Defiant 10 yr old step daughter refuses to let you help her look presentable for school...what to do?

Question

She argues with you about everything. Even what the caculator says is wrong when you use it. You decide to start picking your battles, letting things go unless it's a safety issue. Today she gets angry at you before you start on her hair and won't let you do it. Her bio father is already at work. It's your job to get her off to school. You tell her, Fine, style it yourself. She finishes it and has an uneven part down the middle, lopsided pig-tails hair all over her head. She knows it looks bad. You offer to fix if she will apologize or ask you to redo it. She is to stubborn to do either. At first you feel empowered by not engaging a power struggle with a 10 yr old. However, when you take her to school won't people think you must be a nelectful, intoxicated or uncaring step mother to send your child to class with a what appears to be raging bed-head?

Ivory_Fla why do I have to "apologize to her for being controling". I told her that if she didn't want me to fix her hair that was fine and on that day I would only assist if she treated me with the same respect that I give to her. (asking for assistance or apologizing for being disrespectful). I look at some of these answers and I know why America seems to be going the way of Rome, Egypt, Soviet Union and other legendary failed empires. Oh and I'm a step mother not a mental punching bag, not a shrink, not giving machine. I was raised by a mother who would of beaten my ***, treating me the way this kid does AND she would off taken away my dolls for a week AND made me go to school with messed up hair to boot. Also, ppl stop assuming that she and I don't spend hours together doing all kinds of activities that she likes, that I haven't bent myself into a pretzel trying to bond with her, understand her, love her. I'm starting to think THAT's the problem. I've been TOO accepting!

Answer 1

Her Dad really needs to step in here. Maybe he could take away some of her privileges until she becomes more cooperative. It's natural for her to resent you as her step-mother, most kids do. But she should still be expected to treat you with respect. Let her go to school with her hair like that. Kids can be cruel, she'll get made fun of and will think twice about being so stubborn next time. Contact her teacher and let her know that you chose to let her do her own hair rather than start the day out with an argument.

Answer 2

First off congratulations for taking on a roll that by nature isn't your own.

Now on to the 10 year old. She most likely is just doing what all pre-teens are doing. Learning to assert her self in things that she can control versuses things she can't. It isn't a matter of step parenting its simply a matter of growing up. Yes she may resent the fact that you took over what should be her own mothers job but its not top most in her mind I would bet.

Let her do her hair crooked part, lopsided pig tails and all. This gives her a feeling of "It's my choice and I will decide what can or can't be done to my hair". If its a choice of running into the street and possibly being hit by a car that is a different matter. If she wants to wear the same clothes she wore yesterday fine let her. She will eventually see that the other kids will say something to her and she will be more self-conscious about it. Don't pressure her to do things your way or she will rebel even more.

Don't try getting dad involved either, that will make her fight you even more when he isn't around. Try asking her for her input on things that she should be able to decide for her age, such as color of clothes, not style unless you and father approve of it before hand.

If there are step children(yours and hubbys, or yours from a prior) in the household spend some one on one time with her, go to the book store, the ice cream place, McDonalds or anywhere it can be just you and her talking about her and don't argue with her. Let her know its a time for letting each other know whats on your minds and make sure 'YOU" don't disrespect her feelings.

Last but not least, if you feel other people think a certain way about what is going on remember all mothers of girls this age are thinking the same way, and perhaps you could start up a parents group from those at school who feel their girls are giving them grief too.

Answer 3

She is trying to find her independence. Let it go. So what if the part is uneven. Sometimes are best lessons are hearing it from someone else and not family. She'll go to school and some other kid will say something and it might make her more conscious about it. We all know kids can be cruel. My son would put his socks on and pull them up w/shorts. This made me cringe. he fought me on this but I figured its not that big of an issue and something is gonna be said. Well, he pushes the socks down now. Deal w/the more important issues like her academics. Just remember...practice makes perfect. Get over what others think. We all go thru it and we cant live our lives the way others want. Every kid goes thru differant stages. The other day my 5 yr old got her self dressed and the shirt was buttoned uneven. LOL but I let it go and said good job honey..you did it all by yourself. She was so proud of herself. I didnt even mention it was uneven because I dont want her to become self concious and lazy. I want her to learn to do for herself. Heck..leaves more time for me to get myself ready. Have a talk w/her and encourage her and let her know your sorry for being controlling. She might even say...I need help this time.

Answer 4

"However, when you take her to school won't people think you must be a nelectful, intoxicated or uncaring step mother to send your child to class with a what appears to be raging bed-head? "

This isn't about her. This is about you on this topic. You are worried what others will think and judge you. Which you are taking it out on her thinking she has to be "perfect" the way you want her to be. Not the way she wants it to be.

