Should I come out to my Catholic parents?

Question

I come from a catholic family which does believe gay people will go to hell. I am a closeted gay and I want to come out but I'm afraid of what wll happen. My parents and I have a very good relationship but a lot of it is based on me living up to their expectations. They'd probably diswon me once they learn I can't make them any grand children. Coming out to my parents would be hard enough but then there is also all the friends and relatives I've been lying to all this time how can I ever face them? Is coming out worth risking losing every relationship I have?

Answer 1

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.

secrecy and lies are cancer to intimate relationships. if you stay in the closet, you will have to hide many important parts of yourself, the relationships you form as you look for your "family of choice," and your feelings about your parents' attitude. recipe for major resentment and estrangement.

when i came out to my parents 6 years ago, i had no idea that my dad was gay and that it was a major issue in my parents' marriage. that's right. dad had gotten married because of social pressure, including from his southern baptist family of origin. he really thought that if he came out everyone would reject him and, when my brother and i were little, he feared that he would lose custody of us (a valid legal fear in the 80s). when i came out, it sounded the death knell for my parents' marriage. dad came out a few months after i did--at first just to us, then to friends and even to his parents, who after all of my dad's fear didn't have a huge reaction. tragically, daddy also developed cancer and died last fall. so he was only "out" for about four years, much of that time during which the (nasty) divorce was going on.

if i had known that all hell was going to break lose, would i have been more hesitant to come out? absolutely. if i had known what was going to come, i can't imagine the trepidation i would have had about making my announcement. but, do i wish that i hadn't made it? no. my mom had a really hard time accepting my orientation (varying from disappearing behind an emotional wall to bad fights) but she has come around after all this time. she has also remarried, and being with a partner who is attracted to her has obviously done a world of good for her. and i'm so grateful that my dad got the opportunity to be himself and know that my brother and i, his parents, his friends, still accepted him. life is very short--too short to fool around pretending to be a different person than you are in your most important relationships. i think about all of the waste in my dad's life--the years that both of my parents could have been happier, in healthier relationships, if they had been able to cut the losses of their marriage and he had been able to come out.

when you are grown, ultimately your parents need the connection with you more than you do. they may have a huge blow-up, but i think there's a very strong chance that over time they'll get over it. and the relationship will be stronger for your honesty.

alternatively, think about if you lived your whole life careful to keep them from knowing, and then they died. wouldn't you always wonder if they would have kept on loving you if they had known? when they are gone forever, there is no way to know.

from a different angle, a birds-eye view, our invisibility complies with the political discrimination we face. when you come out, your parents are going to have to deal with all of their feelings about that---and as that happens all over the country, in family after family, and people realize that gay people are people that they love, they aren't going to be able to continue enacting the public policies that discriminate against us and the lives we build.

good luck. bravery is feeling the fear but doing the right thing anyway.

Answer 2

I come from a strong Catholic family - I even went to Catholic school. While no one can tell you what to do, or even what the best option for you it, I believe (in the end) being open is the key. Keeping something like this a secret could (eventually) show your parents that you are ashamed of this, regardless of whether you are or not. Or, worse yet, it could give your parents the sense of you falling away from them for an unknown reason, which is (it appears) clearly not what you wish to accomplish. Honestly, many Catholics are now slowly turning toward more open views on homosexuality, and while there will always be those that oppose alternative lifestyles, there are many more who seek to understand and accept. Perhaps you will be pleasantly surprised by them? In any case, you must step back and weigh your options. Come out, and be happy being yourself whether or not it is accepted by all (which is something many of us encounter), or keep it a secret and be unhappy for what could be a long portion of your life. It's your happiness, don't let anyone make you feel as though you aren't entitled to being the happiest you can be, whether that means being with a male, or a female. I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 3

No one can answer that but you. You know your family. Personally, I think you'd feel a lot better thant carrying this around, living a double life. If your parents trully love you, they will come around. Give them time to adjust. Put the guilt on them. "If you trully love me you will understand what I am about to say." THis will make them think before they speak. It will be a lot to swallow at first. But with all the other things you could be, (ie, alcoholic, druggy, prostitute, etc). If you're a good person and can function in society, they really should be thankful. Most guys in your position don't live to tell their parents. You need to see you are not a bad person because of your sexual orientation. Hey I'd rather my kids be gay than dead. Knowing how I am, ( and I am catholic, so I know what you're takling about), I would be shocked but still keep my home and open arms for my kids. Love is all you need.

