How do you deal with a bossy mother in law?

Question

My mother in law is the boss of everything including her 11 grandkids. My sister in law doesn't let her run her family, so my mother in law has endless bad things to say about her. The whole family gangs up on her! I like her and feel bad for her. How can I stand up for her with out getting ganged up on as well. Her husband is a momma's boy and doesn't help the situation. What can I do!

Answer 1

My mother-in-law was queen of her roost, and her sons could do no wrong. She actually told my sister-in-law's mother that an old girlfriend of her other son was the only girl the boys brought home that she ever liked (including me). How rude is that? Anyway, I just made a point to never say anything bad about her to my husband, and always vented about her to my own mother. I made allies of the other "out-laws", and we were able to share stories about how awful she was with each other.

In the meantime, if she is doing things or criticizing your parenting and it is undermining your control at home with the kids, it's time to limit her access. It's ok to put your foot down if her interfering is harmful to your relationship with your kids.

At the end of the day, she's probably gonna be gone before you are, so there may be some latitude you can give her, but bad behaviour is just plain bad behaviour, and you DON'T have to take it.

Be brave, girl!!

Answer 2

Definately let your sister in law know you are there for her... Don't let her push you around... and try taking a subtle approach to fending off your mother in law... If she's attacking your sisinlaw, maybe ask if maybe she could take it up with her personally and quit dragging others into it. Or maybe compliments to her in front of the rest of your family... like "Your kids are so happy, you really are a good mom" stuff to make sure you think she's doing well without directly argueing with the motherinlaw... same in your own defense.... "Boy I most be a great mom to get such big hugs" or "I'm so glad to be the one that makes (husband) happy, I feel so blessed." Use tact, and it's never a bad idea to pat yourself on the back... "That is some delicious gravy, if I do say so myself" My exmotherinlaw still tries to be that way.... I just let it roll off and make sure I tell the girls how good they are and point out how it's no accident, it's me! Drives her nuts, but what can she do? Say I'm wrong, that they aren't? Then everyone will know she's crazy.

Answer 3

Think about what you said: your sister-in-law is bashed by your mother-in-law because your sister-in-law runs her own family and does not allow her mother-in-law to take over. Don't you think that makes sense? Other than your smart sister-in-law, your mother-in-law acts that way..because she can and nobody stops her. Why are you out to defend her ruling everyone else's roost? Even more, this is an issue the children of the mother-in-law need to address, not the people that married into the family. I wouldn't deal with it. People like her can cause divorces in families. Instead of ganging up on her, her children should meet with her and tell her she is causing serious conflicts and needs to stop domineering everyone's lives.

Answer 4

The best thing you can do is not to allow your mother in law to bad mouth your sister in law in front of you. When she, or another family member, says something bad, you say "I don't want to hear your complaints about Jane. If you have a problem with Jane, you need to take it up with her, not me." If they persist in their objectionable behavior, even after you have made yourself very clear, then you just leave the room when they start to say bad things about Jane.

You have to realize that Jane has her own reasons for marrying and staying with a mama's boy. She may be getting some kind of perverse satisfaction out of this whole family dynamic. If she should ask for your advice, you need to be honest with her about how you view the situation, and tell her that it's unlikely the mother-in-law or family is ever going to change. How she deals with that is up to here. Some possibilities are keeping a distance from the mother-in-law, getting counseling, confronting the mother-in-law, moving out of state.

Your main role is to protect your own dignity, and not contribute to the problem. And, of course, you need to protect your children at all costs. If the family gangs up on you, that's the price you pay for your maintaining your dignity and integrity. Because there really is nothing much you can do about this situation.

Answer 5

This is a tough one - and will continue to cause major friction for a long time. How does your husband feel about it? Does he back you up when his mother says these things to you? I would try getting your husband to approach her on her own (and not straight after there has been an incident) and tell her that she is undermining his and your parenting confidence, and that while you respect that she has raised three children - all children and parents have different ideas. He could also tell her that you would both like her as a resource and that you will ask for help if you are needing it. Hope this gives you some ideas - it is tough because your husband will have really divided loyalties on this one. P.S. You might want to point out to her that baby walkers are no longer recomended as they delay walking (because they walk on their toes in a walker) and they are a major cause of head injury in children.

Answer 6

Be honest and frank with your Mother in law, but pick your battles...many of her knit pickings are probably not worth addressing. Ultimately it should be the husband to address his mothers intrusion. For your role....next time there is a gang up session...let them know you are not comfortable and that you think your Sis-in-law is doing just fine with out their bitching.
Also offer your support and empathy to your sister in law hopefully you can get a good laugh at it. Mother-in-laws who show that behavior often do so because they feel left out and unappreciated...give her some compassion...that can never hurt.

Answer 7

Tricky one, aren't families great? Rather than waiting until something bad is said in order for you to respond maybe when your talking to your mother in law you could just mention something about your sister in law. For instance you could say "oh wasn't it nice of (sister in law) to do that" or mention that your sister in law made you laugh or helped you out. Although it's not tackling the sitiuation head on you will be able to gage how your mother in law would react if you stuck up for your sister in law. Hopefully she would also get the hint that you dont want to be a part of her bullying.

Incidently mother in law is an anagram of 'woman hitler', how true is that lol.

Answer 8

Well I also Don't have the worlds best mother in-law she doesn't even call or come by to see my 2 girls but she sure in hell would go see the other 3 kids from my sister in-laws just talk to her 1 on1 and let her that they are your kids and your going to run your household and your kids the way you want to and who cares what she has to say because no matter what she will always have something to say because it's not her doing what she wants.

Answer 9

Maybe one thing you can do is just go to your sister-in-law and tell her that you like her regardless of what everyone else thinks and you r there for her. Then try and build that friendship up. After that try telling your mother-in-law that when she was married with kids she did not want her mother-in-law/mother running her family so she should treat your sister-in-law the same. Tell her politley. Try to show her that there family needs her help occationally but not all the time and that They need a chance to run the family for themselves. Tell her you appricitate her help and so does your sister-in-law but its time to step-down. i hope this helps.

Answer 10

OUCH!
My best advice, if it is possible, is to do it in front of as many people (not just family) as you can. I know this sounds risky and before doing so you should consult the sister-in-law to make sure she wants your support. When you do it make sure it is right when she is over stepping the boundaries of grandparent. Be polite but inform her of your concerns and your reason for waiting so long to advise her of her mistake. But make it clear to everyone that you and your sister-in-law are not backing down. You may be surprised how many more will follow. (though probably not right away)
PRAY PRAY PRAY it is always best to do this first.