Paying For a Wedding?

Question

I am getting married June 14, 2008. My mother and father are divorced, but are both paying for most of the wedding, like porobably 75%, if not more. My question is, my fiance doesn't talk to his father at all who is divorced from his mother. He talks to his mother, but we're not thinking that she is going to contribute anything, or if she is able to. My mother, who I am not sure is being unfair, thinks that there is 20 months to save mony at least to help, if not to pay for the alcohol and rehersal dinner. Yes, I do have 3 people paying compared to his one that might help, but I dn't know what to do. My mom thinks that if they are paying for most of it then they get to invite more people and all that kind of thing. I am not marrying my fiance because his family has money, but I do think that it isn't fair for my parents to foot the bill for the whole thing. What do you htink I can do or should do so that this doesn't get out of control???

The Bride's parents do pay for the wedding and the reception....I know that silly. The groom's parents usually pay for the alcohol and the rehersal dinner....at least in Western PA where I am from....

My fiance and I ARE going to contribute as well, my thing is that I want him to have all of his family there too, but why should my family pay for everything???!!!

My family isn't putting stipulations on the money they are giving.....I am basicially just wonderng if people think it is fair for the groom's family to pay nothing.....I know that when my kids get married, boys or girls, I will contribute....that is just what you do...

Um my fiance does care about all the details, I got lucky. I understand everything that people are saying, my mom isn't controlling the wedding though at all. Maybe I made it sound that way, but she isn't. I am marrying him regardless, whether his family contributes or not!!!! I give all of you credit for paying for your own weddings....but I've never heard of that where I am from....the parents pay for it, that is just the way it is....so no more answers about me paying for it all....thanks

I honestly cannot believe that people think I am being SELFISH!!! My parents believe that that is what you do, pay for your daughter's wedding. I didn't ask at all. Maybe I am lucky and that is perfectly fine by me, so rude comments need not be placed. Thanks for all the people who answered the question at hand.

Answer 1

Congratulations! I am getting married on June 2, 2007. My fiancée and I are paying for 90% of the wedding and are doing the planning ourselves. We are both more financially capable of handling this than out parents. I am very involved and truly understand the stress you are undergoing.

Traditions are nice, but let’s deal with reality. Nothing is set in stone; the rules are no longer "hard & steadfast"! Maybe 10 years ago, but now both families share the "burden" of paying for the wedding. Also, the bride and groom and contributing, just like we both are.

If your parents are paying the bulk of the bill, they should dictate how their money is spent and should have a say when cutting the guest list. I could understand wanting the groom's family to be in attendance for the ceremony, but if they can't contribute to the reception I think it is acceptable to exclude some of them. Look at wedding etiquette guides or ask a wedding planner, most will agree.

I also agree with your mom. They have like 20 months to save some money to help out, it's a matter of being fair & equitable (not to mention good taste). I don't think she's being controlling.

You will receive well meaning advice and ideas when planning a wedding, but ultimately the decision is yours and your fiancé. Take all of the advice/idea under consideration, and do what you feel is best.

Kind of like reading all of the answers to your question.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

I would say that your husband to be should really sit down with his mom to see can she help out a bit, if that is what you want. Even though etiquette states that a brides family should pay for most of it, that is a tradition that doesnt apply to all situations. It would be nice, but it doesnt happen like that. If his mom is unable to help out- or if he adamently refuses to talk to his dad, there is nothing you can do about it. If it becomes a hassle about guests and the amount everyone can bring, and if money is still an issue, i would say that you should make your wedding a small intimate affair with an equal amount of guests if possible. There should be no reason why your family should pay for 100 of his guests (or whatever number) with absolutely no help.

I would also say that you and your fiance should kick in some to cover what his family cant. Some families arent close, or financially able to, pay for things. I know you mentioned you will be adding your own funds to the wedding pot to help pay, and thats a great idea.

The thing is- if his family wont contribute or cant- like i said earlier, there is nothing you can do about it. I wouldnt hold grudges, but i would be very select on the guests who would be invited from that side. (like no friend betty from church soccer league whom youve never met...lol)

good luck!

Answer 3

This was an issue for me and my wife as well when we got married. We got married right after turning 18 (we dated since we were 13) her parents didn't approve so they decided not to pay anything on the wedding, my parents said they couldn't afford the whole thing, so My wife and I said "fine, we'll alope" If its a financial hardship, your parents will say fine, no problem. if its not and they really want to see their daughter walk down the isle, they'll do as much as they can to get you to get married there. After they say "boo whooo we want it here" You say "fine, then if its going to be here, you're going to stop being controlling or we'll get marred elsewhere" You have to understand, a wedding is for two sets of people, the bride, and the parents. If you want to get married, with your husband to be and the wedding isn't as important as being married to the one you love, then you might actually think of aloping.

Its not like what the vegas weddings are either. you can go to several places that are beautiful "private cerimonies" that are like a honeymoon and a wedding in one. they've got cabins in the mountains somewhere(I forget where) where you can get married in a beautiful open air chapel in front of a mountain lake and its relitivly cheap. I had a coworker who went and brought back the most beautiful pictures, I think she said it was only about 1500 for a week and the wedding.

Just something to kick around, good luck to you and your husband to be, parents are all assholes before a wedding.

the girl above me adds a great point, don't serve liquor and beer. A dry wedding ends early, no fights, and no weirdos you barely know end up comming. your friends and loved ones will stay no matter what, but beer is like a loser magnat, you'll attract every loser in both families, and they won't leave until they can't walk. loose the boose.

