Is this normal?

Question

I was married at 15 to a very abusive man mentaly and phisicly i Just this past year left have been separated almost a year. After 11years with him . I find myself very cold .when it comes to hugging and kissing i feel so uncomfortable . I have a guy now this really upsets him .I do really have feelings i just feel very akward expressing them . When he touches me I flinch I do not mean to.

Do you think it has to do with the ex

Answer 1

its normal to be that way after so long in an abusive relationship , we always say forgive the situation never forget the lesson , this takes time problem because his affection was a way of making up for his actions. Your partner will work threw this for you if he loves you . Time heals and it wouldnt hurt to go to a few classes or support groups so you can help heal yourself your not alone and it helps to be with real people who have been there and are healing too ,you deserve to have good things happend for you.

Answer 2

I would say that it has everything to do with the Ex. Why did you marry so young? That may have been mistake number one. Once you are mentally abused by anyone it takes a long time to get over it. Maybe you should see a therapist so that you can talk it out so that you are not so timid. If he physically abused you maybe you are afraid that this guy will do it to you too. You should not feel uncomfortable with the new guy I think that when he touches you that you have back flashes of what used to happen. If he is a nice guy he will understand what you are going through. Please do yourself a favor and find a Group for battered women so that you can get over this. I know that the hurt and humiliation may not go away right away but give it a try hun it can't hurt. Good Luck

Answer 3

Yes your reaction to years of abuse is normal ......that won't make it easier it may give you some comfort in knowing your reaction to an abnormal situation is "normal"

Abuse over a long time is a hard thing to "get over" and here is more bad news it will be with you forever .....That is not to say it is going to affect you in a negative way forever.

Wanting space phisically or flinching will disapate and it will go away but you will find that over the next few years there will be triggers that cause you to react as if you were in the situation all over again.

These triggers don't have to make sense in any logical way but with some thought they will or might in an emotional way. For instance you may hate the type of clock and become angry every time you see it - It may be the last thing you saw the first time the first husband did xyz - Makes no sense in a logical frame but it is your association.

Every one is different that way and so only you have the answers.

Try looking up Post tramautic stress disorder - Try to give yourself time and extra time on top of that is you think you need it for anything and everything

Beaware that abuse somtimes becomes "normal" for the women involved and when it is gone they sub consiously look for it and repeat bad relationships until they realise what they are doing.

You can do nothing about the past and good or bad it will always be with you but how you choose to react to it is all up to you - and don't worry about feeling the way you do just realise that your in control there too You are in control but that does not get you off the hook for feeling like crap from time to time

Good luck

Answer 4

I know exactly how you feel..I was married for 101/2 yrs to an abusive man. I too flinched when another man touched me in any way. You are not ready to be with anyone yet. It took me 8 yrs to finally have the right person in my life and you will know believe me.. Cause that person will break down that wall that you have built up around you. It will take him minimal effort to do it. But if he continues to try and succeeds you know that you are with the right person and you know you are ready for a chance at a new and loving relationship. If you need to talk I am here . Feel free to contact me. I have a lot to offer as I said I was there my ex was abusive physically and mentally and also a crack addict on top of it all. I hope you can get through this.

Answer 5

After 14 years in an abusive relationship, I experienced similar problems. After 2 years of trying to deal with it on my own, I finally started seeing a therapist. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself. She helped me learn how to deal with all of the feelings I was experiencing. I was actually diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Six years later I still have triggers like being touched in a certain way that cause anxiety but I can deal with it now because I know he can't hurt me any more. She helped me to build the self esteem he had taken from me. I had let him define who I was for so long that I hardly knew myself anymore. I am now happily married to a wonderful, understanding man. It has been hard for him at times, but he loved me enough to stick with me through it all. Time will help you to heal and it will get much better. Be careful and don't let yourself get into an abusive situation ever again. It can be very easy for someone with our history to do. Think about what you want out of life and who you want to be and make it come true.

Answer 6

I would have to ask about your childhood because I think this is where most of these feelings start. Do you think you are introverted? or just withdrawn? I think you might feel too pressured. Therapists can usually bring these feelings out in the open by time and trust in their ability and experience. You might feel other can't relate to your experience. You may have repressed memories but may basically know what started them if from some form of abuse or neglect. I was diagnosed with Schizoeffective disorder. That's fun to deal with all of your life.It's supposed to be curable though or manageable.One thing you might try is connecting the dots like tracing your steps thru your life about certain people or places smells or times of the year. Songs can also mark a period of time to recall things also.Be your own detective. Do you have panic attacks too? I think this is a clue to repressed memories. They say the truth will set you free and in a way this is closure to deal with it in a safe place and time. I found for myself was to have some alone time and space from other people so I could think or meditate. (connect the dots) Good luck finding your buried cure.

Answer 7

Hard work will put calluses on the hands. The hands have to adjust to hardship. First comes painful blisters, but then calluses form. Now the hard work which used to be hard on the hands is now tolerable. Verbal abuse and physical abuse is painful. It is hell on earth. Eleven years of it. My God! You are still shell shocked from that experience. Of course you are. Anybody would be after that abuse. This new man has expectations and you honestly cannot meet them, not yet. You have been traumatized and it will take time to heal. You are truly not ready for a new relationship, not yet. You know that too. It would be nice if you could afford counseling.

Answer 8

yes it has everything to do with the EX....and its totally normal to have these feelings with your new guy, (the term gun shy comes to mind here). I would really investigate more the feelings that you have, and maybe try counseling to get over being this way to your new guy. If you don't do something to try and fix the way you are acting to him, he may either A: get tired of it and leave you or B: stay and try to work through it with you.....the best thing you can do is share your feelings with him, tell him what you went through in the past and help him try to understand. That way you two can work together to get you trusting he wont hurt you like the last. Good luck!!

Answer 9

Maybe your uncomfortable with yourself.Maybe your insecure and need medication.It would be hard to get over someone you spent basically your life with then threw it away.Not only to have memorie's of them when you are with someone else.It would be pretty awkward if you have only been away from your ex for a year and started dating again.It take's time to recooperate.Love yourself hun.be open minded.Tell him how you feel?He wont reject your opinion's.An abusive person by chance will damage your heart and your self esteem.This guy could be the right one for you.You dont need an abusive man who is gonna wreck you of your life.Be genuine and wise follow yoru heart.

Answer 10

Its normal to flinch with man's touch at this point and it will atke you a while to get over it....you may never get over some of it, but if this guy really loves and cares for you he will be patient with you and stand by your side. I also suggest therapy or counseling for what happened to you before to help get over your traumatic experience with the @sshole. I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope things get better. i went through it too, but not for that long. Mine was for like a year and a half and I decided to take charge and get the hell out of there.