I posted this in "Relationships, but I thought it applies here too:
I've been with this man for 7 years. Since I was 16. He's very "mentally unstable" He choked me a year ago to the point I passed out, he's attempted suicide, he's extremely overbearing and oppressive. How do I find the strength to leave him for good? I've already told him all of this and he called me begging and crying saying he knows, and he'll change. But I've heard all of it before. He'll never change. But how can I get him to see that we are not compatible anymore and that we must move on? It breaks my heart to see him in such pain. I'm afraid I'll go back just because I feel bad for him. Any advice?
He's been in and out of psychotherapy and meds, but won't stick to it.
2006-09-21 07:11:40 · 31 answers · asked by Spookshow Baby 5 in Health ➔ Mental Health
First of all, you are not responsible for his actions. Whether he attempts suicide, threatens to do so, or threatens your life, you are not at fault and you did not do anything wrong. Second, you have admitted that he is mentally unstable, you have told him that you are going, so stick by your guns. He is not healthy to be around, and will only pull you down with him. Third, as women we like to change or fix our men, thinking that if only we can do a little more, he will be better or love me more. This is not true at all, especially in this case. He is not willing to change, or stick with meds and psych help, so there is nothing you can do to fix him. Fourth, find a safe place to be for awhile. Live with family or close friends so you won't be so vulernable if he shows up. Have an accountability partner that will badger you to get out there and enjoy life and not allow him in your life. I agree with making a clean break and getting a restraining order if you need it. Think about what is best for you, not him.
2006-09-21 08:02:36 · answer #1 · answered by ht_butterfly27 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is probably manic depressant from the sounds of it. If you stay with him, he will not get better. They are the type that will take the medicine and make the promises and then the next thing you know when they think they are under control (because of the meds they took) they will get off them and not keep their promises.
He has already proved to be the type that has no problem about harming you or hisself. You are not responsible for him but you are responsible for your well being. If you can leave the area you are in do so. Pack it up without him knowing it and leave. You can send him a letter from within the city but do not give him the slightest hint of where you are going and ask everyone you know to not tell him either. If you have to get a restraining order.
2006-09-21 07:25:07 · answer #2 · answered by rltouhe 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Saying you would be happier without him, might not be the way
to put it. At least not to him. That's probably why he's messed up
in the first place. Someone constantly degraded him, like a
parent, or sibling.
Don't say negative things to someone like, "You DON'T do
this!" And "You NEVER do that!" Tell them "THEY CAN!"
Myself, I try to love others. And if I can't have a real love for
them, I try to help them find someone who can. The trick to
sustaining any kind of relationship, is to be WITH someone,
while NOT being with them.
Go out TOGETHER, but be around OTHERS. That way, if
it doesn't work out for you, you will know who to help your
friend move on to.
If they won't be sociable at all, and are too possessive. And they
won't seek counseling. You have to break it off COMPLETELY.
By the way. Medications can make one worse. It takes some
experimentation unfortunately, to find the medicine that is
compatible with a persons body chemistry. And even then,
one doesn't want to be dependent on meds.
The human being is made of body, mind, and spirit. Eat
right and exercise. Associate with postive people, and the
spiritual aspects of joy and peace of mind will follow.
2006-09-21 08:45:35 · answer #3 · answered by Tegghiaio Aldobrandi 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have you been to a psychologist? if you have not, go to one now. I assume you have come to this site out of desperation. You are still harboring feelings for this sick person. I suggest that you go home when he is not there and pack a bag for a few nights and phone a friend or a family member whom you can stay with for a while. Tell this person (the one that you want to really end things with) that the relationship must end. If you still love him romantically, these are things that you can work out with with your therapist, you need to talk to your loved one about them in a healthy way and maybe you can then work them out. Perhaps couples therapy might work also. Don't worry about hurting him. You need to worry about you. This may end up quite badly, you being hurt the most if you don't leave NOW.
2006-09-21 07:24:02 · answer #4 · answered by steffy 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
make a clean break and don't go back, no matter what! and there won't be any easy way... when he's gone one day you could have some friends come over, pack up as much as possible, say screw the rest and just go.. and be ready to go as far as to get a restraining order, because until he finds his next girl to focus on it'll probably take that.. I'm recommending this way solely because you've tried the upfront method and neither one of you are strong enough for that it seems. but props for trying, and good job on realizing you need to get out of this relationship. .. one more thing.. if you have a cell phone and email ... change them...
2006-09-21 07:18:15 · answer #5 · answered by pip 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Get yourself in couseling and make a clean break. If possible you might want to get a restraining order. Try and go as far way as you can to heal. I was in an abusive marriage for eight years and had four young daughters by this man. I lived in MD and made a clean break filed for divorce along with a restraining order, and moved to Minnesota. I had nothing but my daughters, thier stuffed animals, some clothes and one pair of shoes. We made it and four years later I am still not financially secure but I married the love of my life and he loves my daughters like they are his. As for my ex...he has been in a nd out of Jail and mental institutions. It is his loss. Don't go back. Please.
2006-09-21 07:24:29 · answer #6 · answered by Christina W 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's really hard, and it's not going to feel good for awhile, but you have to remember that you are responsible for yourself and you have the right to not be held emotionally hostage by someone else.
When you break it off, you have to really mean it, and go. Stay with people who make you feel safe.
He'll probably threaten suicide and say that he'll change but you have to stay strong and stay gone if that's what is best for you. He's not being considerate to you, you don't owe him the same.
Tell him it's just not working for you anymore, you've done your best, it's time to separate.
You're doing the right thing.
2006-09-21 07:24:19 · answer #7 · answered by vicvic* 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He has you right where he wants you.....
until you decide that you had had enough.
Girl he needs to get a life and stop sucking the life out of you, stop feeling sorry for this person. I do not want to sound harsh with you but I have had enough losers in my life to choke the life right out of me. Get a protection order from the police if you have to....move on and do not take his calls, make it a clean break, that is the only way...Good luck
2006-09-21 07:22:28 · answer #8 · answered by Annie R 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Well if you dont want to end up in a coffin, might as well run out of there the sooner the better. People like that never change, they have mood swings and you never know what to expect from them, they are happy one minute and they want to kill you the next. I suggest you moving away from him the further the better, when he is at his nicest talk to him in calm well manner voice. Talk to him about not breaking up but taking some time apart from each other, tell him you are not sure of what you want at this time anymore but if its meant for the two of you to be together you guys will be. See how he takes it. Good luck.
2006-09-21 07:23:22 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
Gather your strength, be honest & upfront with him & leave. Change your phone numbers & email. The only way you'll get free is to just get out of the relationship & have no contact after. You will not be responsible anymore for anything he does. Good for you for recognizing that you need to move on from this unhealthy relationship!
2006-09-21 07:20:14 · answer #10 · answered by jamieinreno 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