Answer 4

I think your Mother is right there is 20 months to save some money if you dont have it all in one go - and the offer of paying towards something (from his mother) would be nice, both our Mums paid for the reception many years ago and we didnt have to ask them it was there choice. As everyone was talking and giving advice we decided to get them together to discuss the arrangments and this is when they decided, why not invite them all over for dinner - your parents and his mum - so you can discuss everything and then see how it turns out - as its clear that your Mum and Dad are paying already I guess your plans are in full flow - how much of this does his Mum know about? it could be shes feeling left out and doesnt know what to do to help. Your Mum isnt being fair though saying they should be able to invite more people because they are paying more - there are two of them and his mum is on her own so they have to consider this as well - and its down to you and your partner who comes not your mum.

Answer 5

If his mom can't afford to pay for a rehersal dinner, then you and your husband should. In today's society things aren't like they used to be. Traditions aren't rules. Tell your folks that they are being a little bit snobby if they push the issue. I would suggest having a cook out as a rehersal dinner, that way you may be able to save a little money and it will be nice and intamate. Also, if you can do it cheaply enough, your groom's mom might try to pitch in for the cost of food or decorations.

Answer 6

First of all, if one of your family members are helping pay for something, they are being generous and it is a gift to you and your fiancee. However a true gift comes without stipulations, expectations, or restrictions. It's not uncommon for one side of a family to have more money, or be able to pay more towards their childs wedding, but that doesn't mean they can expect more, nor does it mean that they can have more influence than others (including you and your fiancee), nor does it mean that the child whose family is contributing more money should be upset.

Secondly, you and your fiancee will become husband and wife, creating your own family, or one big family. In essence, your parents will become parents to him as well, and vice versa. Try and look at this all from a different perspective in that both of your parents are parents to you both for the rest of your lives. Then, all the money or gifts are coming from the same place.

Good Luck....and don't forget that it's Yours and Your Fiancee's day, and no one elses.

Answer 7

It is traditional that the brides' family pays for the wedding and the grooms family pays for the rehearsal dinner, but times have changed and neither is obligated anymore.

The best way to not hurt anyone's feelings is to approach the wedding as if you were paying for it yourselves. Since your parents *have* committed to paying for their side (meals, etc.) they aren't limited to who they can invite. If your MIL2B has not commited, figure out how many plates you can afford for his side of the family and tell her how many she can invite. If she doesn't agree with being limited, explain to her that this is the most people you can afford to feed at your own expense, but that if she will contribute the difference, she may invite however many she feels necessary. This is fair.

Chances are, even if you DO pay for most of his side, you'll get all that money back in gifts, including what you spent on the rehearsal dinner.

Answer 8

It sounds to me like you're concerned about ending up stuck in a very bad place. You don't want his family to get stiffed by not being able to invite many guests, but you don't want your family to get stiffed by footing the whole bill.

I agree that it seems unfair for your family to pay for most of the wedding. But honestly, neither family has to contribute at all. It's wonderful of your family to offer so generously, but it's acceptable for the groom's family to not pay as much, or at all.

Many people consider it rude to ask for money. But in this case, you might want to ask his mom if she thinks she might be able to contribute to the rehearsal dinner and alcohol. That will help you figure out how much extra you need to save. But, it is rude.

As for the guest list...your mom is always going to think that she gets to invite more people because she's paying more. It's a general belief in wedding financing that the one with the largest pockets gets the largest chunk of the guest list. Why not ask her what she means by "inviting more"? 10 more? 50 more?

Also, if you have more close family and friends, then it's perfectly acceptible for your parents to invite more people. As long as your groom gets to invite family and he isn't left cutting out best buddies so that your mom can invite a coworker, I don't think it will be a problem.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 9

i don't know what the fuss is all about. if his mom can't pay for the rehearsal dinner & alcohol & your parents are already contributing what they can, or what they want; then you & your fiance should pay for the rehearsal dinner & alcohol yourselves.

that's what my hubby & i did. my parents don't drink much & don't believe in heavy drinking so we didn't feel as if they should foot the bill for all the alcohol we served (we had an open bar with beer, wine & spirits). plus, the groom traditionally pays for the rehearsal dinner. we changed the tradition & both of us paid for the rehearsal dinner for the entire wedding party.

and it isn't a question of what's fair or not, your parents chose to pay for your wedding & traditionally that's what the bride's parents do anyway. this doesn't mean they can invite more than his mom does, because the wedding is for both of you equally, regardless of whose parents contribute more financially. tell your mom that the next time she mentions being able to invite more people than your fiance's mom does.

Answer 10

I understand you feel shocked from seeing people's responses about you being selfish for not paying for you own wedding. But you have to understand, nowadays, most couples pay for their own wedding and they feel thankful from those who help out with the expense. But you should never consider think of asking anyone to help pay for your wedding. Technically you're being influence by your mother's opinion. And I'm sure you love your mother to listen to her. Just don't let other people's opinion influence your jugdement and decision making. Talk it over with your fiance, don't let the money issue affect your relationship. If his mother cannot pay, big deal. It says a lot about the relationship between your fiance and his parents. They just aren't as close as you with your parents. Just be thankful that your parents are there to help you out. Congrats btw!