The only time I judge a parent is if they allow their child to walk in the classroom 1) smells like urine 2) extremly dirty. Minding you it is 8am, no child should be dirty at 8am that quick 3) bruises with signs of child abuse 4) their attitude towards the child (mean, hateful etc).

As far as hair goes, grow up. If she wants her hair to be un-even, then that is her issue. Not yours. She doesn't tell you what to do with your hair when she doesn't like the way you did it.

Giving her a "reward" for her apology is something you will learn to never do.

If she apologizes, do you want her to mean it or do you want her to do it just to get the reward?

This has nothing to do with power. This isn't an issue of power. Her hair and old enough to decide what to do with it. If she wants it to look like cra.p, then she will suffer the consequences of teasement. I 100% she will change it at school whether you re-did it or she gets teased.

I see a lot of adults with bad hair does. I don't go up to them to fix it. Maybe they want it that way.

She argues, you do too. Seems like you both are too stubborn to budge. There fore, you two collide. She is your mirror.

Answer 5

I am the mother of an 11 y/o girl and step mom to a 10 y/o girl. They are both at the start of "that" time.. so not only are they struggling internally with their body's and independence, they are trying the boundaries.
My 11 y/o used to be a "girlie-girl", wearing pink, dresses and let me do her hair. Not sure what has happened, but she wears nothing but black, blue, sweats and does her own hair. I wish I could change it, but she needs to feel like she has her own identity.
As long as she is clean, showers every day, and hair is combed/brushed, I'll let her pretty much do things on her own as long as she is not looking totally inappropriate - then as a parent I must step in.

Good luck - it will only get worse as they get older - testing us.

I try to remember the hell I put my own mother thru and realize that this is all an awful payback!

Answer 6

Dad needs to step-up. Not to get involved and to be a go between but to spend more time with the family. There are deeper issues involved and you need his input. Letting the child go to school with messed up hair is no big deal and even weird outfits. The issue is to make her go and don't offer to help right now she doesn't want it and is being stubborn. You don't need the aggravation. Its a battle of wills and at ten her will is very strong. I have a ten year old daughter and I can tell you it isn't just step-moms who go through this. Make sure you get some one on one time with her though or otherwise this will be just the beginning and you don't want that. Leave the hair alone and don't reward her attitude just drop the issue it does no good and is giving you to much stress.

Answer 7

I think the step issue is causing trouble and you need to seek counseling. You don't have a single nice thing to say about her. Most parents would mention the love they have for their child, but you just rant and complain.

I'm sure she's testing you. And you are failing. Let her style it that way. Give her a few days of going to school and being made fun of. Then she will want to find a better style.

Or you can offer to take her out to get her hair done. A mommy and me day. Go through magazines and let her choose a fun hairstyle, or give her options to choose from. Too short for pigtails. Then get the hairdresser to teach her how to do it every day.

Rather than pointing the finger at all of your daughter's mistakes and issues and problems, learn what I teach my kids. You only have control over YOU...how you handle a situation, how YOU react to it, how YOU treat her. You can guide her, tell her what to do, encourage, but in any life situation, you are only in real control of YOUR actions/reactions to others.

What can YOU do to make the relationship better?

What can YOU do to avoid arguments?

What new changes can YOU make to heal and improve how SHE feels about YOU.

Answer 8

Let her go to school and be embarrased. If the teacher asks you about it ..tell her what is going on and don't feel guilty. Sounds like she is angry at having a stepmother....is this a fairly new marriage ??? If the situation is new it will take some time for her to adjust and accept you. Talk to her and let her know that you care about her feelings and that you want her to know that you love her and care about her and are not trying to replace her mother but that you would like to have a good relationship with her as your stepdaughter. Then let her sort her feelings out without pressure. She will come around sooner or later.

Answer 9

Just let her do things her way. It really doesn't matter and this is a chance for her to learn to make her own decisions and learn about consequences (such as being teased at school). At this age she will soon figure things out for herself. Kids need to be able to make decisions about themselves...it is a learning process and the more they adapt to making decisions on their own, the better prepared they will be to make more important decisions later like saying "no" to drugs. Don't be worried about what people will think about you when you take her to school looking like a wreck. When my daughter was ten she hated washing her hair so she often went to school looking pretty greasy. She's 15 now and for the last 3 years she won't even go one day without washing her hair.

Answer 10

I have the same problem with my 10 year old.She brushes her long wavy hair and when she's done it looks like a rat's nest!! At this age they want to be independent, let her do it and tell her that kids are going to tease her if she goes to school like that! You're the boss and you tell her that they won't allow her to keep going to school like that,you must look neat. I showed my 10 year old the school handbook because it got that bad with the not brushing the hair the right way and I said " read this section about how children have to have good hygiene" and that solved that problem quick!! If that doesn't work take priviledges away, you're are boss!! Tell her you love her and you don't want her to look like "Orphan Annie"!! Good luck!!