When do you think the line should be drawn with a family member?

Question

My wife and I are at odds with her daughter who is my stepdaughter. She is 17, dropped out of school in 9th grade, doesn't work anymore, disrespects us, is dirty, parties 24/7, etc. My stepdaughter and I got in a huge fight little over a month ago and she got thrown out. She was staying at a friends but just got thrown out of there too for the same bullshit. Now my wife says she might let her come back home since she thinks my stepdaughter won't have anywhere to go and feels bad or something since that is her daughter after all. I say that I won't live in a household like it was before and that my stepdaughter has to get a dose of real life. This circus with this girl has gone on for years and now we don't have to deal with it anymore legally since the cops say she is of age not being in school. Do you choose to bring her back in and probably risk the same crap as before or do you keep her out and hope that she learns to change?
p.s.-i also have impressionable 12 yr old stepson at hm

well we've tried bargaining, compromising, and negotiating with her plenty before. but it never works so that's why you have to play hardball with her. we've tried therapy, counseling, etc. and she was even on juvenile probation before for truancy (nothing happened obviously since she dropped out at 15 or 16) and for terroristic threat (stabbed our bedroom door screaming she was going to "get" my wife). the last straw a month ago was i took away her precious telephone to maintain some order and she threatened to kill me or have me "hurt" and then a few days later she started running her mouth to me again while the wife was out of town and escalated from there to where the cops were called. the line has to be drawn somewhere and i feel now is the time after all that we've done for her and all that has happened and since she's of age. plus my 12 yr old stepson is a good kid who i'm worried will watch and learn from his b*tchy older sister.

we've had my stepdaughter tested numerous times most recently about a year ago when she got arrested for that terroristic threat on my wife. she's not bi polar but has a social (not biological or mental which meds are for) disorder called oppositional defiant disorder which basically has no published therapies or medications for it since it is basically, according to professional sources, a psychological term for someone who can't follow rules or get along with people.

Answer 1

Your wife needs a second dose of reality. Apparently, your wife still thinks your stepdaughter deserves another chance and to be fair you should go along ONE more time.
-Set house rules in the presence of all household members and ensure all members understand their individual responsibilities and that after an infraction by your stepdaughter she will be asked to leave.
-Your stepdaughter should be asked to work fulltime if she is unable to go to school. She is expected to pay some bills (cable, utilities, etc.) since she wants to live in the "real world" and she should assume she is a roommate who must pay her equal amount of the bills. Impose a curfew and tell her what is acceptable behavior since you do have a 12-year old stepson who is also learning what he can and can't get away with.
-Inform your wife that you are willing to give your stepdaughter one more chance and make both the stepdaughter and wife feel as if the pressure is on them from Day One to conform to the house rules of a NORMAL family.

Answer 2

Tough love. IF she is to come home according to your wife, lay some stiff ground rules and have them enforced.

BUT PLEASE....if she agrees to abide by these rules, make sure you can treat her as if she has a clean slate...no bringing up the past. As hard as it will be, she will go back to "the circus" just to spite you if she feels attacked from the get-go. With as much as you've told us, I would strongly recommend a FINS petition (Families In Need). This is a court document you can get from any attorney or juvenile probation office. It puts legal consequences to the rules YOU lay down such as a curfew, spontaneous drug tests, disrespecting adults, etc. The consequences can be harsh (boot camp, detox, etc.) but keep in mind, this is probably you and your wife's last chance before she is accountable as an adult and you have Absolutely no say over her. And both you and your wife will need a huge release if she comes back. Join a sport, make sure you have well-established resources and friends to help let off steam when this teenager tries you again and atgain. Don't take the bait.

ALSO, please get her counseling or in a mentoring program. She could have extremely low self-esteem, depression, or be bi-polar. Bi-polars are often quick to get addicted to substances and are high risk takers. Knowledge and meds can help significantly if these things play a part in her behavior.

Answer 3

Tricky Tricky question, I think as a parent one of the hardest things to practice is TOUGH LOVE. Some times that's the only thing left to try. You and your wife have a responsibility to the son also, remember children learn more from what they see than from what they hear. The both of you have several ways you can go it will be a hard choice to make. Just what ever choice you make, make it to gather! Lay down the law to her let her make the choice if she wants to abide by it and come home, if she does hold her to it reward her for good behavior and take away for bad.
You could just leave her on the streets and then you know for sure that would only make her more of a bad egg not to mention the sicko world we live in and how dangerous people are.
Don't you wish children came with a manual and a recipe book? that way you would know what to do step by step...lol..lol.

Good Luck in your choosing.

Answer 4

i have been exactly where you are, let me tell you , it's no picnic, and about the hardest thing that i have ever done. but it payed off in the end. don't let her come back unless she follows the rules and respects you. if she messes up , show her where the door is. she is smart enough to figure out that either she makes it on the streets or she goes home and lives by your rules. encourage her to at least get her g.e.d. and to do something with her life. my oldest ended up going to prison, but only because i had to turn him in. it was either that or he would be dead living the life that he was living. now he is home after 4 yrs. in prison, he is in school for diesel mechanics and is doing great. i booted him out when he was 17, he is now 31. sometimes it takes a while but he finally grew up and is taking responsibilities for himself. hope this helps. and do a lot of praying , thats the only thing that got me through it all. PRAYER. good luck and God Bless

Answer 5

Sadly, this is probably your wife's call. She is the biological parent, so she has the most pull. If she chooses to let her back in, it should be with a written contract that states the rules, including rent. Your wife and she need to sign it. It needs to have the infractions for which she will be evicted.

If she breaks them, then your wife is to put her out. If your wife does not agree, then you are in a pickle.

Answer 6

She needs to be somewhere else. You don't want the same situation we have with my sister-in-laws daughter. We are raising her children right now and I have a feeling that that will remain the situation given the girl's past behavior and poor judgement. There has been gang involvement, a stabbing and a murder in addition to other things. Put a stop to it before you end up in this situation.

Answer 7

will you kindly explain the early living environment (in and/or outside the home) of this young lady and comment of your own accord its' pertaining shaping influences..?
i can say that if she is welcome within her mothers home there would be spoken and/or unspoken conditions to such...
have these been 'realized' among each of you...?
has she been provided an opportunity to say what her own needs are to acceptance within family or socially..?
many considerations for healthful realization....relationship .

**enlargements** ....... it sounds as though the family is the one in need of counselling ... i am sure that social conditions are realizable as a net consequence ... and this do not invoke enforcements for further abuse(s). what abuses may be explicable must not be derived solely of a childs creation.
and it is not...i repeat ... 'not' a child care issue......it is a family issue and all realizations and persons to be responding and responsible where this is possible ...
non-awareness is only a cause to depart of responsibilities of the aware as would volunteer such facts. and these must be considered in the light of full awareness.

enforcement is not health ... awareness do be have health.

be well allways......be aware

Answer 8

I think it's your wife's choice