her pregnancy and help her to find an organization that can be of help to her in your city. Best of luck!!

Answer 5

As long as they were not being pressured into making a decision like adoption if they were opposed to it...that's what a lot of the homes for young pregnant girls did in the past. They would (And the parents) force them to give the baby up. The father of the baby should not have to have the parent's consent, unless the girl is under the age of consent, and he was over 18. It is important to have the father of the baby involved if they wish to be.

Answer 6

Heck no! I think thats just crazy to be ashamed and send your kid away. Obviously they were lacking in some sort of education or guidance for them to have gotten pregnant. It happens. Sometimes its just a bad decision on their part. But guess what, its 2006. Its not old fashioned as you say anymore. Yes, society frowns upon it, however your daughter should remain at home with her family and her family should see fit that she attends school regularly, goes to her prenatal exams, maybe enrolling in some parenting classes or something.

But to put them in exile basically is just wrong. Thats when your kids need your love and support the most and its no good to just send them away. Face the problems head on and go from there. Dont try to avoid it.

Answer 7

That whole thing sounds like something out of a "Troubled Teen" advertisement.
I became pregnant with my son when I was 16 and I know if my parents had sent me away to some boarding school like that I would of been heart broken. It was a very emotional and troubling time in my life and I know that without my parents love and support I don't think I could of lived through it.
So in short, No, I would never send my daughter (even though I don't have one) away to a place like that.

Answer 8

It is a good idea only if she wants it and its a last resort. But to me who better then the girls parents to be there and help her learn who she is and about real life and to be there when she needs your shoulder the most. And about gossip and embarrassment if she is 16 -19 she's probably already heard some of the worst things possible. But honestly right know she would need her friends and families support and love her every day not strangers.

Answer 9

Are you kidding me? I suggest reading, "the girls who went away" If you want a realistic view of what maternity homes were like back in the day. Avoiding the embarrassment and shame, ridicule and gossip? I wasn;t aware we were still living in the 50's. This question makes me sick, should this girl not be allowed to carrying this baby in familiar surroundings with people who love her, instead of being shipped to a strange place to deal with her "shame" essentially by herself? Yes if she chose it, its a different story, but I can almost guarantee that if a place like this were available today, that alot of parents with antiquated views (read religious views) would be sending their daughters their regardless of whether they wanted to or not. Read the book its heartbreaking, and may open some eyes about adoption and its history.

Answer 10

I don't think that hiding is a solution to any problem. Yes, she engaged in pre-marital sex and yes, she failed to use protection. However, where is the shame? People will gossip about her regardless of what she does in life. So, no, I wouldn't send my daughter away. I would help her face up to a mistake (sex before marriage & unprotected sex), lovingly accept the child (which, btw, is not a mistake), and learn to be a responsible adult.

I do believe the home you describe above is great for girls who are forced out of their homes by parents. It would be a refuge, not to hide them away, but rather to help them with their new role in life.