I don't know what to say...?

Question

I lost a baby a few years ago, and when the subject comes up, the person I'm talking to always...ALWAYS asks, "how far along were you?". I feel that this is nobody's business, and frankly, what does it matter? My baby died...does being farther or less farther along, make it better or worse? I think this question is just about as inconsiderate as a question can be. What can I tactfully, say to the people who ask, "How far along were you?" to let them know their question is very inappropriate?

I can not understand how unbelievably rude some of these answers are. One of these answers actually made me cry. I do not just blurt out to people that I lost a child. The question is usually associated with the similarly rude question of "why don't you have any children?" . My telling people how far along I was when I lost my baby will not help anybody in any way. I really don't understand the insensitivety of some of your answers. I really don't.

Lord Z...You have no contact link, so I'll say this here. You are a GUY, right? Despite your lengthy answer, honey, you really have NO idea what you're talking about. You do not "get over" the death of any loved one, much less a living being that you carry in your womb. And the other question I mentioned is NOT "why didn't you have more children?". I deplore you to please, fully read the questions you answer, and you may want to consider JUST answering the question asked, and not offering advise on something you know nothing about.

Answer 1

Sorry to hear about your loss, really. And just ignore the insensitive comments on here. They don't know you; don't let them judge you or affect you.

As for the people who don't know any better than to ask "how far along," sometimes people just need to be reminded (and pretty bluntly) that they're inappropriate. Simply tell them that that was a very painful experience for you and that regardless of how far along you were, it hurt just the same, and just drop the conversation at that. You don't need to give any further explanation. They will/should understand; and if they don't, that's their problem, not yours.

Answer 2

I think sometimes people don't know what to say. Grief makes people uncomfortable, so they feel that asking questions is better than not responding at all. I'm sure they don't mean to be hurtful or to make your loss sound unimportant. Some people, let's face it are downright nosy. Some people are just nasty.

If it is a friend that you want to keep, I would say something along the lines of, "It is a very painful thing for me to think about or discuss, and I'd rather not relive it". That would also work with anyone. Some of them, though... Honey, let it out! Say something like you just said "It shouldn't matter when it happened. I lost a child, I don't have children. Don't you think this is painful enough? Why should I have to relive my whole pregnancy or justify my pain to you?"

Sometimes, if you know the person is being nosy or rude, it's perfectly ok to say what you think. This will cause one of two reactions. They will either be offended (and so what?) or they will think twice before asking such a stupid, insensitive question in the future.

Answer 3

I am not a woman, so I really don't know why such a subject has to even come up in a conversation, but obviously it does. I don't think it is wise to get offensive about it, as this will not win you any friends. People are curious and I am sure that none of the people that you are having the conversation with mean any harm. To tell them or not to tell them is your decision, but if you just tell them then it becomes a dead issue. If you refuse to talk about it, then the natural conclusion will be that you did something wrong. Hiding information is the surest way to start rumors. I have never lost a child, but someday I might. Today I do not know how it feels, but tomorrow I might. If this is something that you would rather not talk about, then politely explain to the person asking that you miscarried and that it is a painful experience that you would rather not talk about. I am sure that she will be understanding. If she is not and persists on pumping your for information, then this is someone that you do not want as a friend. Busybodies and rumormongers never make for good company. Jesus loves you and he loves your baby. Rest assured that the child rests at this moment in the loving arms of our Lord Jesus Christ for all eternity.

Answer 4

Sometimes I think it is the lack of something to say. So they come up with a quick question or commit without giving it much thought.
My mother in law told me when I lost our baby "it was for the best"
I was so insulted I could have slapped her right to the moon!
Who in their right mind would tell a grieving mother it's best her child is dead??? It really does not matter how far along we were or how old our children are, or what caused their passing. IT ALL HURTS THE SAME.

Answer 5

Breath.

I am not going to try and stir up the bean, so to speak but you need to be given a time out here to take a step back and see what you are missing.

First, there is nothing wrong with the questions you are being asked in and of themself. They are intended to learn more about the real you and not just the you people see, but the you that makes your decision, good or bad wise or foolish. Obviously, the person asking you this wants to know more about you. They may not be tactful in how they ask their questions, but then again, is there a tactful way to ask these questions? What they are looking for is insight into what went wrong, what it felt like, are you over it, (which obviously you are not), do you have any advice for them. You are like it or not an expert on this subject and people will seek out your wisdom on the matter. Sure it is personal but most things that really matter in life are personal in nature. Sure it hurts to dredge up the past but, if you ever want to heal you have to let these thing come out and lose their hold on you. Fear or the past is a crippler. Don't let a bad experience blind you to the possibilities all around you.

