My girlfriend was raped six months ago. What do I do? Please help...? --Continued?

Question

Ok so here is the deal. I have been dating this girl for around 4 months now and I can honestly say that I have never loved anyone more than I love her. She is a very sweet, innocent girl. Anyways two weeks ago she told me that she had been raped earlier this year. It happened around January of this year. She had wayy to much to drunk and was raped by an aqueintance of hers. Prior to this incodent she had only done very minor sexual things. She did not tell anyone because she was afraid of what people would think and whatnot. I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I keep telling her that she A. needs to tell her parents B. needs to go to counseling and C. needs to go to the police. How do I convince her to do these things? I just am very upset because I know this terrible thing happend to her and i cant do anything about it. I just want to know what i should do? I would appreciate anyones imput on this, including those with experience or professional opinions. thanks

She keeps telling me that she just wants to forget about it and move on. That she put it in the back of her mind a long time ago and wants to move on..

-it is extremely overwhelming for me but i feel that there is no way i could ever even think about leaving this girl
- also there is no way tha she made this up to cover for early virginity loss or is exxagerating anything, she would not do that
-I am furious about this and am trying to control my anger because i know that first and foremost i need to be there for her, i would sure like to find out some info about the aquentince but i dont want to push it and make her more upset

-thank you for your help, does anyone else have any advice?

Answer 1

do it 4 her

Answer 2

Leave her alone. Speaking from personal experience...

Depending on her age, she may be too young for therapy yet, I tried it when I was 16-20 and I didn't have the life skills to absorb anything.

26 now, I have a better understanding and am able to cope and am working through it well. Talking about these things at a young age can and does only stir up more bad stuff and may drive her over the edge and she may end up in bad shape (in a lot of ways).

Rape victims almost always spontaneously blurt out their horror when they're ready, so DO NOT pressure her to tell anyone else, if she told you, that's a big step already and she will move forward in her own time.

I will say however, the one thing I regret more than anything is that the sons-of -b*tches got away with it because I didn't report it in time.

All in all, it is her body and the worst thing you can do is pressure her.

Answer 3

Wow, you have a tough road ahead of you. I was raped at 15 by an acquantince after having too much to drink on vacation. I can understand her fear of people knowing. I was a virgin up until that night and I never wanted people to think badly of me or that I had somehow asked for it. I am now 27 years old. I have never told my parents, but after I graduated high school, I did seek counseling. The best thing that you can do for your girlfriend is to let her know that you love her unconditionally. That means you will love her even if she chooses not to tell people. My boyfriend actually got me into counseling by gently encouraging it. Not by pushing me or giving me ultimatums....he just let me know he loved me regardless and it turned out to be the best thing for me. It helped immensley with the feelings of guilt and self loathing that I had. Like I said, I never told my parents nor did I tell the police. I later found out that he raped a 13 year old later that same year and was sentanced to 5-10 years in prison. I live with the guilt every day that I could have saved it from happening to another innocent person. All I can say is just love her. With no rules or limitations. She has to deal with this in a way that she is comfortable with and when the time is right....she will do what is right. Good luck.......

Answer 4

Rape is a horrible crime of violence and violation. I'm sorry your gf had to experience it. Right now you have to respect her feelings in this matter....after all it happened to her not you. At the present time here is no value in telling her parents - it would just needlessly upset them. Reporting it to the police is useless because too much time has passed and there is no evidence. Suggest counseling but only if she wants it. Most women just want to forget the incident. I know you are feeling frustrated, angry and helpless at the moment plus a whole bunch of other emotions. Your gf took a big risk in telling you about this. Think of her first. This is a huge test of character for you - try to be the man you should be. I'll ask one thing of you....if ever you decide to split up with this young woman, don't tell her it was because of what happend to her (even if it is). Good Luck - oh and if you ever find out who the guy is - beat him to a pulp with a baseball bat then shove the bat up his a5s....don't get caught....

