I've spoiled my children!! Can you "unspoil" your children?

Question

Yep, I did it! I must admit...along with their grandparents of course. I didn't have much growing up. I make good money now and try to give them things I needed and wish I had when growing up. I've noticed, however, that my 10 yr old doesn't like sharing (especially with her younger sister who is 8). Every time I turn around they are asking for things as if money grow on trees! I actually told my younger daughter that and she responded saying "well mommy, money does grow on trees. Isn't money made from paper and paper is made from trees." Somtimes when they get on the phone with their grandparents, they'll ask, "do you have something for me?". I don't want them to grow up always expecting people to buy them something.

Answer 1

Normal for kids to want, want, want. Hard part is teaching them about money.

They're old enough for you to sit down and talk about household finances, especially in general terms. If you don't have a pile of real money handy, get some pretend money. Set it in the middle of the table and have them count out how much is there. Then tell them what bill amounts must be payed- mortgage/rent, utility, grocery, car payment, gas for the car, clothing money. They'll see how quickly it goes.

In my experience, once our children started amassing a small fortune in their own accounts (20, 40 or 100 dollars), the less they were willing to part with cash, especially when they had to choose between that new game and their stockpile.

Actually helped keeping the boys uninvolved with dating. They work hard for their money and would rather spend it on speakers or something for their cars, than on a girl who might not last as long as that Chevy.

Answer 2

Start unspoiling them NOW. I'm a true believer in telling children REAL reasons (i.e. "Why can't I go to ______'s house?" "Because I haven't met there parents, and I don't want to put you in an unsafe environment.") Tell them the true reasons. When they ask for something, say "You guys sre becoming spoiled. You may not understand this now, but you will when you're older. If I buy you everything you want, you will grow up thinking you can get everything you want. Other children don't like spoiled children who can't share, and other kids won't be friends with you if you can't share."

If worse comes to worse, tell them you don't have enough money to buy anything.

Whatever you do, you have to do something now before it gets even more worse. So either way, they will be better off no matter how you say no or explain things.

Answer 3

Everyone likes to make their children happy so don't give yourself a hard time. Talk to your folks about the children's manners and get them to support you in this after all it's not polite to ask for things. Have a list of chores that they can get paid for doing. This is ours;
50 cents to feed the cats
$1.00 to clean the toilet bowl
$3.00 to clean the whole thing
$5.00 to vacuum the car out
$10.00 to wash the car
$15.00 to mow the lawn.
Notice that there is no money for cleaning their room or making their beds. Everyone does housework for nothing and they need to learn that otherwise they will grow up and live in a pigsty. (my kids, not yours). If they want $$ they can earn it. Then shopping takes on a whole new level of fun! Plus working for reward is good for their self-esteem. Find jobs that you are happy to pay for and work alongside them until you know they can do it on their own. Don't fall into the trap of paying for a half-arsed attempt. If the work isn't done to your satisfaction then training needs to resume. Don't worry about the sharing, they are very young and eldest children are often challenged when it come to sharing. My big bro still can't do it and he's 48!! Lastly, find an activity that you can do that doesn't involve $$$. My boys are the same age as your girls and they really enjoy a couple of hours in the kitchen baking for school lunches or a cake for a family birthday. The local library is an excellent source of kids recipe books and it has the added bonus of being free. Plus baking promotes sharing as there is nothing more rewarding than having someone compliment your cooking. Your kids sound really smart (money grows on trees, Ha!) and you come across as a really conscientious parent, your kids are going to grow up just fine!

Answer 4

it's going to be really tough to unspoil them, but I don't think it's too late at 10.. if you wait much longer though, you're going to be past the point of no return! being spoiled is sort of like an addiction for children.. if you make them quit cold-turkey, they're going to be in for a lot of pain.. (which will cause you a lot of pain).. so I would suggest gradually weening them off of being spoiled.. and make sure the grandparents understand the plan and are willing to follow it.. just gradually start buying them less and less stuff until eventually you give them very little.. I hope this works! good luck! :)

Answer 5

You know the answer. STOP BUYING THEM STUFF. Food, clothing, but every time you go to a store I bet they think they can beg or whine their way to getting something...every time.

GIve them an allowance and a set of chores. No chores done..and this is key..no allowance and they get a punishment. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Allowance is 100% good. It teaches them to hold onto their money and save for what they really want. IT also teaches them to say "This toy is junk. I'm not spending my money on that." It also teaches them the value of work, the value of taking care of what they have.

The other key issue is this. If you take them to a store and they start begging, you NEVER EVER EVER give in. Say no. Then tell them they can get it with their money. But every time you give in they will BEG MORE and HARDER the next time. By saying no, then giving in, you are teaching them the value of BEGGIING. That you are a doormat and all fluff and wont stick to a no. Why would they learn the value of their savings if you spent your money on something they don't feel is good enough to spend their money on??

Answer 6

This ain't going to be easy. Expect tantrums and storms at first as they will naturally expect things to go on as before.
How would you feel about holding a family meeting and describing how you feel about this situation and ask them how to change things around?
If you are going to do this, you need to be consistent, and that applies to everyone including the grandparents.
Suggestions for how to go about it.
Explain how things like asking the grandparents if they have anything for them makes you feel. Explain when things happen, not later. For example 'When I hear you asking grandma if she has anything for you, it makes me worry that you only phoned to get something from her, and that makes me sad.'
When they ask for something how about applying the 'Do they really need that?' rule. Ask them. Suggest they buy the item themselves if you feel they don't need it, and suggest constructive ways of earning the cash if their pocket money does not cover it.
There is a book called Siblings Without Rivalry that might help.
You are doing the right thing. Spoilt children are not happy. They become hard and cynical and resistent to discipline. As a result they can grow into apalling teenagers too, completely unable to understand where their behaviour might be leading them.

Answer 7

It's hard to undo what you've done 10 yrs down the road...but good that you've become aware of the problem even this late. In order to change their behaviour you have to change yours and make sure your husband supports this, as well as your parents etc. I suggest talking to a behavioural therapist. The kids have learned just what buttons to push to get what they want, they have trained you since you didn't train them. The therapist can give you solid ideas that have been tried by others that they know work, but it is going to be HARD. Breaking a bad habit is 3 times as hard as making good ones, even when you want to do it yourself, more so when imposing it on a child who can't understand why they have to change when they LIKE the bad habits you allowed them to form. Finding out they are not the centre of the universe will be outrageous to them, so get ready for lots of screaming tantrums. Family dynamics will have to be changed in just about every aspect of your life. Get some help and support, don't think you can just do it on your own.

Answer 8

I have done the same thing by giving them what they want every meal. The first thing that you must do is get a backbone. Saying no to your children does not mean that you do not love them. In eight and ten years, they will experience real life. They will not be able to get everything that they want. You are preparing them for the future. Do you really want to raise children who act out as adults for something that you can change now?

Answer 9

Well, it's nice to spoil the children, but now it seems they are expecting something at every turn. You may have to get tough and change your actions. Children need to learn they cannot have everything they want. You should figure out the way to do that on your own or they will continue on as they are. Good luck on that one.

Answer 10

I completely know how you feel. But its not to late at their ages. You have to start now teaching your kids about money! What worked with mine was to put them on a strict budget. Only if they do their chores do they get allowances. And what they want must come from that preset amount. Your a great parent and a great parents job is to teach them the things they will need for adult hood. Also play monoply with them great way to teach while having fun.