Your question is what to say. My answer is the truth. You can say it in any manner you like. The book Frankenstein was written by a woman shortly after her miscarriage and if you read through it you discover that the experience made her never want to have children again. The fact is she shared that with others in her own way. I am sure there is away for you to express yourself without going into details or without dwelling on the subject. This discourse here is a step in the right direction, seeking to find a way to let go of what it is you are feeling and thinking.

The question you are most having problems with is "How far along were you?" That is just a number in weeks or months. I am sure you know the answer. Try saying this "I think it was x number of weeks but I don't want to think about it if you please." then excuse yourself from the room and come back when the subject has changed.

As for the question, "Why didn't you have any more children?" The answer is obvious, "Because we chose not to and we are fine with that decision." believe me i have heard that answer a lot from mothers who decided enough was enough.

Don't let this subject ruin your life. You can deal with it anyway you want to but you should deal with it none the less. You might also want to tke your husband or a family member aside and hash this out, purge yourself of some of the sorrow. When you are done hopefully the despair will be lessened. I especially recommend talking to your husband as his pain must be considerable and he is the only one that can truly hope to understand your pain.

Like I said, this is not to stir the beans. It is to answer your question as best I can.

**REPLY**

You are right I have no contact.

You are also right I said "more" when you said "any".

I am sorry for that miswording, it does not show up when you try and answer the question.

You are wrong however that I do not know of what I speak.

I guarantee you I have done with more deaths than I care to talk about. And yes, I have dealt with a person losing a pregnancy, still born early in the third trimester. I have dealt with children dying as well.

You can insult me if you want but like I said that was not what I was trying to do here.

Obviously you prefer another answer.

I hope it works for you.

Answer 6

You can handle it gracefully a couple of ways depending on how much of your message you want to get across.

The basic approach would be to simply say, "I prefer not to discuss it. I hope you can understand that."

If you want to get across that you feel it's not appropriate at all you could say, "I prefer not to discuss my situation and wish people would be more considerate and not ask unless I bring it up."

One thing though is to make sure you're not bringing up the subject. If you are the one talking bringing it up, you are giving them a license to discuss it with you. Perhaps they're not asking the term because they think it's easier in the first trimester than others but rather trying to a) make conversation and keep it going to show you they want to support you or b) find out for factual reasons.

I'm sorry for your loss. I can imagine it's not something you ever quite get over and can be difficult to talk to others about.

Be well.

Answer 7

Politely tell them that it didn't matter how far along you where, it was still a loss of life.
They are probably thinking (which is sad) that if you were only a couple of weeks or a month that is shouldn't really matter, but of course it does. It was still a God created life growing inside you.
Some things are just not meant to be at that certain time.
Good Luck with the next one

Answer 8

I don't have anything, honey...just that I'm so sorry for your loss. My sister lost her baby this past November and that was horrible. I was there the whole time with her. I was devastated!
Some people have the best intentions in mind but really don't realize that they may be hurting you....perhaps just tell them you'd rather not answer that question. And you don't have to answer anything that you don't want to!

HUGS!!!!!!!

I hope my answer doesn't upset you! If it does, just tell me...or better yet...I'm here if you need to talk!

Answer 9

Something like "far enough" or "enough to be devastated" or give an arbitrary but poignant marker like "we had the name picked out" or "we had the nursery painted, all soft blues and greens..."

People ask because they don't know what else to say; they are trying to make conservation and show interest and sympathy in your suffering. If they've never been in your shoes, they might not be aware of what their words imply (that the baby matters more the further along you are). Take their sympathy for what it is, and try to gently educate them as to the awkwardness of their words.

my condolences on your loss.

Answer 10

Having never been in your situation, I don't really know - but I'd suggest saying you'd rather not talk about it, because it's personal.

And trite though it may sound, I'm sorry for your loss. My mom lost a baby not long after I was born (I would've been older than my baby brother by about eleven months), had a few miscarriages before that, and I know every one of them was hard for her. Unborn babies are love-worthy too.