Answer 4

I think it is best to be honest with people. If you are gay, then you need to tell your parents about it.

The US Catholic Bishops came out with a message for parents of gay children called "Always Our Children" that might be helpful for your parents to read. The mesage can be found at http://www.usccb.org/laity/always.shtml

Following is just a little bit of the message:

How can you best express your love—itself a reflection of God's unconditional love—for your child? At least two things are necessary.

First, don't break off contact; don't reject your child. A shocking number of homosexual youth end up on the streets because of rejection by their families. This, and other external pressures, can place young people at a greater risk for self-destructive behaviors like substance abuse and suicide.

Your child may need you and the family now more than ever. He or she is still the same person. This child, who has always been God's gift to you, may now be the cause of another gift: your family becoming more honest, respectful, and supportive. Yes, your love can be tested by this reality, but it can also grow stronger through your struggle to respond lovingly.

I will be praying for you. Contact me if you need someone to talk to.

Answer 5

I think you should tell them. They should love you no matter what. I'm sure it may be hard for them at first but they will get over it. My grandparents were devout Catholics and I had an uncle that was gay. I don't think my grandfather knew before he passed but I think my grandmother always suspected it. I think you will feel so much better after it is out. You are carrying this around and it is going to bring you down if you don't open up to them. I wish you the best of luck. Keep your head up and be proud of who you are. We can't all be what mommy and daddy want us to be. Just because you are gay doesn't mean you aren't a good person, you just have a different preference for partner. I'll be here for you!

Answer 6

Yes, you should be honest with the people who love you.

You are not the first and will not be the last who has to do this difficult task.

Remember the Catholic Church believes there is nothing sinful about being homosexual. But homosexuals like all unmarried people are called to celibacy.

The Church specifically says that homosexuals "must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided."

With love in Christ.

Answer 7

sounds to me that you are beating yourself up pretty darn good.You dont need anyone else helping.

I would say this to you , there wil lcome a tiem when you KNOW it is right to say who you are and how you feel.Since you are asking this question , I belief you are done hiding and want to let them know. SO tell your parents the best way you know how.Sit them down and explain to them your believes and let the mknow you are beating yuorself up about it and cant keepdoing so.Let them know you are gay and that you wish for them to except this fact and hear their side of the issue.Once it settles down , they will still love you and the rest of your family will settle into its routine given time.if not then the those who want to hold a groudge will be the ones blowing the relationship not you.

Good Luck and I wish you the best.

Answer 8

you just have to think of what is it you would value more. Do you really want to live your life secretly and lie to everyone you kno? Would you rather have everyone know who you are? If your parents are loving and your friends are good friends they should see that you're still you, just that you like the same sex. They shouldn't reject you. Also, with time, all truth is shown, so wouldn't you rather tell them yourself instead of having them find out in the most horrible way?

Answer 9

I would bet a million bucks your parents either already know or strongly suspect. Give them the respect of being honest with them, you are grown now (I assume) and your life is your choice, embrace your sexuality whatever form it comes in and don't live in the closet any longer. Parents have a way of loving you no matter what. believe me.

Answer 10

Who's life are you living, yours or your parents? I feel that it is time for you to come out of the closet. The love of your partents will over rule, if you truly have a good relationship with them.

Answer 11

Hi, from what you say it seems like coming out to your parents would not be a good idea. They are set in their ways, nothing can change that, so why upset them? Why especially risk getting disowned by them--cut out of their lives? It would only make everybody miserable, you and them. If they, or anybody else, cannot handle the truth there isn't anything to be gained by giving them the truth. So I advise against coming out to them.