4 year old with disiplene problems?

Question

I have a 4 year old that I cannot get to mind me or my husband.. he is very rough with his 12 month old brother, abusive to the pets in the house and will not calm down for nothing we have tried every tactic there is for punishment and nothing is working.... any advice???

The only issue that can be a cause is that the younger brother has been "sick" since he was born and spent 4 months in the hospital and is very needy all the time, but I do make it a point to get someone to watch the baby so I can take the older one out at least once a week... I do spend "alone" time with him and let him know that I love him too just as much as little brother

Answer 1

He has probably been feeling pretty powerless since the arrival of his sibling. He was the center of your world for 3 years and now has to share you with a needy child. He is finding power and gaining attention when he is aggressive to the baby and pets. Even though the attention he gets for being aggressive is negative, it is still attention. Find some ways to help him to feel powerful when he is not misbehaving. Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You did that by yourself! You used so many colors on that picture! You ran super fast!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders, great ways to give attention, and will help him to feel powerful in a positive way.

Good for you for taking a day a week to spend with him. Take a little time each day to show him how much you love him. When the baby is sleeping, do an art project, read him a story, have him help you make a snack or prepare dinner. You can also have him help with the baby. He can pick out the baby’s outfit, get a diaper, feed the baby, help with bath time. Tell him he is so lucky to be a big brother. He will be able to teach the baby so much because he is older. He will feel proud of himself if he gets messages like these.

Try and use logical consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when your son misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if he throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If he makes a mess, he cleans it. If he breaks a toy, it goes in the trash. When he is aggressive to the baby or pets, rush to the baby or pets and pick them up. Say things like “Ouch! That must have hurt!” Empathize a lot. Ignore your son. He will not like feeling left out and realize that he is not getting attention for this behavior. Be overly dramatic about it when he goes near the pets or his brother. Say “Oh no! I’m worried he might hurt you. Let’s move away from him where I can keep you safe.” Another thing you can do when he is aggressive is to take him gently to a place away from his brother or the pets (his room, the couch) and say “When you are ready to be gentle then you can come back.” Let the discipline fit the crime. This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling him). He returns when he's ready to control himself. You may have to take him back to the spot a few times before he gets the message. You can do this for many misbehaviors. As soon as he misbehaves, get down to his level and say “I do not like when you (explain what and why).” Take him to your designated spot. Tell him “When you’re ready to (stop, listen, calm down…) then you can come back with us.” Thank him when he behaves. Keep it up!

Empathize with him when he is calm. Say things like “You must have felt really (mad, angry, frustrated, hurt, upset.). What can we do about that?” Give him some ideas about what to do instead of being aggressive. He should learn to better express his feelings.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Pick your battles! Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!

Answer 2

My 4 yr old is pretty much the same, he doesn't listen at all, especially when he is tired. Spanking him hasn't even helped.

With the roughness with his brother and abusiveness towards pets...that could turn out to be a future problem. My son is very good with other children and extremely gentle with pets.

But is it jealousy? Or is he getting the attention he needs from you and your husband? Is personal time being spent with just him and not the sibling? They both need their one on one with you parents. Is he getting enough sleep? Is he watching violent shows or playing bad games? Or could he be ADD or something like that (ask a doc)....

These are all questions and steps you need to take in diagnosing why your son is acting this way. I think not listening is a phase for all young children and I would try to direct his attention towards something else when he's not listening. But the anger (abusiveness and roughness) needs extreme attention from you.

Spend quality time doing something he wants to do, sit and play games involve the little brother as much as you can also, but you need to make sure he's feeling the attention he wants and maybe trying to get.