Answer 5

Going to the police for her won't do any good unless she will talk to them herself which doesn't sound like something she wants to do (for whatever reason). Don't push her to do something she doesn't want to do. My guess is that the reason she doesn't want to go to the cops or tell her parents is that she doesn't want to re-live this terrible thing that happened to her. The suggestions you made to her are the correct ones to make but she has to be ready. You didn't mention how old you are but if you are young she might be afraid to talk to her parents for fear of punishment or ridicule. Which is a real concern. I too have been raped so I know what she is going through. Just let her know that you are there for her and you will help her through it all. Let her do things on her own time. Maybe suggest that you would be willing to take her (or even join her) in therapy sessions. Burying things deep inside isn't the healthiest way to deal with things but it sure is the easiest. You can't change the past. you might want to check the "statute of limitations" in your city / state. the statute of limitations is the window of time that you have to report a crime it will probably be between 6mo - 5yrs. Let her know that because she may be ready to report it in a little while. Good luck I hope it helped.

Answer 6

It sounds like you really care about her alot and she is lucky to have you. I think that if she had really put it in the back of her mind and wanted to pertent that it didn't happen, then she wouldn't have said anything to you. When people are raped, they often feel like it is somehow thier fault. You should talk to her about it and convince her that she is not the one who did something wrong, the creep that raped her was wrong. She should get some counseling. She probably would not feel comfortable talking to her parents about and I really don't see how that would help her. As for the police, I think she should so that she could possibly keep him from doing it to someone else and also teach him a lesson. But she will probably get a lot of grief from him and all of his friends for doing it and I not sure it would do any good because it has been so long. It would be her word against his. I seriously doubt there could possibly be any evidence after six months. It is not easy. I had to testify when one of my friends got raped because I was the first one that she told about it and his attorney dug up dirt on me and all of our other friend to try to make us look like liars. Good Luck and remember it is her decision, not yours.

Answer 7

Well unfortunately at over 6 months ago I don't think going to the police would be productive at all. Also why do her parents need to know about this?

Counseling might be a good suggestion, but it sounds like you're the one having more of a hangup about this than even her. Don't push her into anything but if she is having issues then counseling is the best option.

Answer 8

She really should be able to speak with you openly w/o you getting upset, if you get upset when she speaks of it, it will make her feel worse. Yes she should have reported him, but there is still a stigma against rape victims in our country like we were looking for what happened. Which is completely untrue! Yes she does need to speak with her family about this, cause no matter how much she doesn't want to deal with it the scar will always be there. Just be supportive of her and give her time, we all deal with these things differently.
CT

Answer 9

I would say that if she is telling you she is not ready or willing to report this then you should respect that. It sounds like she told you because she feels close to you and wanted to "get it out" sort of speak not do anything about it. It sounds like you really care for her and are trying to help in any way you can. Sometimes women tell men something because they need to talk about it and they are not looking for a fix. It sounds like she just needs you to listen and understand not fix this for her. You sound like you have a good heart and I think the best thing you can do is respect what she is telling you and do not discuss it unless she brings it up. If she continues to bring it up then she is not forgetting about it and at that point you should encourage her to tell her parents and/or seek counseling.

Answer 10

at this point in time any one would question if she was actually raped, an SAS kit can't be done, there is no longer any evidence of it happening, they might even think she may be lying about the situation seeing she was drinking and that does change how you act in any situation. if she really was raped she should have done something the next day, she should seek counseling and yes she should tell her parents but it is a questionable situation seeing how it has been so long. any chance of criminal prosecution has been lost because of the time span there is no longer any evidence of a crime

Answer 11

the most important thing you can do is keep letting her know that you support her - she does need to tell the police and her parents and should see a counsellor, and I would keep encouraging her to do that, but make sure you are not pushy. Keep telling her you are only suggesting for her to tell others for her own good, to help her move on. You can try asking her if it would be better if you told her parents and the police for her, but DO NOT do this unless she tells you it is ok, otherwise she will only feel betrayed.

good luck