Even when he's being bad get after him in a calm stern voice, don't yell or scream (which can be hard) but don't make facial expressions or call him names or anything directing negativity towards him. You can try time-out...pick a chair in a secluded spot and tell him what it is and when he has to sit there, then the first time he's bad don't give him a second chance just automatically sit him in it (he's 4 so this is gonna take A LOT of work on your part, cuz he's gonna fight it) when he gets up, spank him one time on the butt tell him to sit, when he sits like a good boy and doesn't make any sounds then he can get up and play...he's gonna keep getting up, keep swating him and sitting him down (he's gonna cry and this will hurt your feelings) don't argue with him just repeat what he needs to do, he will eventually get tired of fighting and realize this is a bad experience and does not want to go through it again. Of course he will have to and again no second chances, that first time acting up, sit him down. You can try any method you wish. Hope it works out

Answer 3

You need to start being really strict with him and FOLLOW THROUGH WITH WHAT YOU SAY. alot of parents say they've tried everything, but really when they did try they didn't follow through. so if you tell him you're going to ground him then you ground him. Give him only one warning. And spankings are not a bad thing. After he is punished ask him if he knows why he got in trouble and then explain to him that he can't do something like that again. Take away toys and things that he likes to play with until he can learn to behave better. But you need to get your child under control because if you can't control him at that age then there is no way you will be able to control him as he gets older. You are the parent and you are the boss. Make him do some chores around the house like picking up his own toys. If he refuses then make him. Take him by the hands and assist him in picking it up. He's four and old enough for some responisbility. Giving him some responsibility may also give him a sense of worth and sense of value for his things. Try this and see what happens. Remember to follow through and show him your the boss and he can't always get what he wants and intimidate you. If none of this works, then I suggest getting a hold of supernanny or nanny 911 to help you out. Let me know how things work out!

Answer 4

Get the book "Super Nanny" from the ABC show. It has tactics to use to get kids to behave. Was he like this before the baby was born? If not, he is probably jealous. Try spending alone time with him. Have your husband watch the baby and take your son out for a couple of hours to like a Mommy & Me type class, zoo, mall. Have your husband do the same.

Answer 5

this is going to sound silly but you should watch super nanny a few times. I let my son watch it with me he calls it the bad kids. But the show has showed me a lot of different ideas for disipline that I would of never come up with. ITs worth a shot. I make my son stand in the corner and depending on what he does he gets certain toys taken away and has been grounded of the tv a couple times. Its all about being consistent. You have to stay consistent and no matter how much it bugs you to see him cry just remember if you dont control him now it wont ever happen.Good LUCK

Answer 6

Oh sweetie i feel for you! My oldest son was the same way, I tryed EVERYTHING under the sun. I thought he would just grow out of it. Nope, I remember I had to leave him with my mom just to run to the store. And NO one in my family would babysit him because it was just to hard on them. Then @ the age of 5 they (Doctors) told me he was ADHD and put him on MEDS. Don't make the same mistake I did. He went through mood swings and his physical health was in jeopardy. Finally I winged him off of the MEDS @ the age of 7 and put him in counseling. The councilor worked with him and I. As parents we do the best we can and it's hard to think that 70% of the problem is with the way we discipline the child. I learned that in order to change his behavior I needed to change my way of disciplining him. After so many years of being tired and just giving in. Then when we started the exercises given to us was HELLLL! He fought and fought to bring me back to the same old comfort zone he was used to with me giving in. But I stayed strong and after about 2 weeks things started letting up and only got better from there, and for the first time in 8 years me and son are closer than ever! Good luck! I will keep you in my prayers. Just call and get him evaluated it can't hurt anything or anyone.

Answer 7

If he is this much of a problem at 4 it is your fault, start with some parenting classes. He sounds like a serial killer in the first stages. You should take steps to curb that negative behavior now it will only get worse at age 5. If all else fails get you a good leather belt and get that behind

Answer 8

Take everything out of his room except his bed. No tv, no playstation, no computer, no toys. Tell him that he will be rewarded for being good by getting back one toy at a time. That really opens their eyes. I did this with my 4 year old and it worked like a charm! It sounds harsh....but works!

Answer 9

Keep after it, and dont give up. Whip him, send him to time out, something that he HATES to do, make him be nice to whatever he was just mean to... and dont give up.... if your consitent about it, then it will end up working... you might seek out medical help for advice on what to do, maybe its mental and he is having a hard time adjusting to the new baby?

Answer 10

I think you might want to call a child psychologist and don't be fooled into thinking that some "miricle drug" will cure your son. The problem might be a lot deeper than that.